McCarthy Agrees to Wear Diapers and Shock Collar as New Speaker

Washington DC–

Newly elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy achieved his victory on the 15th vote by agreeing to hard-liners’ demand that he always wear diapers and a shock collar controlled by members of the Freedom Caucus while on the House floor.

“The diapers will force Kev Kev to perpetually wallow in humiliation and of course the shock collar will keep him from even thinking about moving any legislation through Congress that does not have a fifteen page rider named for Hunter Biden’s junk attached to it,” Congressman Matt Gaetz said after the fifteenth and final vote.

McCarthy seemed to be comfortable with his latest concession. “Let’s face it, after I crawled back to Mar-a-Lago on my hands and knees after identifying President Trump as the cause of the January 6th assault on the Capitol, I was pretty much an emasculated manchild held in contempt by everyone in DC and the country, including President Trump, who looked at me with undisguised disgust. The diapers are just a symbol of what everybody already knows about me.”

Kari Lake Announces Screaming on Street Corner Campaign

Phoenix, Arizona– Failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake has announced that she will commence a campaign of visiting random street corners in the cities of Arizona and screaming at passers-by and passing motorists that “I am the real governor!” with a deranged look on her face. Other slogans she will be shrieking include “Katie Hobbs is a Chinese, Hugo Chavez Puppet!” and “Arizona Voting Machnes Gave Republicans Syphilis!”

The screaming campaign was the brainchild of newly hired advisor Richard Trumball, former Director of the Department of Conspiracies for the Trump administration. Trumball, a scroungy former street preacher on the streets of Columbus, Ohio before his stint with the Trump administration, thought that Lake needed something beyond the obligatory legal challenges to the election.

“Let’s face it, those wild claims of massive election fraud dissolve like Cornflakes in battery acid in a court of law,” Trumball told reporters Friday afternoon. “But on the street corner, the wilder the claims, the better. You want to grab their attention with a combination of berserk allegations and an outlandish display of feverish lunacy. Kari has always had that weird sort of nervous energy and natural hostility, but I encouraged her to take it to the next level and let it all hang loose on the street corner. A shot of Christian Brothers Brandy before you hit the street doesn’t hurt either.”

Republicans: “We May Have to Do January 6th Again if Trump Indicted.”

Republicans are warning the country that, although they really really don’t want to, they may be forced to do the January 6th insurrection all over again with all its attendant vandalism, attacks on law enforcement, threats to the lives of public officials and smearing of feces on pertinent government landmarks if President Trump is indicted for illegally removing 700 classified documents from the White Houe and refusing to return them.

Senator Lindsey Graham speaking to Fox News “Sunday Night in America,” said that while “the furthest thing from my mind is issuing a veiled threat to the Department of Justice, it behooves its officials to consider the grisly hellscape America could become if peace-loving Trump supporters are forced to visit death and destruction on its cities where blood will run in the streets and Deep State heads will be impaled on spikes. But things happen, don’t they? Things break. People can get hurt. Nobody wants that.”

New Poll Shows Heavily Armed Psychopaths Leaning Republican

Armed Psychopath Mike Jaworski prior to his arrest for the January 6th Insurrection. If he avoids conviction on all charges, he plans to vote Republican.

Washington, DC– A new Washington Post/ABC poll shows that 67 percent of heavily armed psychopaths are strongly favoring Republicans in the lead up to November’s mid-term elections. 18 percent of heavily armed psychopaths favored Independents, 8 percent preferred the Green Party and just 7 percent expressed a preference for the Democratic Party.

The issues most important to heavily armed psychopaths were lurid and preposterous conspiracy theories involving stolen elections, the deliberate release of the Coronavirus “plandemic” into the world by nefarious Globalists for the purpose of creating a one world government, and the massive pedophilia ring perpetrated by blood-drinking Democrats, Hollywood actors, and their Globalist confederates around the world.

Perhaps the most pressing issue for heavily armed psychopaths is the recent search warrant served at Donald Trump’s estate Mar-a-Lago. One heavily armed psychopath chose to attack an FBI field office in Cincinnati, Ohio last week with a nail gun and an AR-15 rather than marking his ballot in November and was subsequently dispatched by law enforcement. The gunman in that case shared the frustration of many heavily armed psychopaths with the rest of the country’s reluctance to engage in a new civil war.

Republicans Unveil “Have Your Rapist’s Baby For Jesus” Campaign Slogan

Image Burman/Cuellar

The Republican National Committee, seeking to capitalize on the jubilation of conservatives over the leaked draft of the Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade, has introduced a new slogan for the 2022 campaign: “Have Your Rapist’s Baby for Jesus!”

“We think this will give young women the opportunity to demonstrate great faith in God by bringing one of his beloved children into the world under highly challenging circumstances,” RNC spokesman Ray Lipscomb said Tuesday. “And unlike our baby-killing friends across the aisle, we think American women are up to the challenge!”

Some Republicans have expressed concerns about the possibilities of the slogan being perceived as heartless and have proposed alternate slogans thought to be more appealing. “Just Claim Fraud” and “Tax the Poor” have been suggested but have yet to gain traction with the leadership of the RNC.

But Lipscomb, a young maverick in the RNC, argues it is time for Republicans to “stop being ashamed of what we believe and go on the offensive.” While some Republicans have made a point since the leak of the draft decision of claiming that they will boost government benefits for mothers and the children born once Roe is overturned, Lipscomb scoffs at such a dramatic change in course.

“Come on, we fought Biden’s proposals for paid and parental leave for working mothers, expanded day care subsidies and a heftier child tax credit,” Lipscomb pointed out. “We fought Obamacare, which bans higher premiums for women of child-bearing age and covers birth control. And naturally Republican governors refused the Medicaid expansion that would have offered healthcare to hundreds of thousands in their states with billions of dollars from the federal government. So now who’s going to believe that suddenly the red states are going to cough up a bunch of money for these new babies and their mothers? Ten states have passed abortion bans with no exceptions for rape or incest. The point is to punish poorer women for getting pregnant because that’s the way Jesus wants it and I think we should be loud and proud about it.”

Americans Unfazed by Impending Demise of Democracy

Christopher DeWare said former President Trump’s ongoing efforts to overturn the 2020 election will not disturb his enjoyment of water skiing

A recent poll found that 67 percent of Americans were unconcerned that former President Trump and his supporters might succeed in overthrowing free and fair elections through extraconstitutional chicanery or the use of violence as long as their comfortable lives remained undisturbed.

Chris DeWare, a 31 year-old software engineer in Stockton, California who enjoys water skiing, agreed with the majority in the poll. “While I do find it unsettling that a President of the United States refused to concede and allow a peaceful transfer of power for the first time since the Civil War, I’ll still be coming out here and skiing the Delta every weekend.”

DeWare was referring to former President Trump’s refusal to acknowledge his loss to Joe Biden and the subsequent insurrection at the U.S. Capitol, which was fueled by Trump’s repeated lies about voter fraud despite the fact that he had repeatedly been informed by members of his own administration that no such fraud had taken place.

Kelly Reardon, a thirty-four year old bank accounts manager and mother of two in Atlanta, agreed. “I’m not exactly jazzed about the fact that Trump pressured the Georgia Secretary of State to ‘find’ 11,000 votes or that Republican state legislatures sent fake slates of electors to Congress, but my kids have tennis and piano practice after school, so I don’t really have time for all that.”

Eddie Groening, a 58 year-old barber in Minneapolis, was more troubled by some of the Trump administration’s efforts to stay in power. “That deal where they tried to get Pence to throw out the electoral votes was hinky. And maybe next time, they have someone in place who plays ball.” Still Groening felt there was little the average person could do. “Sure, an informed and engaged citizenry is crucial to the maintenance of a republic and all that, but, come on, we all know that’s just talk.”

Library Books Made Me Gay

Heterosexual Jeremy Bauer, who became temporarily homosexual after reading a gay young adult novel.

Nobody is born gay, and I was no exception. I had a crush on Teresa Holcomb in kindergarten and Misty Carlyle in first grade. The crushes on girls continued up until middle school.

But one day I was perusing books at the school library and I happened upon this teen novel. It was one of those early books in the ’90s that brazenly acknowledged the existence of gay people. I will not share the title as I refuse to promote the book that instantly transformed my sexuality against my will and plunged me into a life of extravagant and rather naughty wickedness.

I cannot explain the subtle subterfuge the book employed to alter the natural, healthy heterosexuality with which God had endowed me. But like the character in The Manchurian Candidate looking at the playing card, I was suddenly activated, not to assassinate a political candidate but rather to commit unspeakable sacrileges with members of my own sex. I slammed the book shut and immediately went looking for “action.”

I share this shameful detour in my young life not to titillate anyone with the prurient details of my life of sin, but rather to encourage support for the raft of bills being produced in state houses around the country to eradicate these tools of Satan that infest libraries across our fruited plain, and are designed to recruit children who God created in all their heterosexual glory into a life of depravity. Bill 666, for example, which just passed in the Idaho House of Representatives, can potentially jail librarians and teachers for “disseminating material that is harmful to minors.”

Naturally liberal critics are carping that “material that is harmful to minors” is disturbingly vague and that jailing librarians and teachers for providing access to books some parents might find objectionable is something we might expect in Francoist Spain rather than a robust and free democratic society unafraid of entertaining controversial new ideas. But those arguments are just a fig leaf to cover their hideous conspiracy to transform America into a Godless, Marxist, pan-sexual bacchanalia any decent American would flee from in disgust.

Cleanse the libraries and schools! Remove the immoral books! Lock up the teachers and librarians! And once we’ve done that, we’ll need to clean up the internet because I have heard that curious teens may be able explore “harmful materials” on their laptops and Iphones as well. I am living proof of the harm these materials can cause but also of the power of God’s forgiveness as well the effectiveness of programs like Hank and Sue’s Homosexual Rehabilitation Summer Bible Camp.