Evangelical Swingers Club to Continue Orgies with God’s Protection

Carl and Cynthia Griggs. Photo by SCuellar

Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas. An Evangelical Swingers Club, which has been criticized by local authorities for continuing its Wednesday night “Commingle for Christ” orgies in spite of the growing menace of the Coronavirus, has decided to carry on with the weekly event. Leaders of the group, which calls itself “The Swollen Vessel,” insist that “we are operating under the protection of the Lord Jesus Christ, and that the demonic power of the Coronavirus holds no power over us.”

Carl and Cynthia Griggs, the couple that founded the association, argue that “Godly recreational sex with multiple Christian partners is critical to the physical and spiritual health of open-minded believers” and that to suspend it in a time of crisis is more likely to leave its members vulnerable to the demonic power of the virus. The Griggs, who up until a week ago dismissed the Coronavirus as a liberal hoax, are now describing it as “the infernal Chinese affliction.”

Carl Griggs pointed out that Texas Governor Greg Abbott had not issued a state wide “shelter-in-place” order, and that there were currently no confirmed cases of COVID-19 in Parched Thistle Prairie. “I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Chinese affliction is ravaging ungodly places like Austin and San Antonio, do you?”

Trump Supporter Dies of Coronavirus Hoax

Passionate Donald Trump supporter Phil Jaworski died of the Coronavirus Monday night at Presence Saint Joseph Hospital in Chicago, insisting to his final breath that he was in fact dying from the flu despite testing positive for COVID-19 last week.

Jaworksi made news last year when he warned during an interview at a Trump rally in September that “My AR-15 is locked and loaded if Democrats abuse the Constitution by using one of its provisions” in reference to House Democrats’ efforts to impeach the president.

Doctors believe Jaworski caught the virus from his son Mike, who was visiting his parents in Chicago and who also tested positive for COVID-19 but was asymptomatic. The younger Jaworski similarly dismissed his father’s diagnosis as the work of “left-wing, Deep State medical science.”

“He didn’t even want to go to the hospital,” Jaworski said. “My mother dragged him here. He knew Medicare was a socialist Ponzi scheme. He should have died in front of the TV watching Fox News and cradling his AR-15.”

Jaworski, who was in town to attend the “Paunchy Patriots” gun show when his father got sick, vowed to carry on his father’s fight against the Deep State. He planned to attend the gun show in spite of Illinois Governor J.B. Pritzker’s executive order banning gatherings of 50 people or more.

“Governor Pritzker’s ban is clearly unconstitutional since it selectively targets large gatherings on the unfounded theory that larger groups of people increase the odds of transmitting a virus. I don’t know where they came up with that.”

Is Country Music Too Intellectual?

Some music critics are growing unsettled by the recent trend in Country Music toward more cerebral themes and elaborate concept albums they fear is tearing the genre from its humble roots. Carter McFarland, editor of Country Music Today, worries that some artists are drifting too far from the fundamentals. “We’ve got some folks out there who are straying from the Six B’s: boozing, brawling, balling, breaking up, believing and bombing. If you don’t have at least one of those ingredients, it ain’t country.”

Indeed, some country artists have plunged into ambitious projects that flout the Six B’s and range into topics previously unheard of in Country. Travis Crowley, a rising star on the Nashville scene, recently dropped a new concept album about the Peloponnesian War in Ancient Greece. “I was kicking around the ranch reading Thucydides,” Crowley explained, “and it struck me that the war between Athens, which was the intellectual and cultural capital of the Greek world, and Sparta, which was the dominant military state, was an apt metaphor for the perennial conflict between humanity’s higher and lower states of consciousness.”

Crowley’s sophistication does not sit well with some of the more established Country stars. Randy Weatherby, whose latest hit “Tehran Will Pay for Your Cheating Heart” is about an American pilot who drops his payload on the Iranian capital while breaking up with his unfaithful girlfriend online, guzzling Jack Daniels and giving his heart to Jesus, tweeted, “All this fancy talk about the Greeks don’t belong in Country.” In another tweet, he wrote, “If you’re writing a song about war and there are no red, white and blue five-hundred pound bombs falling somewhere in the Middle East, you’re doing it all wrong.”

“Caucasian Campesinos” Cheerfully Embrace Grueling Farm Labor

In a bid to support their president’s tough immigration policies, hundreds of thousands of white Trump supporters around the country are taking backbreaking, low-paying agricultural jobs usually done by immigrants. The surprise movement, which emerged suddenly out of nowhere, has been dubbed the “Caucasian Campesinos” by the media.

One of these hardy Trump supporters, Stephanie Briggs, a blond, blue-eyed strawberry picker in Watsonville, California, said she felt she needed to do more to support the president’s policies. “You know, like everybody else, I was sharing the anti-Mexican memes on Facebook and screaming ‘Build the Wall’ at Trump rallies. But then I realized that the problem cannot be solved by the government building the wall alone. Real American patriots like me have to step up and do the grueling, dirty, thankless jobs they say we won’t do and do them with a smile.”

After Briggs’ supervisor shouted at her to get back to work, she stepped back into the field. “Gotta get back to work,” she said with a chipper grin. “But you know, the long hours of stooping and picking in the baking sun with few bathroom breaks, low pay, and primitive living conditions is a small price to pay for preserving America for real Americans.”

Farm owners and agricultural corporations have been stunned at the sudden willingness of the “Caucasian Campesinos” to endure the harsh working conditions usually reserved for immigrants. Previous attempts to lure American citizens into agricultural work in the wake of tough immigration laws in Arizona, Alabama and Georgia failed spectacularly.

Alabama Tomato Farmer Barbara Franks is now turning enthusiastic white Trump supporters away from work, and the ones she has are harvesting her tomatoes at an unprecedented rate.

“I don’t know what happened,” she marveled. “Back in 2011, when Jerry Spencer tried to recruit American citizens for agricultural labor here, very few showed interest and almost none of them lasted more than a few days, and the ones that did picked a fraction of what the immigrants could pick. It’s a goddamned miracle.”

Republicans Not Fooled by Deep State Coronavirus

Larry Kudlow, expert on infectious diseases, says that containment of the Coronavirus is “pretty close to air-tight.”

As the rest of the world urgently prepares for a potential pandemic that has already apparently claimed the lives of 2,700 people and sickened as many as 80,000 worldwide, President Trump and his Republican supporters are not being taken in.

Radio host and Medal of Freedom recipient Rush Limbaugh sought to bring clarity to the rapidly unfolding situation with his own uniquely cogent analysis on Monday. “It looks like the coronavirus is being weaponized as yet another element to bring down Donald Trump,” he said, going on to explain that the virus was nothing more than “the common cold” being over-hyped by the media in an attempt “to get Trump.”

After accusing the media and Democrats of magnifying “the common cold,” however, Limbaugh went on to claim that the coronavirus was, in fact, whipped up in a “Chicom” (Chinese Communist) laboratory. “I’m telling you, the Chicoms are trying to weaponize this thing,” he argued. “Every nation is working on things like this, and the Chicoms obviously in their lab are doing something here with the coronavirus–and it got out.”

President Trump was also not fooled by the media hysteria about the disease. At a press conference in New Delhi, India Tuesday, he insisted the situation was “under control” and was a “problem that’s going to go away,” in spite of the fact that the Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases Nancy Messonnier warned that the disease will certainly spread in the United States. Trump’s economic advisor Larry Kudlow, an expert on infectious diseases, also noted that containment of the virus was “pretty close to air-tight.”

Trump’s Director of the Department of Conspiracies, Richard Trumball, said he thought Rush Limbaugh was on the right track with his Chicom laboratory conspiracy but hadn’t taken it far enough. “Rush hinted at Bernie Sander’s involvement with the Chicoms over there, but I’ll do him one better. Sanders has funneled money from George Soros and Planned Parenthood to the Chinese government to develop a disease that will kill conservatives all over the world. I’ve got Giuliani heading over there to research it. If you don’t believe me, call Rudy.”

Sanders Announces Plan to Guillotine Chris Matthews in Lafayette Square

Austin, Texas. Senator Bernie Sanders, fresh off his resounding victory in the Nevada Caucuses, announced before an ebullient crowd here on Sunday that he would immediately guillotine MSNBC political analyst Chris Matthews upon assuming office.

“On day one of my administration, Chris Matthews will be flown to Washington DC in chains, and publicly guillotined in Lafayette Park along with any other blood-sucking capitalist bastards who oppose my agenda. I’ve invited the Venezuelan soccer team to come for my inauguration and we’ll give them the heads for soccer practice.”

Matthews, who was widely derided for recently suggesting that if the communists had won the cold war, he would have been executed in Central Park and Bernie Sanders would have been in the crowd cheering, now sees his apocalyptic vision becoming a distinct reality.

Matthews, who also compared Sanders’ victory in the Nevada Caucuses to the Nazi victory over France in 1940 in spite of the fact that Sanders is Jewish and had family members murdered in the Holocaust, could not be reached for comment, although someone who answered the phone at his home said he was busy watching the film “Red Dawn.”

The voluble commentator has a history of getting overly excited and making controversial statements. In 2003 following George W. Bush’s landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln in a flight suit to announce “Mission Accomplished” in the Iraq War, Matthews purred about the President’s masculine prowess. “Women like a guy who’s president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as president. It’s simple.”

Conspiracy Czar Attacks Barr for Usurping His Role

Washington, D.C. The Director of the Department of Conspiracies, Richard Trumball, publicly criticized Attorney General William Barr Friday for encroaching on his jurisdiction after Barr acknowledged that the Department of Justice had “created a process that Rudy Giuliani could give information and they would see if it’s verified.”

Trumball, the bedraggled former street preacher tapped by President Trump to lead the new department, said “Giuliani’s phantasmagoric fever dreams are clearly the province of the Department of Conspiracies,” in a brief press conference. “I mean, we’re talking about a guy who literally said ‘Truth isn’t truth,’ claimed he was ‘more of a Jew’ than a Holocaust survivor, blew off a Congressional subpoena, insisted on live television that Democrats were ‘literally trying to kill me,’ and has two former associates under criminal indictments. I knew a dozen guys like that when I was living on the streets in Columbus, and believe me, you don’t want to constrain them within the narrow parameters of the legal process.”

Trumball, who appeared pale, glassy-eyed and skittish, had earlier dismissed Giuliani as a dilettante who offered no theories about the Masons, the Muslim Brotherhood or the fluoride in our water systems, but now seems to think America’s Mayor is evolving into a competent if pedestrian conspiracy theorist.

“Rudy’s come a long way. Some of his Ukraine stuff shows promise. But his talent needs to be nurtured and the Justice Department is not the place. They’re supposed to be concerned about the impartial and independent administration of justice for the American people. And that is just a buzzkill for a conspiracy theorist.”

After a brief interruption in which he whirled around, peered suspiciously behind him and muttered incomprehensibly to himself, Trumball continued. “The great ones know that a good conspiracy theory is not about what’s out there but about what’s inside. If Rudy can plumb the depths of his inner darkness and then spring out like Jackson Pollock doing an action painting, I think you’ll see him reach his full potential. But the DOJ won’t help him get there.”

Mormons Trade Scully and Tupuola to Jehovah’s Witnesses for Marshall and 2nd Round Pick

In a blockbuster trade that rocked the World Religious League, the Mormon Church traded Elders Pat Scully and Mike Tupuola to the Jehovah’s Witnesses for Tyler Marshall and a second round draft pick.

Scully, last year’s MVP, has struggled this year during his mission in Liechenstein, scoring only three converts in the past six months. Some analysts claim that he had trouble adjusting to the new scheme installed by Mission President Lawrence Daly while several teammates have complained that his success last year had created too many distractions and made him lose some of his focus.

In return the Mormons acquired Tyler Marshall, a solid door-to-door proselytizer who led his congregation in converts the last three years. While Marshall has not lived up to the high expectations the Witnesses had for him, he has remained a reliable go-to guy known for keeping his head down and putting in the necessary work to make him consistently effective in tough neighborhoods previously resistant to the Witnesses’ message.

The Witnesses wasted no time in putting Scully into action, and he was on the street in Los Angeles with copies of Awake and Watchtower yesterday morning. “They run some of the same schemes that we did in Liechenstein,” Scully told reporters. “Going door to door is nothing new for me. But waiting in the train station with the little book cart takes patience.”

Scully admitted the changes in theology can be challenging as well. “I only had a day to study the Witnesses’ playbook. It’s confusing because Mormons believe that God’s true name is Elohim. But it’s actually Jehovah. And Mormons believe that Jesus Christ is Jehovah but Jesus Christ is actually Michael the Archangel but the Mormons think Adam is Michael the Archangel.”

The trade was the biggest in the WRL since star Rabbi David Berman was traded to the Catholics for Father Ryan Nowak in 2018.

Republicans’ Overnight Epiphanies Bring Surprise Conviction of President Trump

Washington, D.C. In a shocking development nobody had anticipated, every Republican Senator joined their Democratic colleagues in voting to convict and remove President Trump from office. Many of the senators, who indicated previously that they would vote for acquittal, said they had experienced an overnight epiphany in which they suddenly recognized President Trump as an existential threat to the republic and had to be removed from office.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who only yesterday insisted in an interview that President Trump “would learn from this case,” said after her vote for conviction that she had no idea what she was thinking when she said that. “President Trump is literally the most obtuse human being I have ever known, and the notion that impeachment would somehow chastise him while he was still insisting his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky was ‘perfect’ and making threatening statements about Adam Schiff reflects a breathtaking blindness or stupidity on my part that would be more appropriate for a cult follower than a U.S. Senator. And the idea that judgement of the President’s conduct should be left up to the voters after the Russian interference of the 2016 election and Trump’s clear attempt to corrupt the 2020 election is beyond ludicrous.”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, who last week claimed that “Just because actions meet a standard of impeachment does not mean that it is in the best interest of the country to remove the president from office,” repudiated that statement after his vote for conviction. “Obviously what I said earlier was piffle designed for cognitively-challenged Trump supporters. I guess I was just trying to maintain my viability for 2024 and not wanting to enrage the base. But last night, I looked myself in the mirror and I saw a man bereft of integrity, honor, and loyalty to his country and the Constitution. That will never happen again.”

Smut-pushing Librarians Bagged in Missouri Parental Library Review Board Raids

Dozens of librarians were apprehended in a series of lightning dawn raids around the “Show Me” state for violating the recently passed Parental Oversight of Public Libraries Act. The act forbids library employees from providing access to minors of books “deemed to be age-inappropriate sexual material” by five member panels elected by local communities. Although the review boards are not law enforcement agencies, they worked with local police in staging the raids. The librarians face a fine of up to $500 or a year in jail.

Judith Ralls, a member of one panel, claimed that her group had taken down one of the worst offenders, a local librarian who had made a graphic novel about an adolescent girl struggling with her attraction to other girls available to teens in her library. “If these kids read these books and start to realize that there are other kids out there dealing with the same issues, they’re less likely to experience the numbing shame and isolation that can be so fruitful in reducing them to a state of dispirited submission to the social and religious norms approved of by our panels.”

While some critics of the new law argue that it allows a small group of parents to impose their own values on the community and that the library already offers an extraordinary variety of perspectives in its collection, including those of the conservative Christians who promoted and passed the law, members of the boards feel certain that they know precisely what type of materials are appropriate for all the teens of their communities regardless of their varied backgrounds and that their judgement deserves special consideration.

“If this wasn’t the right thing to do, why would Jesus Christ have told me to do it?” Ralls asked.