Library Books Made Me Gay

Heterosexual Jeremy Bauer, who became temporarily homosexual after reading a gay young adult novel.

Nobody is born gay, and I was no exception. I had a crush on Teresa Holcomb in kindergarten and Misty Carlyle in first grade. The crushes on girls continued up until middle school.

But one day I was perusing books at the school library and I happened upon this teen novel. It was one of those early books in the ’90s that brazenly acknowledged the existence of gay people. I will not share the title as I refuse to promote the book that instantly transformed my sexuality against my will and plunged me into a life of extravagant and rather naughty wickedness.

I cannot explain the subtle subterfuge the book employed to alter the natural, healthy heterosexuality with which God had endowed me. But like the character in The Manchurian Candidate looking at the playing card, I was suddenly activated, not to assassinate a political candidate but rather to commit unspeakable sacrileges with members of my own sex. I slammed the book shut and immediately went looking for “action.”

I share this shameful detour in my young life not to titillate anyone with the prurient details of my life of sin, but rather to encourage support for the raft of bills being produced in state houses around the country to eradicate these tools of Satan that infest libraries across our fruited plain, and are designed to recruit children who God created in all their heterosexual glory into a life of depravity. Bill 666, for example, which just passed in the Idaho House of Representatives, can potentially jail librarians and teachers for “disseminating material that is harmful to minors.”

Naturally liberal critics are carping that “material that is harmful to minors” is disturbingly vague and that jailing librarians and teachers for providing access to books some parents might find objectionable is something we might expect in Francoist Spain rather than a robust and free democratic society unafraid of entertaining controversial new ideas. But those arguments are just a fig leaf to cover their hideous conspiracy to transform America into a Godless, Marxist, pan-sexual bacchanalia any decent American would flee from in disgust.

Cleanse the libraries and schools! Remove the immoral books! Lock up the teachers and librarians! And once we’ve done that, we’ll need to clean up the internet because I have heard that curious teens may be able explore “harmful materials” on their laptops and Iphones as well. I am living proof of the harm these materials can cause but also of the power of God’s forgiveness as well the effectiveness of programs like Hank and Sue’s Homosexual Rehabilitation Summer Bible Camp.