Department of Conspiracies Deputy Director and QAnon puppeteer Nancy Hagan-Bartlett’s new puppet show The Reckoning, which she has been performing as a warm-up act at Trump rallies and live-streaming on Trump websites, has injected a much needed shot of adrenaline into the campaign. Trump campaign officials were dismayed at the flop of the dubious Hunter Biden laptop story, but are optimistic Hagen-Bartlett’s miniature morality play can help turn things around for the increasingly sweaty, hoarse and erratic commander-in-chief. Dangerous Neighbors is proud to present the unabridged script of The Reckoning, which is a sequel to her hit puppet show The Storm.
The secret and very luxurious basement of the Comet Ping Pong Pizza Parlor in Washington DC. TOM HANKS and OPRAH WINFREY are preparing for what appears to be a huge, almost Gatsbyesque party. There are tables and chairs, balloons and streamers and an enormous beverage fountain in the shape of a grinning Satan. HILLARY CLINTON enters wearing dark glasses.
HILLARY: Good afternoon.
TOM: Madame Secretary.
OPRAH: Anyone see you come in?
HILLARY: Of course not. (takes off her sunglasses) We all prepared for the party?
TOM: Yeah, we just received our monthly Wayfair delivery of corn-fed, flaxen-haired children freshly kidnapped off picturesque Heartland farms.
OPRAH: (filling a glass from the fountain) And the adrenochrome fountain has been fully replenished. (handing Hillary the glass) Enjoy.
HILLARY: Thanks, Oprah. I’m feeling a little fatigued from all the molesting Bill and I have been doing.
TOM: (filling a glass) I know the feeling.
OPRAH: (filling her own glass) I am so ready for this.
HILLARY: To the Deep State.
TOM: Here here.
OPRAH: Bottoms up.
They all drink with the desperate glee of addicts.
TOM: Wow, that’s good shit.
HILLARY: Now if we can mix business with pleasure, any word on who this damn Q is and how he has been exposing our worldwide Satanic pedophile ring so effectively?
TOM: I’ve had my people on this round the clock, but the son-of-a-bitch is too smart for us.
OPRAH: My book club people have been working some leads, but like Tom says–
HILLARY: I’m sick of your goddamned excuses! I want the bastard’s head on a pike before election day, is that clear?
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary.
TOM: Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH: But it’s not just Q that’s the problem.
HILLARY: What?
OPRAH: It’s the damn bakers.
HILLARY: Bakers?
TOM: The QAnon people who interpret the bread crumbs.
HILLARY: The bread crumbs?
OPRAH: The clues Q leaves in the Q-drops.
TOM: Like the fact that JFK, Jr. faked his own death and is working against us with President Trump.
OPRAH: And the fact that Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation was really a clever ruse and that he’s working along with JFK, Jr. to help Trump take down our pedophile ring.
HILLARY: The QAnon people figured that all out from Q’s cryptic posts?
TOM: I’m afraid we never anticipated that such an intelligent and courageous grassroots movement would mobilize against us when we were painstakingly assembling our Satanic worldwide pedophile ring.
HILLARY: Goddamnit, I pay you people to anticipate things like this! Where the hell is Soros in all this?
OPRAH: He jetted down to Central America to organize another dangerous migrant caravan to invade the United States.
HILLARY: Jesus Christ, we’ve got an international pedophile ring to protect and George is off playing Zapata down there? (to TOM) You get him on the goddamn phone and tell him to get his ass back up here pronto!
TOM (scurrying from the room) Yes, Madame Secretary!
HILLARY: (shouting after him) You tell him I want that Q prick hogtied, disemboweled and hanging from a gibbet by November 2nd, you got it?
TOM: (exiting) Yes, Ma’am!
OPRAH: Don’t worry, Madame Secretary. We’ll nail him soon.
HILLARY: (handing OPRAH her glass) Spare me your empty promises and pour me another adrenochrome.
OPRAH: (filling her glass) Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH hands her the glass.
HILLARY: Now, I didn’t get here an hour early for nothing. You’ve made a selection of the choicest, premium children for me?
HILLARY downs her drink.
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary, I think you’ll be quite pleased.
HILLARY: Let’s hope you can at least do this part of your job right.
OPRAH: (ushering her toward a back room) Right this way, Madame Secretary.
Just then the door bursts open and DONALD TRUMP, JFK, JR. ROBERT MUELLER, JESUS CHRIST and a squad of FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS storm into the room. HILLARY and OPRAH are stunned.
TRUMP: Well, well, well, Hillary…I hope we’re not interrupting your party.
HILLARY: My God, that’s JFK, Jr!
OPRAH: And Jesus Christ!
JESUS: You think I’d miss this?
TRUMP: You knew this day was coming, didn’t you, Hillary?
TOM HANKS returns from the back room.
TOM: I just spoke to George and…(noticing the posse) What the–
TRUMP: Tommy boy. Your days of molesting wholesome farm girls are through. The storm is here.
TOM: Is that Jesus?
JESUS: I’m very disappointed in you, Tom. I thought The Green Mile was bad, but this–
TOM: You can’t hurt us. We drink adrenochrome!
JESUS: Tom, I’m going to give you a moment to repent and then–
TOM (filling a glass from the adrenochrome fountain) Repent? Hollywood liberals don’t repent!
TOM downs his glass of adrenochrome.
TRUMP: Well, it’s been nice chatting with you perverts, but we have a helicopter outside waiting to take you all to Guantanamo Bay.
TOM suddenly shrieks and lunges at JESUS. JESUS punches him in the stomach like a veteran action star, grabs him by an arm and throws him to the floor. He casually picks up a chair, walks over to the adrenochrome fountain and smashes the Satan figure with one violent blow.
HILLARY: (collapsing to her knees) No, no!
OPRAH (also falling to her knees) Satan, help us!
TRUMP: (to the FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS) Get this scum out of here.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS pull the hapless trio off the floor and start hustling them toward the exit. As HILLARY passes ROBERT MUELLER, she scowls at him.
HILLARY: I thought you were on our side.
MUELLER: Shut-up.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS exit with the unholy trinity. TRUMP, JESUS, JFK, JR. and ROBERT MUELLER look around the room and mull over what has just transpired.
TRUMP: (to JESUS) I don’t know. I kind of liked The Green Mile.
JESUS: Oh, please…
CURTAIN