Many churches are offering “Holy Hydroxychloroquine” to lure wary parishioners back to in-person services after a string of outbreaks linked to recent large religious gatherings has diminished confidence in God’s ability to protect them from the deadly Cononavirus.
Both Protestant and Catholic Churches are offering varying forms of the drug, which has the blessing of President Trump, during their in-person services. Pastor Brent Fallon of the Holy Fellowship of the Lacerated Redeemer in Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas, said his church had received a promotional supply of the drug courtesy of the Trump organization, and would be offering hydroxychloriquine tablets to worshipers as they enter the church on Sunday.
“You could say we’re hedging our bets a little,” Fallon remarked. “God is far more powerful than the Coronavirus, and he will NOT allow it to touch our beloved brethren in His Church…but, you know, if a little leaks in through the cracks, we’re providing the Holy Hydroxycholoroquine to cover us on the back end.”
Some Catholic Churches will be substituting a hydroxychloroquine beverage for the traditional communion wine. Father Michael Leydon of Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels in Minneapolis, Minnesota, said that while he was loath to tamper with the ancient sacrament, “something had to be done to restore confidence after that priest and those parishioners in Annandale and Maple Lake tested positive for COVID-19.”
Father Leydon also noted his eagerness to resume in-person services because “the offertory hymn doesn’t have the same impact on Zoom that it does when you’re passing the basket around in the church and everyone can see who’s coming across and who’s not.”