Blog – Dangerous Neighbors

“I Was an Antifa Unicorn”: A Special Fox News Report

Your inflatable unicorn costume arrives special delivery, courtesy of Soros Enterprises. You try it on, dance in front of the mirror a little. Your wife begs you not to go but your hatred for America and your passionate devotion to Marxism drives you on. You ignore nagging questions like “How will I pee?” and you squeeze out the front door.

You report to your frog supervisor and he gives you your assignment. I wanted to taunt ICE officers but they told me only the frogs were authorized to taunt. We unicorns were confined to dancing and singing silly songs. I was furious. I told him I came to taunt. He grabbed me by the horn and stared me down with those bulbous eyes.

“You’re not ready to taunt, you little candy-ass! I’ve been Antifa for twelve years and I was only promoted to frog last week. Now get your ass out there and dance–and if I catch you taunting, I will bring such a shitstorm down on your head that you’ll rue the day you ever donned the rainbow horn!”

I hit the streets and I began my dancing and singing of silly songs. After many hours, I witnessed something that changed me forever. A very brave ICE agent, weary of the taunting, was forced to fire a non-lethal, chemical munition into the head of my supervisor. It was beautiful. I realized in that moment that I had been indoctrinated by the Marxist junior college I had attended for two semesters to see immigrants as human beings worthy of due process and humane treatment. I turned my unicorn costume in that night.

Thank You, My Comedy Bitches

I, Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, want to take a little time out of my busy day of beheading journalists, torturing regime critics and pumping money into Jerod Kushner’s investment scam to thank the very edgy American comedians for coming here to perform at The Riyadh Comedy Festival and spreading their unique brand of mirth with us, because frankly, there’s not a lot to laugh about in this country.

I also want to applaud their bold commitment to free speech, which is so bold that it only requires a million dollars and a free airline ticket for them to completely abandon it. While some have compared them to high end escorts, I am worth twenty-five billion so they are still cheap whores to me–no offense intended.

All kidding aside, I sincerely appreciate their explicit agreement not to make any jokes about the Saudi Royal family, the Saudi government and religion. It’s nice to know that there are still celebrities whose fearless independence is as easy to purchase as replacement earbuds at the airport gift store. I am especially grateful that these neutered comics agreed not to take advantage of the seventh anniversary of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder, which occurred during our hilarious festival, to make cheap political points about not killing and dismembering people who actually have the courage of their convictions. Thank you, my little comedy bitches.

Kilmeade Proposes Killing Homeless, Feeding Them to Working Poor

Fox New Anchor Brian Kilmeade pushed back on critics of his statement last week that homeless people who refused social services should receive lethal injections.

“Last week, I rather hastily suggested a final solution to the homeless problem, and a lot of folks took what I said out of context when I said ‘Kill ’em,'” Kilmeade explained Thursday night. “What I was really driving at is that if we exterminated the homeless drug addicts and winos who contribute nothing to society except filth and squalor, we could turn them into tasty nutritious wafers by some revolutionary new process, and then we could feed them to the working poor who are going to be losing their food stamps soon, and that would be a net gain for society.”

Supreme Court Grants El Salvador More Time to Torture Abrego Garcia

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that Abrego Garcia, a Salvadorean national wrongfully deported to his home country, must remain in the CECOT dungeon until authorities there have had the proper time to torture him, strip him of every last ounce of human dignity and provide more Trump officials with the opportunity for photo ops with his torturers.

Garcia, who was never convicted of a crime either in El Salvador or the United States and was protected by court order from deportation, was nonetheless arrested by ICE and flown in chains to the massive prison in Tecoluca, El Salvador. The U.S. District Court in Maryland ruled Garcia’s deportation unlawful and ordered that the Trump administration return him to the United States by 11:59 Monday.

Chief Justice John Roberts granted a stay against the order, arguing that “the District Court in Maryland clearly infringed on the right of a foreign country to torture a man illegally deported from the United States with absolutely no due process, and this court will never abide such an egregious injustice.”

“Caucasian Campesinos” Cheerfully Embrace Grueling Farm Labor

In a bid to support their president’s tough immigration policies, hundreds of thousands of white Trump supporters around the country are taking backbreaking, low-paying agricultural jobs usually done by immigrants. The surprise movement, which emerged suddenly out of nowhere, has been dubbed the “Caucasian Campesinos” by the media.

One of these hardy Trump supporters, Stephanie Briggs, a blond, blue-eyed strawberry picker in Watsonville, California, said she felt she needed to do more to support the president’s policies. “You know, like everybody else, I was sharing the anti-Mexican memes on Facebook and screaming ‘Build the Wall’ at Trump rallies. But then I realized that the problem cannot be solved by the government building the wall alone. Real American patriots like me have to step up and do the grueling, dirty, thankless jobs they say we won’t do and do them with a smile.”

After Briggs’ supervisor shouted at her to get back to work, she stepped back into the field. “Gotta get back to work,” she said with a chipper grin. “But you know, the long hours of stooping and picking in the baking sun with few bathroom breaks, low pay, and primitive living conditions is a small price to pay for preserving America for real Americans.”

Freed Jan 6 Rioter Welcomes Bright Future of Beating Political Opponents With Impunity

Washington, DC — Mike Jaworski, a rioter convicted of stomping on a Capitol Police Officer’s head on January 6th, 2021, has been released following President Trump’s sweeping pardons of those charged or convicted for their participation in that day’s ugly events. Jaworski, who during his trial admitted to being duped by President Trump’s lies about the 2020 Election, now proclaims his pride at being willing to “fight fight fight for President Trump” during the assault on the Capitol that left more than one hundred and forty police officers injured and at least five people dead.

The forty-seven year old former member of the Paunchy Patriots, a militia group devoted to preserving Americans’ Second Amendment rights and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, was jubilant upon his release from the DC Jail, and is clearly savoring the next chapter of his life.

“The next time I stomp on some Deep State bastard’s head, I know President Trump will have my back,” Jaworski crowed. “There’s something very empowering about knowing that the law doesn’t apply to you. President Trump taught me that important American value, and I can hardly wait to get out there and hunt me down some communist sons-of-bitches!”

Trump Doubles Down on James Brown Helicopter Story

Former President Donald Trump doubled down on his claim that he had a near death experience on a helicopter ride with soul legend James Brown on Monday. Trump insisted that the Godfather of Soul had been on a helicopter ride with him in some nonspecific time and place when engine problems forced the craft to make an emergency landing. The Minister of New Super Heavy Funk chose to spend what he thought were his final moments sharing his bitterness about his broken relationship with Kamala Harris, the surging new front runner for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination with Mr. Trump, who by all accounts is excellent listener and empathic friend.

Trump Pledges to Stamp Out the Scourge of Voting

Former President Donald Trump told a fired-up crowd of Republican Christians Friday night that if he won this year’s election, they would no longer need to exercise their right to vote in four years because “we’ll have it fixed so good, you won’t have to vote.”

Appearing at the Turning Point Action event in West Palm Beach, Florida, Trump assured the audience that upstanding Christians like themselves could blow off their cherished rights to participate in the selection of office holders of our beloved Constitutional Republic in 2028, a curious claim to make to the most passionate segment of his voting base.

“I love you Christians,” Trump told the adoring crowd. “I’m a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again, we’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to have to vote,” Trump said.

Trump neglected to explain what exactly “we’ll have it fixed so good” meant. Some wondered what this “fix” might imply for opposition voters whom he has previously disparaged as “vermin living within the confines of our country” if he was telling his own voters their votes would be unnecessary.

The media noted Trump’s statement in ho-hum articles which blandly noted that the leader of one party was stating as a fact that there might be no election whatsoever in 2028 while the leaders of the other party argued that having elections and voting were actually essential elements of a functional Constitutional Republic.

Kristi Noem Says Puppy Voted Illegally in 2020

Pierre, South Dakota –Embattled South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem now claims that she shot her dog Cricket not simply for being aggressive but also because she voted illegally for Joe Biden in the 2020 Election as part of a massive Democratic Party voter fraud scheme.

While Noem’s critics say her most recent rationale for dragging her puppy to a gravel pit and shooting her is a preposterous lie to salvage her waning hopes of being Donald Trump’s Vice President in the 2024 race, Noem argued that her dog voting was no more ludicrous than the charges that millions of illegal immigrants and dead people voted in 2020.