President Trump’s legal team will be holding a press conference that will precede a highly anticipated cockfight at a yet to be announced abandoned factory in Philadelphia on Friday. A sudden change of venue was required after the Hideaway Motor Court Motel backed out of offering its ballroom as the site of the event for unexplained reasons. Rudy Giuliani, the stalwart captain of Trump’s “Elite Strike Force Team,” insists that this time his crew will share the shocking, explosive evidence of massive voter fraud that handed Joe Biden the presidency that it failed to produce in two previous press conferences.
Those press conferences featured incoherent conspiracy theories and other attention grabbing peculiarities that the strike force will be hard-pressed to top. The first one was held in the dreary parking lot of a landscaping company on the outskirts of Philadelphia whose neighbors included a crematorium and Fantasy Island Adult Book Store. In the second one, Giuliani’s incomprehensible conspiracies were upstaged by the black hair dye oozing down the side of his face.
With the certification of Biden’s victory in the key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Georgia and the wandering attention of the public, the strike force felt it needed to up the ante and offer other inducements to generate interest in its faltering legal efforts. The added attraction of drugged up gamecocks slashing away at each other and spilling their blood in the dirt leaped out at America’s Mayor when he discovered the match was pending and he shrewdly seized the opportunity to showcase the strike team’s legal work by offering its presentation as an opening act. Giuliani also surmised that the likely availability of illegal Oxycontin to fans at the cockfight would make his conspiracy theories easier to grasp.