My name is Steven Shroeder and I am a Texas abortion vigilante. I used to spend a lot of my time picketing abortion clinics and attending protests against the murder of innocent babies. But now I have something even better to do with my free time. I can watch all of you hedonistic Marxist sluts for any sign you might be thinking of getting an abortion and I have been empowered by the state of Texas to sue anyone who helps you try to kill that baby. Doctors, nurses, your mother or sister if they drive you to the clinic, anybody! And if I win I get ten thousand dollars plus they will have to pay my court costs!

This is great because frankly, I’m between jobs right now. And the truth is, I wasn’t meeting many women at the anti-abortion rallies anyway. I think the giant sign I had with the photo of the bloody fetus turned some of them off, even the most pro-life ones. My mom says I’ll have better luck with women when I get a place of my own, and ten grand would sure help me take that next step.

I’ve got my eye on a young lady in the neighborhood who I suspect may be pregnant and planning an abortion. You see, she had a boyfriend, but they started having these loud arguments and then one day about a month ago, he drove off really upset and angry and hasn’t been back since. And then I noticed the girl was putting on weight. She lives with her mother and works as a waitress so, you know, they don’t have a lot of money.

I notice this kind of stuff. I guess I’m just a natural born investigator, and like I said, I’m between jobs so…The really cool thing is since the law allows private citizens with no connection whatsoever to the woman to involve themselves in her pregnancy, they can’t charge me with stalking like they did that time a few years ago when I…well, that’s all behind me now.

I wonder if the state of Texas will issue me a special badge after I bag my first baby killer–like the Texas Rangers or something. Man, I’d look pretty awesome wearing that at the next big anti-abortion rally. Maybe if I score the badge, that sweet ten grand bounty and a new pad, Loretta Walters will go out to coffee with me. After all, that stalking thing was like three years ago.