Republicans’ Feelings About Voter Fraud Not Impressing Judges

President Trump and his fellow Republicans have strong feelings about the massive voter fraud they believe robbed him of his rightful reelection to a second term. They feel strongly that it definitely happened and that it was really, really bad voter fraud in different states run by both Republicans and Democrats. They feel so strongly …

Generalissimo Trump Sheltering in Place From Election Reality

President Trump is cowering in the White House since the election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, too emotionally fragile to acknowledge the resounding loss the voters of the country have dealt him. Apart from putting in an appearance to honor veterans Wednesday, the Commander in Chief has been hunkered down on his presidential …

Football Coach Declares Victory in Third Quarter

Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson declared victory over the New Haven Vaqueros with twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds remaining in the third quarter Sunday, claiming that “a very sad group of people” had taken mysterious steps to cheat his team out of what would have been a certain victory in spite of the fact that …

QAnon Puppet Show Boosts Sagging Trump Campaign

Department of Conspiracies Deputy Director and QAnon puppeteer Nancy Hagan-Bartlett’s new puppet show The Reckoning, which she has been performing as a warm-up act at Trump rallies and live-streaming on Trump websites, has injected a much needed shot of adrenaline into the campaign. Trump campaign officials were dismayed at the flop of the dubious Hunter …

Republicans Strive for “Herd Mentality”

Liberals and Never Trumpers have made much of the supposed irony of President Trump, who has gleefully flouted mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines, coming down with COVID-19. What they don’t seem to realize is that his diagnosis was no accident. President Trump is boldly putting into action a plan he described as “herd mentality,” a …

How Not to Be a Hypocrite for Republicans

Okay, so you’re Senator Lindsey Graham, and you are doing precisely the opposite of what you passionately declared was your principled position four years ago. You are seemingly hoisted on your own petard. “I want you to use my words against me. If there’s a Republican president in 2016 and a vacancy occurs in the …

I Will Make You Less Miserable With The Seven Antidotes to Self-Loathing!

You know you’re not the you you could be. I’m Zack Keane. I can help you become the you you could be. The you you always wanted to be. Where is that you? I’m Zach Keane. Before I became the me I always wanted to be, I was just like the you you are, the …

LSD-Spiked Gatorade Spices Up Football Coach’s Interview

A bored sports reporter slipped Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson a cup of Gatorade spiked with LSD, and the coach finally gave an interview worth reading. INTERVIEWER: Coach Patterson, it was a tough first half for the Pachyderms…three turnovers, a blocked field goal, a stalled drive in the red zone and just two third down …

Jerry Falwell Jr.’s Schedule Freed Up to Speak at Republican Convention

Jerry Falwell Jr.’s sudden resignation from the presidency of Liberty University Monday has freed up his schedule so that he will now be able to speak to the Republican Convention on the topic of Christian values. “I just felt that speaking to the president’s supporters, who I know take their core Christian beliefs as seriously …

Did Henry VIII Really Invent Miniature Golf?

A recently discovered transcript of a conversation between King Henry VIII, his chief minister Thomas Cromwell and Queen Anne Boleyn, confirms that the paunchy potentate did indeed invent miniature golf. Henry VIII’s office in the Palace of Whitehall, 1535. HENRY is standing over his desk, feverishly studying some plans. After a moment his minister THOMAS …