CPAC’s Matt Schlapp on Boebert: Schlong Groping Should Be Discrete

CPAC Chairman Matt Schlapp sharply criticized Congresswoman Lauren Boebert Saturday for vigorously stroking the member of her date at a performance of the musical Beetlejuice in Colorado last week.

“If you’re going to grab somebody’s schlong while being a self-professed purveyor of Christian family values, at least do it in the back seat of a limousine or some other discrete location and not somewhere where there are security cameras to record your blatant hypocrisy.”

Schlapp, who is being sued by former Herschel Walker campaign aid for grabbing the young man’s crotch while his limousine was taking him to his hotel, boasted that there is no video evidence supporting the charges against him, just an apologetic text message where he begs the aid to call him.

When a reporter pointed out that Boebert’s public pleasuring of her date at least appeared to be consensual as opposed to Schlapp’s unwanted mugging of the young man’s nether regions, the CPAC Chairman insisted that he merely was attempting to pray with him when his hands mysteriously wandered in the course of doing the Lord’s work.

How White Men Fight by Tucker Carlson

Fox News thought they could cancel me, but they forgot one very important thing: How white men fight.

My name is Tucker Carlson and I’m white. If you’re a white man like me, you probably already know that white men fight in an honorable fashion, unlike the dusky hordes invading our open borders who know nothing of honor, duty, dignity and respect and are making our country dirtier and poorer every day.

That’s why they fired me. Because I am a white man who fights honorably. They called me a racist when I promoted the “Great Replacement” theory, which argues that Democrats and globalist elites are importing more obedient voters from the Third World in order to replace “legacy Americans” and galvanize their political power. They called me a racist when I claimed that white supremacy did not exist, when I said that George Floyd had killed himself on Derek Chauvin’s knee, when I called Iraqis illiterate monkeys, when I demanded to see Ketanji Brown Jackson’s LSAT scores, when my head writer Blake Neff had to resign for posting ugly racist comments online.

Obviously, as a white man who fights honorably, I cannot let those baseless attacks using my very own words to stand. I’m going to fight back honorably against THEM, who is anybody who disagrees with me and who is automatically enrolled in the globalist elite and Deep State at the very moment they do so. Fox added their name to that dark ledger when they fired me.

So now I must fight back against Fox like a white man. With honor. Like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Not dishonorably like the immigrants making our country dirtier and poorer or the illiterate Iraqi monkeys would fight. I will fight back with the honor exclusive to white men who know that white supremacy is a hoax and that we must preserve the purity of America for “legacy Americans” who fight with honor because they are white.

Tucker: “I Hate Him Passionately” in the Positive Way

Tucker Carlson wants everyone to know that he loves Donald Trump now and always has. Appearing on Bo Snerdley’s WABC radio program Monday, the Fox talk show host expressed outrage that his private text messages were made public as a result of the Dominion lawsuit against Fox and insisted that his January 4th, 2021 text that said “I hate him passionately,” referring to the former president, has been taken out of context.

“The key word there is passion,” Carlson explained. “I’m passionate about Trump like in a Sid and Nancy way. If we were a couple, we’d be fucking in fleabag hotels while shooting up with dirty needles until one of us stabbed the other. And that little bit of hate flared up in me in that text—but it was just a tiny piece of my overall passionate adoration of Donald Trump, or Big Scrumptious Boss-Daddy as I like to call him.”

Carlson also explained the circumstances that prompted the angry message. “Some idiot on the Trump campaign sent us the names of these dead voters who had voted. And we went and repeated them on air, and it turns out some of them were alive. So I just felt humiliated.”

So naturally after airing dubious allegations of voter fraud provided by an “idiot” without bothering to check their accuracy, what would be more natural than saying “I hate him passionately” when you actually meant to say “I’m very fond of him but he does tend to hire idiots.”

Carlson didn’t offer any context for other messages he sent which could be construed as negative. In another January 4th text, Carlson said “There really isn’t an upside to Trump,” and in a January 7th text the Fox host fumed “He’s a demonic force, a destroyer.”

Carlson wanted to emphasize that he was not appearing on the show to do damage control for having been exposed as someone who tells his audience one thing while clearly believing precisely the opposite or for airing completely false allegations without any sort of fact-checking or corrections. “My audience will never hear about those texts in the first place, and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. I mean, the point we were all making in those texts, over and over again, is that they want to be lied to.”

Men in Dresses Haunt the Dreams of Godly Men

Godly Christian conservative men are very concerned about other men who don women’s clothing for public entertainment and other purposes. How concerned? They think about them a lot. A lot.

These righteous followers of Jesus Christ and supply side economics, who are very secure in their own masculinity, wake up at night worrying about their young sons, whom God has created in his own heterosexual Marlborough Man image, being indoctrinated by drag performers at the local library with an assist from the blue-haired Marxist librarian.

The men in dresses who saunter through their dreams with coy smiles have made these Godly men so uneasy that now they have to attend the local Library Board meetings that they had never attended before in their entire lives to scream “Groomers!” at people who don’t agree with them.

And it isn’t just the library they have to worry about. As Tucker and that guy from Newsmax have pointed out, the schools are riddled with pedophiles and groomers. In spite of the fact that God has imbued each and every child with a healthy, glorious heterosexuality, they are all just one gay book or one groomer teacher away from slipping into a hideous “alternative” lifestyle that would compel Jesus to consign them to eternal incineration in the inferno of Hell.

That’s why they lie awake at night, bathed in sweat, thinking intently about those men in dresses.

McCarthy Agrees to Wear Diapers and Shock Collar as New Speaker

Washington DC–

Newly elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy achieved his victory on the 15th vote by agreeing to hard-liners’ demand that he always wear diapers and a shock collar controlled by members of the Freedom Caucus while on the House floor.

“The diapers will force Kev Kev to perpetually wallow in humiliation and of course the shock collar will keep him from even thinking about moving any legislation through Congress that does not have a fifteen page rider named for Hunter Biden’s junk attached to it,” Congressman Matt Gaetz said after the fifteenth and final vote.

McCarthy seemed to be comfortable with his latest concession. “Let’s face it, after I crawled back to Mar-a-Lago on my hands and knees after identifying President Trump as the cause of the January 6th assault on the Capitol, I was pretty much an emasculated manchild held in contempt by everyone in DC and the country, including President Trump, who looked at me with undisguised disgust. The diapers are just a symbol of what everybody already knows about me.”

Kari Lake Announces Screaming on Street Corner Campaign

Phoenix, Arizona– Failed Arizona gubernatorial candidate Kari Lake has announced that she will commence a campaign of visiting random street corners in the cities of Arizona and screaming at passers-by and passing motorists that “I am the real governor!” with a deranged look on her face. Other slogans she will be shrieking include “Katie Hobbs is a Chinese, Hugo Chavez Puppet!” and “Arizona Voting Machnes Gave Republicans Syphilis!”

The screaming campaign was the brainchild of newly hired advisor Richard Trumball, former Director of the Department of Conspiracies for the Trump administration. Trumball, a scroungy former street preacher on the streets of Columbus, Ohio before his stint with the Trump administration, thought that Lake needed something beyond the obligatory legal challenges to the election.

“Let’s face it, those wild claims of massive election fraud dissolve like Cornflakes in battery acid in a court of law,” Trumball told reporters Friday afternoon. “But on the street corner, the wilder the claims, the better. You want to grab their attention with a combination of berserk allegations and an outlandish display of feverish lunacy. Kari has always had that weird sort of nervous energy and natural hostility, but I encouraged her to take it to the next level and let it all hang loose on the street corner. A shot of Christian Brothers Brandy before you hit the street doesn’t hurt either.”

Republicans: “We May Have to Do January 6th Again if Trump Indicted.”

Republicans are warning the country that, although they really really don’t want to, they may be forced to do the January 6th insurrection all over again with all its attendant vandalism, attacks on law enforcement, threats to the lives of public officials and smearing of feces on pertinent government landmarks if President Trump is indicted for illegally removing 700 classified documents from the White Houe and refusing to return them.

Senator Lindsey Graham speaking to Fox News “Sunday Night in America,” said that while “the furthest thing from my mind is issuing a veiled threat to the Department of Justice, it behooves its officials to consider the grisly hellscape America could become if peace-loving Trump supporters are forced to visit death and destruction on its cities where blood will run in the streets and Deep State heads will be impaled on spikes. But things happen, don’t they? Things break. People can get hurt. Nobody wants that.”

New Poll Shows Heavily Armed Psychopaths Leaning Republican

Armed Psychopath Mike Jaworski prior to his arrest for the January 6th Insurrection. If he avoids conviction on all charges, he plans to vote Republican.

Washington, DC– A new Washington Post/ABC poll shows that 67 percent of heavily armed psychopaths are strongly favoring Republicans in the lead up to November’s mid-term elections. 18 percent of heavily armed psychopaths favored Independents, 8 percent preferred the Green Party and just 7 percent expressed a preference for the Democratic Party.

The issues most important to heavily armed psychopaths were lurid and preposterous conspiracy theories involving stolen elections, the deliberate release of the Coronavirus “plandemic” into the world by nefarious Globalists for the purpose of creating a one world government, and the massive pedophilia ring perpetrated by blood-drinking Democrats, Hollywood actors, and their Globalist confederates around the world.

Perhaps the most pressing issue for heavily armed psychopaths is the recent search warrant served at Donald Trump’s estate Mar-a-Lago. One heavily armed psychopath chose to attack an FBI field office in Cincinnati, Ohio last week with a nail gun and an AR-15 rather than marking his ballot in November and was subsequently dispatched by law enforcement. The gunman in that case shared the frustration of many heavily armed psychopaths with the rest of the country’s reluctance to engage in a new civil war.

Republicans Unveil “Have Your Rapist’s Baby For Jesus” Campaign Slogan

Image Burman/Cuellar

The Republican National Committee, seeking to capitalize on the jubilation of conservatives over the leaked draft of the Supreme Court decision overturning Roe v. Wade, has introduced a new slogan for the 2022 campaign: “Have Your Rapist’s Baby for Jesus!”

“We think this will give young women the opportunity to demonstrate great faith in God by bringing one of his beloved children into the world under highly challenging circumstances,” RNC spokesman Ray Lipscomb said Tuesday. “And unlike our baby-killing friends across the aisle, we think American women are up to the challenge!”

Some Republicans have expressed concerns about the possibilities of the slogan being perceived as heartless and have proposed alternate slogans thought to be more appealing. “Just Claim Fraud” and “Tax the Poor” have been suggested but have yet to gain traction with the leadership of the RNC.

But Lipscomb, a young maverick in the RNC, argues it is time for Republicans to “stop being ashamed of what we believe and go on the offensive.” While some Republicans have made a point since the leak of the draft decision of claiming that they will boost government benefits for mothers and the children born once Roe is overturned, Lipscomb scoffs at such a dramatic change in course.

“Come on, we fought Biden’s proposals for paid and parental leave for working mothers, expanded day care subsidies and a heftier child tax credit,” Lipscomb pointed out. “We fought Obamacare, which bans higher premiums for women of child-bearing age and covers birth control. And naturally Republican governors refused the Medicaid expansion that would have offered healthcare to hundreds of thousands in their states with billions of dollars from the federal government. So now who’s going to believe that suddenly the red states are going to cough up a bunch of money for these new babies and their mothers? Ten states have passed abortion bans with no exceptions for rape or incest. The point is to punish poorer women for getting pregnant because that’s the way Jesus wants it and I think we should be loud and proud about it.”