Filthy, Urine Stained Street Preacher Changes Apocalypse Date Again

Columbus, Ohio. End Times preacher Richard Trumball, who has been an obstreperous, malodorous fixture on the corner of Reed and 4th Streets in Columbus for more than a decade, has once again changed the date of the apocalypse. Mr. Trumball had originally predicted a convulsive, fiery doomsday for May 1st, 2026 back in February, but after carefully reevaluating all the relevant data, he has pushed back the date of Armageddon to June 6th, 2026.

“Recent events in the Middle East and a close reading of certain sections of ‘Revelations’ have forced me to recalculate the date of the beginning of the end,” Trumball told reporters Wednesday. “Plus the date of June 6th is literally 6/6/2026, all right? The Anti-Christ Mandani has appeared, and soon we’re going to see the Whore of Babylon, the Lake of Blood, the works. The sad thing is according to my calculations, the Strait of Hormuz will be opened up on June 5th.”

Trump-Kennedy Center to Host Prestigious Cockfight

Washington, DC –The Donald J. Trump and John F. Kennedy Memorial Center for the Performing Arts, which has experienced some unexpected cancellations by various artists recently, has booked the annual South Carolina Cockfighting Classic for January of 2026. The yearly tournament, which is usually held at an abandoned factory in Spartanbug, South Carolina due to the illegality of the sport, was greenlighted by the Trump administration for the Trump-Kennedy Center in light of the spate of cancellations.

“We’re excited to announce that Rob Schneider or Roseanne Barr may emcee the event, which will be bookended by a wet t-shirt contest and a cockroach eating contest,” White House spokeswoman Karoline Leavitt told the press Friday.

“I Was an Antifa Unicorn”: A Special Fox News Report

Your inflatable unicorn costume arrives special delivery, courtesy of Soros Enterprises. You try it on, dance in front of the mirror a little. Your wife begs you not to go but your hatred for America and your passionate devotion to Marxism drives you on. You ignore nagging questions like “How will I pee?” and you squeeze out the front door.

You report to your frog supervisor and he gives you your assignment. I wanted to taunt ICE officers but they told me only the frogs were authorized to taunt. We unicorns were confined to dancing and singing silly songs. I was furious. I told him I came to taunt. He grabbed me by the horn and stared me down with those bulbous eyes.

“You’re not ready to taunt, you little candy-ass! I’ve been Antifa for twelve years and I was only promoted to frog last week. Now get your ass out there and dance–and if I catch you taunting, I will bring such a shitstorm down on your head that you’ll rue the day you ever donned the rainbow horn!”

I hit the streets and I began my dancing and singing of silly songs. After many hours, I witnessed something that changed me forever. A very brave ICE agent, weary of the taunting, was forced to fire a non-lethal, chemical munition into the head of my supervisor. It was beautiful. I realized in that moment that I had been indoctrinated by the Marxist junior college I had attended for two semesters to see immigrants as human beings worthy of due process and humane treatment. I turned my unicorn costume in that night.

Thank You, My Comedy Bitches

I, Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, want to take a little time out of my busy day of beheading journalists, torturing regime critics and pumping money into Jerod Kushner’s investment scam to thank the very edgy American comedians for coming here to perform at The Riyadh Comedy Festival and spreading their unique brand of mirth with us, because frankly, there’s not a lot to laugh about in this country.

I also want to applaud their bold commitment to free speech, which is so bold that it only requires a million dollars and a free airline ticket for them to completely abandon it. While some have compared them to high end escorts, I am worth twenty-five billion so they are still cheap whores to me–no offense intended.

All kidding aside, I sincerely appreciate their explicit agreement not to make any jokes about the Saudi Royal family, the Saudi government and religion. It’s nice to know that there are still celebrities whose fearless independence is as easy to purchase as replacement earbuds at the airport gift store. I am especially grateful that these neutered comics agreed not to take advantage of the seventh anniversary of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder, which occurred during our hilarious festival, to make cheap political points about not killing and dismembering people who actually have the courage of their convictions. Thank you, my little comedy bitches.

Kilmeade Proposes Killing Homeless, Feeding Them to Working Poor

Fox New Anchor Brian Kilmeade pushed back on critics of his statement last week that homeless people who refused social services should receive lethal injections.

“Last week, I rather hastily suggested a final solution to the homeless problem, and a lot of folks took what I said out of context when I said ‘Kill ’em,'” Kilmeade explained Thursday night. “What I was really driving at is that if we exterminated the homeless drug addicts and winos who contribute nothing to society except filth and squalor, we could turn them into tasty nutritious wafers by some revolutionary new process, and then we could feed them to the working poor who are going to be losing their food stamps soon, and that would be a net gain for society.”

Supreme Court Grants El Salvador More Time to Torture Abrego Garcia

The Supreme Court ruled Monday that Abrego Garcia, a Salvadorean national wrongfully deported to his home country, must remain in the CECOT dungeon until authorities there have had the proper time to torture him, strip him of every last ounce of human dignity and provide more Trump officials with the opportunity for photo ops with his torturers.

Garcia, who was never convicted of a crime either in El Salvador or the United States and was protected by court order from deportation, was nonetheless arrested by ICE and flown in chains to the massive prison in Tecoluca, El Salvador. The U.S. District Court in Maryland ruled Garcia’s deportation unlawful and ordered that the Trump administration return him to the United States by 11:59 Monday.

Chief Justice John Roberts granted a stay against the order, arguing that “the District Court in Maryland clearly infringed on the right of a foreign country to torture a man illegally deported from the United States with absolutely no due process, and this court will never abide such an egregious injustice.”

“Caucasian Campesinos” Cheerfully Embrace Grueling Farm Labor

In a bid to support their president’s tough immigration policies, hundreds of thousands of white Trump supporters around the country are taking backbreaking, low-paying agricultural jobs usually done by immigrants. The surprise movement, which emerged suddenly out of nowhere, has been dubbed the “Caucasian Campesinos” by the media.

One of these hardy Trump supporters, Stephanie Briggs, a blond, blue-eyed strawberry picker in Watsonville, California, said she felt she needed to do more to support the president’s policies. “You know, like everybody else, I was sharing the anti-Mexican memes on Facebook and screaming ‘Build the Wall’ at Trump rallies. But then I realized that the problem cannot be solved by the government building the wall alone. Real American patriots like me have to step up and do the grueling, dirty, thankless jobs they say we won’t do and do them with a smile.”

After Briggs’ supervisor shouted at her to get back to work, she stepped back into the field. “Gotta get back to work,” she said with a chipper grin. “But you know, the long hours of stooping and picking in the baking sun with few bathroom breaks, low pay, and primitive living conditions is a small price to pay for preserving America for real Americans.”

Freed Jan 6 Rioter Welcomes Bright Future of Beating Political Opponents With Impunity

Washington, DC — Mike Jaworski, a rioter convicted of stomping on a Capitol Police Officer’s head on January 6th, 2021, has been released following President Trump’s sweeping pardons of those charged or convicted for their participation in that day’s ugly events. Jaworski, who during his trial admitted to being duped by President Trump’s lies about the 2020 Election, now proclaims his pride at being willing to “fight fight fight for President Trump” during the assault on the Capitol that left more than one hundred and forty police officers injured and at least five people dead.

The forty-seven year old former member of the Paunchy Patriots, a militia group devoted to preserving Americans’ Second Amendment rights and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, was jubilant upon his release from the DC Jail, and is clearly savoring the next chapter of his life.

“The next time I stomp on some Deep State bastard’s head, I know President Trump will have my back,” Jaworski crowed. “There’s something very empowering about knowing that the law doesn’t apply to you. President Trump taught me that important American value, and I can hardly wait to get out there and hunt me down some communist sons-of-bitches!”

Trump Doubles Down on James Brown Helicopter Story

Former President Donald Trump doubled down on his claim that he had a near death experience on a helicopter ride with soul legend James Brown on Monday. Trump insisted that the Godfather of Soul had been on a helicopter ride with him in some nonspecific time and place when engine problems forced the craft to make an emergency landing. The Minister of New Super Heavy Funk chose to spend what he thought were his final moments sharing his bitterness about his broken relationship with Kamala Harris, the surging new front runner for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination with Mr. Trump, who by all accounts is excellent listener and empathic friend.