I, Crown Prince Mohammed Bin Salman, want to take a little time out of my busy day of beheading journalists, torturing regime critics and pumping money into Jerod Kushner’s investment scam to thank the very edgy American comedians for coming here to perform at The Riyadh Comedy Festival and spreading their unique brand of mirth with us, because frankly, there’s not a lot to laugh about in this country.
I also want to applaud their bold commitment to free speech, which is so bold that it only requires a million dollars and a free airline ticket for them to completely abandon it. While some have compared them to high end escorts, I am worth twenty-five billion so they are still cheap whores to me–no offense intended.
All kidding aside, I sincerely appreciate their explicit agreement not to make any jokes about the Saudi Royal family, the Saudi government and religion. It’s nice to know that there are still celebrities whose fearless independence is as easy to purchase as replacement earbuds at the airport gift store. I am especially grateful that these neutered comics agreed not to take advantage of the seventh anniversary of Jamal Khashoggi’s murder, which occurred during our hilarious festival, to make cheap political points about not killing and dismembering people who actually have the courage of their convictions. Thank you, my little comedy bitches.