Trump Pledges to Stamp Out the Scourge of Voting

Former President Donald Trump told a fired-up crowd of Republican Christians Friday night that if he won this year’s election, they would no longer need to exercise their right to vote in four years because “we’ll have it fixed so good, you won’t have to vote.”

Appearing at the Turning Point Action event in West Palm Beach, Florida, Trump assured the audience that upstanding Christians like themselves could blow off their cherished rights to participate in the selection of office holders of our beloved Constitutional Republic in 2028, a curious claim to make to the most passionate segment of his voting base.

“I love you Christians,” Trump told the adoring crowd. “I’m a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again, we’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to have to vote,” Trump said.

Trump neglected to explain what exactly “we’ll have it fixed so good” meant. Some wondered what this “fix” might imply for opposition voters whom he has previously disparaged as “vermin living within the confines of our country” if he was telling his own voters their votes would be unnecessary.

The media noted Trump’s statement in ho-hum articles which blandly noted that the leader of one party was stating as a fact that there might be no election whatsoever in 2028 while the leaders of the other party argued that having elections and voting were actually essential elements of a functional Constitutional Republic.