Republicans around the country are celebrating Black History Month by proposing a raft of new laws that would restrict voting rights in their states with a particular emphasis on curtailing the votes of African Americans. In Georgia for instance, House Bill 531 would eliminate early voting on Sundays, which have been used in the “Souls …
Category Archives: News
Nebulous “Divisiveness” Brings Unpleasantness to Capitol
As a prominent conservative Republican politician, I feel it is my duty to address the unpleasantness that occurred at the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It is critical for all of us to register our distress at what happened in a vague and oblique manner, taking care not to reflexively point fingers in anger at those who …
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Woody Allen Kidnapped by Fans of His Older Work
Celebrated film maker Woody Allen has been abducted from his Manhattan townhouse by a gang of fans of his older work. The kidnappers issued a communique Monday morning to law enforcement and the media stating their intentions. It reads as follows: Whereas Woody Allen’s films have grown more stale than the air in the doomed …
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Republicans’ Feelings About Voter Fraud Not Impressing Judges
President Trump and his fellow Republicans have strong feelings about the massive voter fraud they believe robbed him of his rightful reelection to a second term. They feel strongly that it definitely happened and that it was really, really bad voter fraud in different states run by both Republicans and Democrats. They feel so strongly …
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Generalissimo Trump Sheltering in Place From Election Reality
President Trump is cowering in the White House since the election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, too emotionally fragile to acknowledge the resounding loss the voters of the country have dealt him. Apart from putting in an appearance to honor veterans Wednesday, the Commander in Chief has been hunkered down on his presidential …
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Football Coach Declares Victory in Third Quarter
Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson declared victory over the New Haven Vaqueros with twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds remaining in the third quarter Sunday, claiming that “a very sad group of people” had taken mysterious steps to cheat his team out of what would have been a certain victory in spite of the fact that …
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QAnon Puppet Show Boosts Sagging Trump Campaign
Department of Conspiracies Deputy Director and QAnon puppeteer Nancy Hagan-Bartlett’s new puppet show The Reckoning, which she has been performing as a warm-up act at Trump rallies and live-streaming on Trump websites, has injected a much needed shot of adrenaline into the campaign. Trump campaign officials were dismayed at the flop of the dubious Hunter …
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Republicans Strive for “Herd Mentality”
Liberals and Never Trumpers have made much of the supposed irony of President Trump, who has gleefully flouted mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines, coming down with COVID-19. What they don’t seem to realize is that his diagnosis was no accident. President Trump is boldly putting into action a plan he described as “herd mentality,” a …
How Not to Be a Hypocrite for Republicans
Okay, so you’re Senator Lindsey Graham, and you are doing precisely the opposite of what you passionately declared was your principled position four years ago. You are seemingly hoisted on your own petard. “I want you to use my words against me. If there’s a Republican president in 2016 and a vacancy occurs in the …
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I Will Make You Less Miserable With The Seven Antidotes to Self-Loathing!
You know you’re not the you you could be. I’m Zack Keane. I can help you become the you you could be. The you you always wanted to be. Where is that you? I’m Zach Keane. Before I became the me I always wanted to be, I was just like the you you are, the …
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