The early December massacre of eleven of Santa’s elves in the North Pole by secular progressives has brought the War on Christmas to a new level of brutality unthinkable a year ago when arguments over Starbucks’ holiday cups set the tenor of the conflict.
Conservative Christians are outraged by the killing of the elves, who were cheerfully working in Santa’s workshop when they were mercilessly butchered by members of the Saturnalia Brigade, an extremist band of secular progressives. The group issued a communique stating that “elves are not innocent victims in this war. They are conscious, willing agents of the dominant Christian hegemony that force us to endure the heinous yuletide spirit every year with all its oppressive music, decorations, nauseating eggnog beverages, electronic lawn reindeer and Mannheim Steamroller concerts.”
The group also decried the “Black ops” allegedly carried out by “Santa’s Seals,” a special forces-like unit thought to be responsible for the assassinations of atheist authors, debauched Hollywood leftists and Marxist professors who sneer at traditional Christmas celebrations and greetings.
The violence is not likely to decline any time soon. Santa Claus, operating from a secured, underground, North Pole bunker since the massacre, issued a statement saying, “We will never give in to terrorists. We are going to do whatever it takes to annihilate these savages. If that means bringing back waterboarding, we’ll do it, and a hell of a lot worse, believe me. We’ll take out their families if we have to. They will never stop me in my mission to deliver toys to all the children of the world.”