Some parishioners may have noticed a fresh face among the clergy here at Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels. A highly experienced priest who has worked in some sixteen different dioceses in his long and varied career, he brings a sharply honed administrative expertise that Bishop Hagan hopes will streamline church policies and finances. As such, he will not be conducting masses or performing other sacerdotal duties, and out of a perhaps excessive sense of personal humility, prefers to remain anonymous at this time.
While some parishioners expressed alarm at his sudden, late night arrival at the rectory here last week and the recent visits to the church by out of state law enforcement officers, we can assure you that there is no connection between those two entirely separate events. The father simply caught a discount red-eye flight to save the diocese money, and the police officials were making routine inquiries pertaining to Bingo gambling in Catholic Churches throughout the country.
In addition to his administrative skills, the veteran cleric has also coached the boys basketball teams to a Catholic League championship in…well, in another place, and he looks forward to leading the Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels Crusaders when team sports are no longer prohibited by the state as a result of the pandemic.