Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas–Vanessa Carlton, a forty-three year old mother of three, rose resolutely and marched to the podium at the Parched Thistle Prairie School Board Meeting Thursday night carrying a large black book. “My three children attend the schools here, and after hearing about some of the smut that the school libraries are pushing on our kids here, I started conducting my own survey of the books, and what I found has shocked me to the core,” she began as a tense hush fell over the packed auditorium.

“One book in particular caught my attention as in one short section, it depicted sodomy, trafficking and incest,” she continued to audible gasps from the audience.

“If you think I’m exaggerating, let me share some direct quotes from the book. Two angels visit this man named Lot, and he makes dinner for them. Then the men of the town surround the house, and they demand ‘Where are the men who came to your house tonight? Bring them out that we may abuse them.'” Carlton stared down the crowd at this point, daring anyone to justify the filth she was reading aloud.

“So how does our hero reply to this order to produce two angels for a homosexual gang rape before they’ve even finished their dinner? Here’s what he says. ‘I entreat you, brethren, do not act wickedly. I have two daughters who have not known man. Let me bring them out; do as you please with them. Only do nothing to these men, for they come under the shelter of my roof.'”

A parent in the audience shouted, “Shameful!” Another erupted, “Pedo propaganda!” Carlton continued. “I ask you, what kind of librarians make this kind of smut available to our kids? Homosexual rape? A father offering his virgin daughters to a mob of depraved sodomites? But it doesn’t end there. Later in the same chapter, Lot gets drunk and has sex with both of his daughters!”

By now the audience was seething with rage, and a few parents up front demanded to know the name of the book. Carlton suddenly hoisted the tome up for all to see and called out, “The Holy Bible!”

The crowd rose as one and began chanting “Remove the Holy Bible! Remove the Holy Bible!” at the bewildered school board members. Some frightened members of the board fled with audience members in hot pursuit, shouting, “We know where you live!” and “Traitors like you will hang or face a firing squad!”