A recently discovered transcript of a conversation between King Henry VIII, his chief minister Thomas Cromwell and Queen Anne Boleyn, confirms that the paunchy potentate did indeed invent miniature golf.
Henry VIII’s office in the Palace of Whitehall, 1535. HENRY is standing over his desk, feverishly studying some plans. After a moment his minister THOMAS CROMWELL enters.
CROMWELL: Forgive me for interrupting, Majesty, but–
HENRY: Damnit, More, can’t you see that I’m busy?
CROMWELL: It’s Cromwell, Sire.
HENRY: Cromwell? Well, where the Devil is More?
CROMWELL: Executed, Majesty.
HENRY: What? On whose authority?
CROMWELL: Yours, Sire. He refused to sign the Act of Succession.
HENRY: Oh, right. Well, listen, Cromwell, I’m in the middle of something here so–
CROMWELL: It’s rather important, my Lord. The Holy Roman Emperor has refused to acknowledge your new queen.
HENRY: Well, the Holy Roman Emperor was always a bit dodgy.
CROMWELL: The international ramifications are–
HENRY (gesturing to his work) Yes, well, look, Crom’, the thing is, I think I’m onto something big here.
CROMWELL: Majesty?
HENRY (gesturing to his plans) Take a look at this.
CROMWELL: What is this?
HENRY: It’s a golf course, Cromwell.
CROMWELL: A golf course? But what is this little castle?
HENRY: That’s the beauty of it. You see, the little draw bridge goes up and down, and you have to hit the ball so it goes over the bridge when it’s down otherwise it goes into the moat.
CROMWELL: I’m sorry…I don’t understand, Sire.
HENRY: It’s an obstacle, Crom’! And all the holes have them.
CROMWELL: Okay…
HENRY: (pointing) Look at this one.
CROMWELL: Is that…a pirate ship?
HENRY: You have to hit the ball up the ramp so it lands in the bow of the ship, okay, then it goes down a tube and falls on Cannibal Island and from there you have to putt it into the hole.
CROMWELL: That’s really…uh, fascinating, Majesty, but this situation with the Holy Roman Empire–
HENRY: Oh, bugger the Holy Roman Empire, Cromwell! I’ve invented miniature golf!
CROMWELL: Yes, uh, well, congratulations, your Majesty.
HENRY: Do you realize what this means?
CROMWELL: I’m not sure I–
HENRY: The Scots invented modern golf, right? But they’ve got no castles or pirate ships or Cannibal Island. In five years nobody will be playing Scottish golf. They’ll all be miniature golfing on my royal mini-golf courses and filling the royal coffers.
ANNE BOLEYN enters, agitated.
ANNE: Henry, the Holy Roman Emperor has refused to recognize me as queen!
HENRY: Yes, I heard.
ANNE: Well, what are you going to do about it?
HENRY: I’ll take care of it, Honey.
ANNE: He called me the “Heretic Harlot.”
HENRY: I think you’re taking it the wrong way.
ANNE: What?
CROMWELL: The queen has a point, my Lord. We–
HENRY: I said I’ll take care of it!
ANNE: But we must–
HENRY: Listen, Anne, you know those Chinese pagodas you love so much? Well, look at this…(gestures to plans) I made a hole on my mini-golf course with a pagoda. You hit the ball up the ramp, it goes up to the top and then drops down one level at a time until–
ANNE: Okay, we are not talking about your mini-golf course now, Henry!
HENRY: Why can’t anyone else see this? This is the next big thing!
ANNE: I am being internationally mocked by the Catholic powers, and you–
HENRY: But the course is a political statement too, Anne. (pointing to plans) You see the “Whore of Babylon” hole? The ball goes into her mouth and drops down into Hell here with the anti-Christ Pope.
CROMWELL: That is a nice touch.
ANNE: Oh, that’s brilliant! So from now on, whenever we have a problem you can’t solve, you can just add another hole to your mini-golf course.
HENRY: I put the pagoda and the Whore of Babylon on the course as a special surprise for you, Anne, and this is the thanks I get?
ANNE: Thank you, my Lord, but the next time you want to surprise me, try picking out a dress that isn’t too tacky.
CROMWELL: I think what her Ladyship is saying is that–
HENRY: Shut-up, Cromwell!
ANNE: They’re calling me the “Protestant Prostitute,” and you’re playing at a stupid children’s game!
HENRY: Well, maybe they’re not entirely wrong. All those years in France you weren’t studying the Bible the whole time, were you?
CROMWELL: I think what his Majesty means is–
ANNE: Shut-up, Cromwell!
HENRY: Catherine never complained about the dresses I got her!
ANNE: Well, tacky was her style.
HENRY: All right, you know what? I’m taking the goddamn pagoda and the Whore of Babylon off the course! (grabs a quill and starts scratching them out on the plans) That make you happy?
ANNE: As far as I’m concerned, you can have the Whore of Babylon riding Balaam’s Ass through the Garden of Eden while Methuselah does the Dance of the Seven Veils in Sodom and Gomorrah!
ANNE turns and storms out of the office. HENRY considers her parting comment for a moment.
HENRY: That’s not a bad idea.
CROMWELL: Majesty, if I may–
HENRY: Get out, Cromwell!
CROMWELL: Right.
CROMWELL quickly flees the room as HENRY plunges back into his work on the plans with a renewed vigor.