A recently unearthed transcript of the Inquisition’s Trial of Galileo in Rome in 1633 reveals that the astronomer’s charm offensive nearly got him off the hook.
INQUISITOR: Galileo Galilei, you have been brought before this tribunal on very serious charges. They include–
GALILEO: This isn’t about that, uh, little crack I made the other day, is it?
INQUISITOR: Crack?
GALILEO: Yeah, that silly business about the Earth rotating around the sun. You see, I was knocking off for lunch with some astronomer buddies, and my pal Enrico says, “Hey, guys, I’m treating today,” and I say, “Right, and the Earth rotates around the sun.” (laughs casually, then rises) That’s all there was to it. You know, I’m really glad to get this whole thing straightened out. (starts moving nonchalantly toward the exit) You guys have been terrific, really. I’ve always said the Inquisition gets a bad rap.
INQUISITOR: Sit down, Signor Galilei.
GALILEO stops, unnerved by the stern looks from the INQUISITOR and the JUDGES.
GALILEO: You see, Enrico’s a real skinflint. I was being sarcastic.
INQUISITOR: I said sit down.
GALILEO sheepishly returns to his seat.
INQUISITOR: And the maps illustrating a helio-centric solar system we confiscated in your study? Were those intended to be sarcastic too?
GALILEO: Oh, yeah, the maps. That’s kind of a funny story, your Honor.
INQUISITOR: Please make it brief.
GALILEO: Well…I have this, uh…nephew, you see…
INQUISITOR: Nephew?
GALILEO: (clearly winging it) Right, and he’s…how shall I put it? He’s half a bubble off plumb. A good boy, you understand, but when the Good Lord passed out the brains–
INQUISITOR: Can you get to the point?
GALILEO: Of course, your Eminence. He gets these hair-brained ideas into his head. Well, one of them was this nonsense about the Earth rotating around the sun. You try to talk sense into them, but…well, he draws up these maps, I tell him not to leave them around my study, people could get the wrong idea, but it’s in one ear and out the other. If your grace has teenagers at home–
INQUISITOR: And where is this nephew of yours now?
GALILEO: France, my Lord.
INQUISITOR: France.
GALILEO: Wants to see the world, you know. I told him, “Finish your degree first, then see the world, but–“
INQUISITOR: (holds up a book) And did this “nephew’ of yours also write this book?
GALILEO: What, uh, what book would that be, your Honor?
INQUISITOR: Dialogue Concerning the Two Chief World Systems by Galileo Galilei.
GALILEO: No, um, that’s uh, that’s me, your Grace.
INQUISITOR: And doesn’t this book propagate the heretical theory that the Earth rotates around the sun?
GALILEO: “Propagate” is a strong word, your Eminence.
INQUISITOR: I would advise the accused to stop hedging.
GALILEO: Not to split hairs, your Grace, but hedging involves–
INQUISITOR: You’re doing it again.
GALILEO: I’m merely suggesting that–
INQUISITOR: Perhaps Signor Galilei would prefer to go downstairs for interrogation?
GALILEO: Downstairs?…uh, what was the question?
INQUISITOR: Does your book propagate the theory that the Earth rotates around the sun?
GALILEO: Some might interpret it that way, my Lord.
INQUISITOR: And in your book isn’t the church’s position of an Earth-centered solar system put forth by a character named “Simplicio,” which translates as simpleton?
GALILEO: I suppose one could translate–
INQUISITOR: So your book not only posits a heretical theory, Signor Galilei, but it directly ridicules the church’s position, which is taken directly from the word of God. Do you see the problem we have here?
GALILEO: You want me to denounce the book as false and recant, right?
INQUISITOR: You’re very perceptive, Signor Galileo.
GALILEO: Yeah, well, uh…look, I know the Inquisition doesn’t generally cut deals, but hear me out. Why not tell everyone I fled the country and burn me in effigy? I keep a low profile, stick around the old home front. I don’t get out much any more anyway. This way you make an example of me, people stay away from my book, and best of all, the Inquisition doesn’t come off like an ogre. No offense but your image could use a little softening.
INQUISITOR: Signor Galilei, the Holy Office has no interest in “softening its image”!
GALILEO: Forgive me if I seem impertinent, my Lord, but your public image is directly undermining your mission. Now, I’m just spit-balling it here, but I’ve got a couple of ideas that might help get John Q. Public on your side.
INQUISITOR: Signor Galilei–
GALILEO: For starters the “Inquisition” is a little on the intimidating side. Cold, unapproachable. What you’re really doing is encouraging people’s faith, am I right? So why not call it “The Holy Faith Encouragement Office”?
INQUISITOR: This is outrageous, Signor Galilei! (shouting to GUARDS) Take him downstairs for interrogation!
The GUARDS start moving toward GALILEO.
JUDGE #1: Wait a minute. What was that? The Holy Faith…?
The GUARDS stop.
GALILEO: The Holy Faith Encouragement Office, your Honor.
JUDGE#1: Interesting.
INQUISITOR: What?
JUDGE#1: Something like that might give us more of a human face.
INQUISITOR: But your Honor–
JUDGE#1: Tell me more about this “image softening,” Signor Galilei.
GALILEO: With pleasure, your Honor. I’m talking about a complete makeover. Take off the black hats, break out the million dollar smiles and charm the pants off Christendom. As it is now, you guys go out in the streets and everybody clams up, am I right?
JUDGE#1: You know, I have heard some of our officers make that complaint.
GALILEO: (approaching JUDGE#1) Now the way I see it, an officer of the Holy Faith Encouragement Office should be like a friendly teacher you had in school…someone you can kid around with but keeps you on the straight and narrow. Okay, you run some ads, do some billboards. A handsome, young officer with a winsome smile and a cute kid. With one hand, he’s warding off Satan. With the other, he’s handing the kid a piece of chewing gum.
INQUISITOR: (to JUDGE#1) Your Honor, this is really–
JUDGE#1: I like it! It gives us more of a positive image.
GALILEO: Exactly, your Honor. What image comes to mind now when people hear the Inquisition? Dungeons, instruments of torture, people being burnt at the stake. You remember all the ill will created when Giordano Bruno was burned in the Campo de’ Fiori?
JUDGE#1: What?
GALILEO: I’m just saying that when Giordano Bruno was burnt–
JUDGE#1: I was one of the judges that condemned Bruno.
GALILEO: Oh, well…I’m sure your Grace didn’t mean to–
JUDGE#1: Let me tell you something, Signor Galilei. In addition to being a heretic, he was an arrogant son-of-a-bitch!
GALILEO: Sure, I mean–
JUDGE#1: Now we’ve been patient with you, Signor Galilei because we believe you’re misguided. So if you’ll just sign the recantation form we’ve prepared for you, you’ll be home in no time, under house arrest of course.
JUDGE#1 nods to the INQUISITOR, who takes the recantation form off his desk along with a pen and presents it to GALILEO.
GALILEO: And if I don’t sign?
JUDGE#1: You have your choice of a birch or cedar wood stake.
Terrified, GALILEO grabs the pen and scribbles his signature on the document.
INQUISITOR: (to GUARDS) Get him out of here.
The GUARDS take the stunned GALILEO by the arms and lead him to the exit.