Washington D.C. A memo from the White House has been circulating among Republican members of Congress as the Democrats’ impeachment inquiry ramps up. The memo, leaked to reporters by an unnamed Republican, demands that “all Republicans roll in shit in the presence of the Commander in Chief to prove their loyalty to him during the Democrats’ latest rigged witch hunt-coup d’etat attempt.”
While the White House has refused to comment on the memo, some Republicans have dismissed it as “fake news” while others downplayed its significance. “I don’t think it was a real request,” Senator Marco Rubio said. “He just does that to get you guys worked up, like any other normal president would do.”
Other Republicans claimed there was nothing unusual about the president’s request and they would happily comply. Senator Lindsey Graham, who President Trump once described as “one of the dumbest human beings I have ever seen,” said he had “already flung myself face-first in the feces,” and that while it was disagreeable at first, he felt “a sort of exhilaration I find difficult to describe.” Pausing a moment to catch his breath, an emotional Graham continued. “You can’t imagine the sense of freedom you experience when you abandon any pretense of independent thought and surrender yourself body and soul to a stern, authoritarian father figure like President Trump. There’s almost a sexual sense of release. It’s so overwhelming you don’t notice the foul odor or texture of the fecal matter you’re rolling in. And the president’s gratified smile makes it all worth it.”