Austin, Texas. Senator Bernie Sanders, fresh off his resounding victory in the Nevada Caucuses, announced before an ebullient crowd here on Sunday that he would immediately guillotine MSNBC political analyst Chris Matthews upon assuming office.
“On day one of my administration, Chris Matthews will be flown to Washington DC in chains, and publicly guillotined in Lafayette Park along with any other blood-sucking capitalist bastards who oppose my agenda. I’ve invited the Venezuelan soccer team to come for my inauguration and we’ll give them the heads for soccer practice.”
Matthews, who was widely derided for recently suggesting that if the communists had won the cold war, he would have been executed in Central Park and Bernie Sanders would have been in the crowd cheering, now sees his apocalyptic vision becoming a distinct reality.
Matthews, who also compared Sanders’ victory in the Nevada Caucuses to the Nazi victory over France in 1940 in spite of the fact that Sanders is Jewish and had family members murdered in the Holocaust, could not be reached for comment, although someone who answered the phone at his home said he was busy watching the film “Red Dawn.”
The voluble commentator has a history of getting overly excited and making controversial statements. In 2003 following George W. Bush’s landing on the USS Abraham Lincoln in a flight suit to announce “Mission Accomplished” in the Iraq War, Matthews purred about the President’s masculine prowess. “Women like a guy who’s president. Check it out. The women like this war. I think we like having a hero as president. It’s simple.”