Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson declared victory over the New Haven Vaqueros with twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds remaining in the third quarter Sunday, claiming that “a very sad group of people” had taken mysterious steps to cheat his team out of what would have been a certain victory in spite of the fact that his team was losing 27-24 at the time.
When asked to identify “the very sad group of people” and exactly what steps they took to steal a win from his team, Coach Patterson instead complained about the interruption of his club’s post-victory celebration. “We were getting ready to celebrate a great victory for our team. This is a very sad moment for our team and for football fans all over the country. We were getting ready to win this game, and frankly, we did win this game, even though there was still twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds left in the third quarter.”