Washington DC. A squad of elite geriatric Antifa commandos masquerading as Black Lives Matters protesters surged past barriers and stormed the White House Friday morning, easily routing secret service agents and police officers as they flooded into the building. According to one reporter, President Trump was caught as he was fleeing to his basement bunker by 86 year old commando Florence Wilmot, who made a sensational, highlight film quality flying tackle of the Commander-in-Chief.
The commandos, some of whom wore “Avenge Martin Gugino” t-shirts, are part of an elite tactical squad named “Antifa Antique,” which is trained for urban combat. Some members of the unit, including Wilmot, were incensed at the treatment of their comrade Martin Gugino, an Antifa Provocateur who, as President Trump pointed out, “fell harder than was pushed” but nonetheless managed to injure himself when his head hit the concrete after successfully inducing the police to push him.
As of Friday afternoon, Antifa Antique is still occupying the White House and holding President Trump hostage as law enforcement have cordoned off the area. In a communique sent to the media, the group warned that if police departments around the country are not immediately abolished and Martin Gugino’s attackers jailed, they will force President Trump to read both the Constitution and the Bible.