Washington, DC — MAGA Jesus was arrested by the FBI Wednesday after a social media contact reported his post from January 6th boasting that “Me and my patriot disciples are kicking some f*cking Deep State ass today! Yea, behold my righteous pummeling of the iniquitous sons of Satan!” The post included a photo of MAGA Jesus beating a Capitol Police Officer with an American flag.
MAGA Jesus is one of the more recent incarnations of Jesus Christ championed by the ardent followers of defeated one term President Donald Trump. True to Trump’s inclinations, MAGA Jesus is racist, sexist, anti-democratic, totally ignorant of American History, and has a hysterical fear and hatred of immigrants, particularly those hailing from developing nations suffering from a dearth of fair-skinned people prone to wearing lederhosen.
MAGA Jesus’ lawyer Marshall Foley told reporters Friday that his client was being persecuted for his religious conviction that beating police officers who are protecting public officials engaged in their duties on federal property was Constitutionally protected free speech, particularly for divine luminaries of paranoid, radicalized sects of Christianity.
Mainline Protestant Jesus, reached by phone Friday, commented, “It’s sad, you know? Of all the Jesuses, he’s the angriest, and he really needs to look inside himself and see what that’s all about.”