New Conservative History Museum Shows that Slavery was “Just a Passing Phase”

Charleston, South Carolina. A new conservative American History museum is slated to open in Charleston this month that will illustrate that “slavery was just a passing phase the young republic experienced,” according to Museum Director Cody Ralston. “I went through a Goth phase when I was in high school,” Ralston noted at a press conference Wednesday in the museum’s Entrepreneur’s Hall. “Do I have to be known as Cody the Goth for the rest of my life?”

The “We Built It” American History Museum “will push back on the radical, revisionist narrative that slavery was somehow central to the founding of the United States,” Ralston said.

“We don’t mean to downplay slavery in American History, but slavery ran out into the middle of the road suddenly on a dark and rainy night, and the Founding Fathers, who were barreling along in the souped-up 1957 Chevy of American Exceptionalism, swerved to avoid it, but ran right into it. Slavery was wearing a tight dress and stiletto heels and hanging out in a back alley, and the Founders stepped out of a bar after a few too many drinks. It was unfortunate.”

Ralston argues that “radical revisionist historians have cherry-picked a few random facts” to support their claim that slavery was central to the founding of the country. “For instance, they make a big deal of the fact that the country’s early economic prosperity was largely created by slave-cultivated cotton, sugar, tobacco, rice and indigo, and that this benefited the entire white population at the expense of African-Americans.”

Ralston, who says he dropped out of college because he was “verbally abused by Marxist professors,” is proud that the foundation for the “We Built It” History Museum is not the work of “entrenched academics” but rather fresh research by “citizen historians inspired by the astute historical observations of President Trump.”

“When the President said ‘Most people don’t know that Lincoln was a Republican,’ he inspired people who were absolutely ignorant of American history to take a fresh look at slavery. They discovered some amazing things, such as the fact that most slaver-holders were Democrats. And when people who are unburdened by any previous knowledge of history take a fact like that and divorce it from any sort of historical context, well, you have a whole new ballgame.”