Take Ted Cruz’s Master Class in Sycophancy and Groveling

I’m your instructor, Senator Ted Cruz.

Hi, I’m Ted Cruz, United States Senator, and I’ll be teaching a two day Master Class in Sycophancy and Groveling on January 20th and 21st, 2021 at the Lubriderm-Citibank Arena in Dallas, Texas. You can take the course online or you can come in person and expose yourself to unmasked Coronavirus deniers while learning the secrets that will make you a world class sycophant in just two painless sessions.

But why learn from me? What are my credentials? Surely there are more debased, obsequious flunkies than me. Lindsey Graham, for instance, rolls in shit on Trump’s command. How could I possibly be a more cringing, servile lackey to President Trump than that? Let me explain.

President Trump grievously insulted my wife, my father and myself, and yet I continue to crawl on my belly like a whimpering dog to service President Trump’s erratic, narcissistic demands whenever and wherever he makes them. Can you imagine Lindsey Graham putting up with Trump calling his wife ugly and still cravenly doing his bidding as I do? Okay, Lindsey hasn’t found Mrs. Right just yet, but you see my point.

In addition to juxtaposing an unflattering photo of my wife with a pretty one of Melania in a tweet, Trump implied my father was buddies with Lee Harvey Oswald and may have been mixed up in the assassination of President Kennedy. On top of that, he accused me of “stealing” the win in the Iowa caucuses during the 2016 Republican Primaries by means of fraud. Does that sound familiar? Is that not the very thing I offered to go to the Supreme Court to argue on behalf of President Trump over the 2020 election?

How can a person whose wife was publicly humiliated, whose father was slimed with a heinous smear, and who was himself accused of the crime of election fraud, turn around and peddle his wretched soul off to the very miscreant who ultimately crushed him in the primaries and dragged his family into his personal psychological torture bunker just for chuckles?

You really have to be a person with a pudding-like inner core, utterly devoid of any convictions or integrity and so desperate for success that you will gladly oblige your most bitter enemy in a flamboyant, graphic display of self-abasement that would make a macabre vignette in a Hieronymus Bosch triptych. If you can do that while still pretending to be a man of principle who waves the Bible and the Constitution around in public a lot, you’ll have something really special. I can help you get there. See you in January.