You know you’re not the you you could be. I’m Zack Keane. I can help you become the you you could be. The you you always wanted to be. Where is that you? I’m Zach Keane. Before I became the me I always wanted to be, I was just like the you you are, the sad, miserable you that’s not the you you could be. I’m Zack Keane, Director of the Institute of Advanced Transpersonal Methodologies, and I no longer use cocaine. I’m here to disrupt the mindful reinvention of you!
Before I became the me I always wanted to be, I was a clammy, acne-scarred, depressed Uber driver living in a dingy apartment, washing down bags of Doritos with Pabst Blue Ribbon beer and snorting cocaine as I slumped on a mangy thrift store sofa and binge-watched the dregs of reality TV, hoping to find solace in comparing myself with the rejected losers of those tournaments of misery. I was a modern day Travis Bickle one or two failures away from a grisly pimp-hunting spree.
Now I’m the me I always wanted to be helping you to become the you you could be. I’m Zack Keane. Director of the Institute of Advanced Transpersonal Methodologies. You may have read about me in the media recently. But don’t believe the fake news concerning the lawsuits against me or the Institute.
Those people chose to attempt the fire walk all by themselves and none of them had worse than second degree burns. And the sexual harassment suits were the product of embittered, unattractive women who failed to become the them they could be. And those Institute members who chose to live on our compound lived in comfortable bungalows, not dilapidated lean-tos and they were not forced to do menial labor but rather encouraged to engage in self-esteem-building endeavors.
As you’ll learn in my 27-part audio course The Seven Antidotes to Self-Loathing, (we accept all major credit cards) these things happen to successful, self-actualized winners, but they are just one more challenge for us to embrace with mindful exuberance.
I’m Zack Keane, Director of the Institute of Advanced Transpersonal Methodologies, and I don’t use cocaine. I have made the four agreements, speak the five languages of love, have the six pillars of self-esteem, the seven habits of highly effective people and the seven antidotes to self-loathing, the gifts of imperfection and emotional intelligence. I’m co-dependent no more and I shit the 48 laws of power! I am the love child of Tony Robbins and Marianne Williamson! I make the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket do push-ups! When I walk by, people immediately race home and scour their kitchens from top to bottom. I am Dale Carnegie with a six-hour Viagra hard-on, and the room is getting blurry so get the fuck out of my way because there’s nothing more dangerous than a blind man with a six-hour hard-on!
I’m sorry, I got a little…My name is Zack Keane, and I will help you disrupt the mindful reinvention of you with my new 27 part audio course The Seven Antidotes to Self-Loathing. We accept all major credit cards. We are winning all our lawsuits and I definitely don’t do cocaine!