God Stepping Down as New Harassment Allegations Emerge

God, also known as Jehovah, is stepping down temporarily as Supreme Being after a third woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment. The Lord, who had previously dismissed two other accusers as “publicity hustlers,” acknowledged in an interview Tuesday with Christianity Tomorrow that he may have at times “fallen short of the high ethical standards I expect of myself and acted in ways that could have been interpreted as inappropriate.” While denying any criminal conduct, God apologized “if anyone was made to feel uncomfortable by my well-intentioned but clumsy groping.”

Jennifer Ramsey, a medical assistant in Stockton, California, alleged that God materialized in her bedroom wearing an open bathrobe while she was praying to him for help with paying her rent and began trying to kiss her. When she rebuffed his advances, God reportedly asked her, “But you like living in this nice apartment, don’t you?”

God disputed Ms. Ramsey’s characterization of the incident, insisting she had invited him into her bedroom and mistaken his friendly hug for something else. Nonetheless, God announced Tuesday he was stepping down temporarily to take some time for self-reflection.

“While none of the charges against me are true, I now realize that I have at times naively put myself into situations in which others with possible agendas might have misinterpreted my intentions and my carelessness in fastening my bathrobe and that is unacceptable. I am taking some time to become the kind of supreme being you all deserve.”