Washington, D.C. The Director of the Department of Conspiracies, Richard Trumball, publicly criticized Attorney General William Barr Friday for encroaching on his jurisdiction after Barr acknowledged that the Department of Justice had “created a process that Rudy Giuliani could give information and they would see if it’s verified.”
Trumball, the bedraggled former street preacher tapped by President Trump to lead the new department, said “Giuliani’s phantasmagoric fever dreams are clearly the province of the Department of Conspiracies,” in a brief press conference. “I mean, we’re talking about a guy who literally said ‘Truth isn’t truth,’ claimed he was ‘more of a Jew’ than a Holocaust survivor, blew off a Congressional subpoena, insisted on live television that Democrats were ‘literally trying to kill me,’ and has two former associates under criminal indictments. I knew a dozen guys like that when I was living on the streets in Columbus, and believe me, you don’t want to constrain them within the narrow parameters of the legal process.”
Trumball, who appeared pale, glassy-eyed and skittish, had earlier dismissed Giuliani as a dilettante who offered no theories about the Masons, the Muslim Brotherhood or the fluoride in our water systems, but now seems to think America’s Mayor is evolving into a competent if pedestrian conspiracy theorist.
“Rudy’s come a long way. Some of his Ukraine stuff shows promise. But his talent needs to be nurtured and the Justice Department is not the place. They’re supposed to be concerned about the impartial and independent administration of justice for the American people. And that is just a buzzkill for a conspiracy theorist.”
After a brief interruption in which he whirled around, peered suspiciously behind him and muttered incomprehensibly to himself, Trumball continued. “The great ones know that a good conspiracy theory is not about what’s out there but about what’s inside. If Rudy can plumb the depths of his inner darkness and then spring out like Jackson Pollock doing an action painting, I think you’ll see him reach his full potential. But the DOJ won’t help him get there.”