Plucky Underdogs Forfeit Championship After Coach’s Depressing Pregame Speech

The Carlton High School Prairie Dogs’ Cinderella football season came to an ignominious end Friday night when the team forfeited the championship game to the heavily favored Beaumont High Bison after Prairie Dog coach Hugh Jamison delivered a grim and disheartening pregame speech that starkly delineated the likelihood of a brutal and demoralizing annihilation at …

Fat, Middle-Aged Man’s Cerebral Videos Conquer TikTok

54 year-old Nathan Klebanov seems an unlikely TikTok star, yet his esoteric video lectures on Western Civilization have vaulted him to the apex of TikTok stardom in a few dizzying months. Last week he captured his 100 millionth follower to the astonishment of the winsome, bouncy teens and pre-teens who have dominated the platform up …

Republicans Celebrate Black History Month by Trying to Disenfranchise Black People

Republicans around the country are celebrating Black History Month by proposing a raft of new laws that would restrict voting rights in their states with a particular emphasis on curtailing the votes of African Americans. In Georgia for instance, House Bill 531 would eliminate early voting on Sundays, which have been used in the “Souls …

Arrested Rioter to Use “Mindless Trump Goon” Defense Strategy

Trump supporter Mike Jaworski, who was arrested in Chicago Tuesday for participating in the January 6th riot and storming of the U.S. Capitol that ended in the senseless deaths of five people and dozens of injured police officers, said that his defense team will employ the “mindless Trump goon” defense legal strategy. Jaworski was charged …

Candide 2020

In the suburb of Westphalia in San Bernardino County of Southern California in the mansion of the Senior Pastor of the Cathedral of the Holy Lamb’s Divine Florescence there lived a youth of wholesome disposition and unpretentious simplicity named Candide. He was the offspring of the charismatic preacher’s sister Kimberly and a former maintenance worker …

Nebulous “Divisiveness” Brings Unpleasantness to Capitol

As a prominent conservative Republican politician, I feel it is my duty to address the unpleasantness that occurred at the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It is critical for all of us to register our distress at what happened in a vague and oblique manner, taking care not to reflexively point fingers in anger at those who …

Leftist Mobs Look Forward to Destroying America January 20th

America-hating, radical leftist groups with poor hygiene are looking forward to terrorizing good, clean, conservative, white American citizens come January 20th, according to statements from various unshaven bolshevik traitors. “Joe Biden’s 47 years of posing as a centrist, moderate Democrat have finally paid off,” Ian McCormick, National Director of the Gay Socialist Jihadi Drum Circle …

Take Ted Cruz’s Master Class in Sycophancy and Groveling

Hi, I’m Ted Cruz, United States Senator, and I’ll be teaching a two day Master Class in Sycophancy and Groveling on January 20th and 21st, 2021 at the Lubriderm-Citibank Arena in Dallas, Texas. You can take the course online or you can come in person and expose yourself to unmasked Coronavirus deniers while learning the …