Lansing, Michigan. The sputtering, red-faced, gun-toting white men storming the Capitol Thursday were an intimidating sight, screaming into the faces of policemen without wearing masks and shouting “Lock her up” as they protested the shelter-in-place order Governor Gretchen Whitmer has issued at the suggestion of virtually every credible medical expert on the planet.
But now the paunchy freedom fighters have been confined to their homes by a higher authority: their parents. The wily governor dispatched trusted aids into the raging throng of frustrated, overweight white men dressed up like dancers for a Las Vegas show about school shooters. The aids were equipped with retinal scanners that quickly siphoned key information from the eyes of the protesters, including their home phone numbers.
Whitmer’s staff spent Friday morning calling the homes of the protesters, and as expected, the vast majority of them still lived with their parents. When informed of the childish, pathetic antics of their offspring at the protest, the parents were uniformly ashamed and promised to keep their would-be revolutionaries at home for the duration of the governor’s stay-at-home order.
Candace Tebbetts, whose son Lane attended the protest, said she had laid down the law and confined her son to his room until further notice. “Lane’s not a bad kid, you understand. He just doesn’t have much going on right now. He does drywall and construction is halted so…He has his guns and his body armor, his computer games and his friends…well, they’re online friends, you know, not people he really sees. They post all kinds of crazy stuff on the Internet. But when I saw those jackasses on the news dressed up like SWAT team rodeo clowns and carrying on the way they did, I told him ‘Not while you’re living under my roof!'”