Trump supporter Mike Jaworski, who was arrested in Chicago Tuesday for participating in the January 6th riot and storming of the U.S. Capitol that ended in the senseless deaths of five people and dozens of injured police officers, said that his defense team will employ the “mindless Trump goon” defense legal strategy. Jaworski was charged with assaulting a police officer, making death threats against multiple Democratic members of Congress and Vice President Mike Pence, destruction of federal property and entering a restricted area.
Jaworski told reporters in Chicago that his intentions were peaceful when he arrived in Washington, DC on January 6th in spite of the online death threats he made against various public officials before his arrival. He and his fellow members of the Paunchy Patriots, a militia group dedicated to protecting Americans’ Second Amendment rights and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, simply wanted to express their First Amendment rights to assemble and protest in their military tactical gear and carrying clubs, bear spray and zip ties.
“After hearing the President’s speech, I just sort of got caught up in the moment,” Jaworski insisted. “One minute we were peacefully chanting, ‘Hang Mike Pence’ and the next I saw this guy brutally beating a police officer with an American flagpole and…you know, since I have absolutely no will of my own or critical thinking skills whatsoever, I acted on Trump’s unfounded claims of a stolen election. And I told that Capitol police officer ‘We love you guys,’ but he got in my way so I had to stomp on his head because I’m just a regular, patriotic American who responds to Trump’s commands like a slavering Doberman Pinscher. But I certainly didn’t do anything out of malice. Do I regret the death threats? Sure, but who doesn’t get a little worked up after a six pack of Bud’, a couple of snorts of crystal meth’ and being exhorted to ‘trial by combat’ by Rudy Giuliani?”
Jaworski’s lawyer Mark Eldridge confirmed that “My client is simply a mindless Trump goon who found himself in the wrong place at the wrong time with a lot of other mindless Trump goons after listening to a hostile, delusional speech by the President of the United States. He regrets his participation, but as a mindless goon he really has no responsibility for his actions.”