So you’re an ambitious Republican seeking advancement and you jettisoned any trace of dignity, integrity, self-respect, principles or independent critical thinking in time to catch the great MAGA wave that OUR GREAT LEADER rode into the White House in 2016. Or maybe you hung back, criticized HIS obvious lies, stood on principle and pledged to stand up for true conservative values before coming to your senses and joining the congregation.
Either way, your path forward still requires a public act of ritual self-abasement at Mar-a-Lago that would make a macabre vignette in a Hieronymus Bosch triptych but will endear you forever to the obstreperous January 6th patriots that now rule the party. There are highly specific rules to follow if you truly wish to submit in a manner sufficiently obsequious to curry HIS favor should you be lucky enough to be granted an audience with HIM at Mar-a-Lago.
Before You Come to Mar-a-Lago
Book a fundraising event at Mar-a-Lago. Nothing will get ol’ 45 in your corner as quickly as your deposited funds in the Trump organization’s coffers. But make sure to remind him of your booking at the appropriate moment. The President has a lot on his mind and he may forget your event and for that matter your name during a round of golf.
What to Do When You Come Into HIS Presence
When you enter the room, make sure not to look directly at President Trump. The President does not tolerate impertinence. Look at the floor. Remember, if he backs another candidate in your primary, you might have to go back to running that chain of laundromats or gyms or return to working for your father’s law firm. Do not speak to him until he addresses you, and make sure not to sit down until he tells you to do so. If you are having lunch together, make sure to take his advice on what to order and tell him how much you enjoyed it.
It is a good idea to bring up his incredible electoral college victory of 2016 at the earliest possible moment in the conversation as that is likely to ease him into a favorable state of mind. You might offer something like, “This is the best steak I ever had, Mr. President. It reminds me of your incredible electoral college landslide of 2016.” Be prepared to smile and nod your head as he launches into a forty-five minute long monologue on that topic. (Pro tip: You don’t have to actually listen. The President does not pay keen attention to the engagement of his audience. Just wait for him to stop talking.)
Once the President has exhausted that topic, segue to the stolen election of 2020. You can simply say something like, “After your great electoral college victory of 2016 and all your great achievements as President, they had to steal the 2020 election.” Prepare yourself for another monologue of indefinite duration. Make sure to stifle any involuntary laughter should the President reference bamboo ballots flown into Arizona from China, Hugo Chavez, Italian satellites or thousands of dead voters.
What NOT to Do After Your Visit
Do not immediately post photos of yourself grinning vacantly and giving the thumbs up at the table with President Trump like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio did. You will look like those desperate middle aged men at the adult book store having their picture taken with the porn star who appears as though she were being held hostage in a burning latrine.
Wait a decent interval, at least a day. You don’t want to appear as the desperate, pathetic sycophant you actually are. Yes, you want the President’s luster to briefly illuminate your wretched existence, but a certain subtlety is required. Everyone despises a servile flunky clinging to a popular figure because of their own shocking absence of substance and character. Avoid the pale, obsessive fanboy look that Cruz and Rubio have flaunted and try to appear as a bold partner in President Trump’s mission to make America great again again. With a little luck, the President will endorse you, and you can embrace the challenge of parroting his incoherent conspiracy theories with a straight face for many years to come. With time that feeling of disgust you get when you look in the mirror will fade.