In a bid to support their president’s tough immigration policies, hundreds of thousands of white Trump supporters around the country are taking backbreaking, low-paying agricultural jobs usually done by immigrants. The surprise movement, which emerged suddenly out of nowhere, has been dubbed the “Caucasian Campesinos” by the media.
One of these hardy Trump supporters, Stephanie Briggs, a blond, blue-eyed strawberry picker in Watsonville, California, said she felt she needed to do more to support the president’s policies. “You know, like everybody else, I was sharing the anti-Mexican memes on Facebook and screaming ‘Build the Wall’ at Trump rallies. But then I realized that the problem cannot be solved by the government building the wall alone. Real American patriots like me have to step up and do the grueling, dirty, thankless jobs they say we won’t do and do them with a smile.”
After Briggs’ supervisor shouted at her to get back to work, she stepped back into the field. “Gotta get back to work,” she said with a chipper grin. “But you know, the long hours of stooping and picking in the baking sun with few bathroom breaks, low pay, and primitive living conditions is a small price to pay for preserving America for real Americans.”
Farm owners and agricultural corporations have been stunned at the sudden willingness of the “Caucasian Campesinos” to endure the harsh working conditions usually reserved for immigrants. Previous attempts to lure American citizens into agricultural work in the wake of tough immigration laws in Arizona, Alabama and Georgia failed spectacularly.
Alabama Tomato Farmer Barbara Franks is now turning enthusiastic white Trump supporters away from work, and the ones she has are harvesting her tomatoes at an unprecedented rate.
“I don’t know what happened,” she marveled. “Back in 2011, when Jerry Spencer tried to recruit American citizens for agricultural labor here, very few showed interest and almost none of them lasted more than a few days, and the ones that did picked a fraction of what the immigrants could pick. It’s a goddamned miracle.”