Georgia Republicans Pass Law Banning Alien Abductions and Anal Probes

Atlanta, Georgia–Republicans in Georgia, fresh off their Election Integrity Law triumph, passed a law prohibiting alien abductions in the Peach State on Friday. The law, dubbed “The Alien Abduction Integrity Act,” which also outlaws the use of anal probes by extraterrestrial visitors on Georgia residents, sailed through both houses of the state legislature in a …

Kemp Signs “George Wallace Election Integrity Law” in Georgia

Atlanta–Georgia Governor Brian Kemp signed the sweeping election law passed by Republicans and named in honor of election integrity pioneer George Wallace on Thursday. While critics have argued that the law was designed to address baseless claims of election fraud and suppress the minority vote, Republicans have steadfastly maintained that not passing the law would …

H.R. 1 Biggest Power Grab Since Voting Rights Act of 1965 Say Republicans

Washington, D.C. Republicans are righteously decrying the tyranny of the Democrats’ new voting reform bill H.R. 1, vociferously pointing out that the bill, which passed the House on March 3rd, would arrogate to the federal government powers traditionally delegated to the states. “This bill evokes dark memories of the Voting Rights Act of 1965,” Senate …

God Stepping Down as New Harassment Allegations Emerge

God, also known as Jehovah, is stepping down temporarily as Supreme Being after a third woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment. The Lord, who had previously dismissed two other accusers as “publicity hustlers,” acknowledged in an interview Tuesday with Christianity Tomorrow that he may have at times “fallen short of the high …

Plucky Underdogs Forfeit Championship After Coach’s Depressing Pregame Speech

The Carlton High School Prairie Dogs’ Cinderella football season came to an ignominious end Friday night when the team forfeited the championship game to the heavily favored Beaumont High Bison after Prairie Dog coach Hugh Jamison delivered a grim and disheartening pregame speech that starkly delineated the likelihood of a brutal and demoralizing annihilation at …

Fat, Middle-Aged Man’s Cerebral Videos Conquer TikTok

54 year-old Nathan Klebanov seems an unlikely TikTok star, yet his esoteric video lectures on Western Civilization have vaulted him to the apex of TikTok stardom in a few dizzying months. Last week he captured his 100 millionth follower to the astonishment of the winsome, bouncy teens and pre-teens who have dominated the platform up …

Republicans Celebrate Black History Month by Trying to Disenfranchise Black People

Republicans around the country are celebrating Black History Month by proposing a raft of new laws that would restrict voting rights in their states with a particular emphasis on curtailing the votes of African Americans. In Georgia for instance, House Bill 531 would eliminate early voting on Sundays, which have been used in the “Souls …

Nebulous “Divisiveness” Brings Unpleasantness to Capitol

As a prominent conservative Republican politician, I feel it is my duty to address the unpleasantness that occurred at the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It is critical for all of us to register our distress at what happened in a vague and oblique manner, taking care not to reflexively point fingers in anger at those who …

Woody Allen Kidnapped by Fans of His Older Work

Celebrated film maker Woody Allen has been abducted from his Manhattan townhouse by a gang of fans of his older work. The kidnappers issued a communique Monday morning to law enforcement and the media stating their intentions. It reads as follows: Whereas Woody Allen’s films have grown more stale than the air in the doomed …

Republicans’ Feelings About Voter Fraud Not Impressing Judges

President Trump and his fellow Republicans have strong feelings about the massive voter fraud they believe robbed him of his rightful reelection to a second term. They feel strongly that it definitely happened and that it was really, really bad voter fraud in different states run by both Republicans and Democrats. They feel so strongly …