A recently unearthed transcript of the Inquisition’s Trial of Galileo in Rome in 1633 reveals that the astronomer’s charm offensive nearly got him off the hook. INQUISITOR: Galileo Galilei, you have been brought before this tribunal on very serious charges. They include– GALILEO: This isn’t about that, uh, little crack I made the other day, …
Author Archives: bburman36
Jerry Falwell Jr.’s Schedule Freed Up to Speak at Republican Convention
Jerry Falwell Jr.’s sudden resignation from the presidency of Liberty University Monday has freed up his schedule so that he will now be able to speak to the Republican Convention on the topic of Christian values. “I just felt that speaking to the president’s supporters, who I know take their core Christian beliefs as seriously …
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Did Henry VIII Really Invent Miniature Golf?
A recently discovered transcript of a conversation between King Henry VIII, his chief minister Thomas Cromwell and Queen Anne Boleyn, confirms that the paunchy potentate did indeed invent miniature golf. Henry VIII’s office in the Palace of Whitehall, 1535. HENRY is standing over his desk, feverishly studying some plans. After a moment his minister THOMAS …
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Radical Left Forced LaPierre to Vacation in Bahamas 8 Times on NRA’s Dime
Wayne LaPierre, the embattled chief executive of the National Rifle Association, is locked and loaded and blasting away at his far left persecutors. Facing a lawsuit by the state of New York that accuses him and other top NRA officials of siphoning 64 million dollars from the non-profit in three years, LaPierre is placing the …
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My Nearly Golden Years in Hollywood
If you ever ran into me on Hollywood Boulevard in my John the Baptist outfit, brandishing a fifth of Christian Brothers Brandy, howling at you to repent and squirting holy water at you with a plastic squirt gun, you probably wouldn’t suspect that I once worked with some of the greatest directors in Hollywood. D.W. …
Franz Kafka and the Inferno of Love
It hit me late one night when I was in the bookstore after my girlfriend had locked me out of the house. Suffering through the most devastating case of writer’s block I had ever had, I had somewhat rashly destroyed a little furniture. Then at Stacey’s insistence, I went down to retrieve the remnants of …
Trump Delays Police State Until Delayed Election
The reviews are in for President Trump’s reenactment of Terry Gilliam’s movie Brazil in the streets of Portland and so far they are less than stellar. According to local officials and pretty much everybody else, the heavily armed, federal shock troops deployed to the City of Roses exacerbated the situation by attracting larger crowds to …
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New Priest at Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels Adjusting Well After Abrupt Transfer From St.–Well, From Another Diocese
Some parishioners may have noticed a fresh face among the clergy here at Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels. A highly experienced priest who has worked in some sixteen different dioceses in his long and varied career, he brings a sharply honed administrative expertise that Bishop Hagan hopes will streamline church policies and finances. As …
FEMA Stores Coronavirus Hoax Corpses as Texas, Arizona Morgues Overflow
Texas and Arizona have run out of space to store the bodies of victims of the Cornonavirus Hoax. But don’t worry if you live in the Lone Star or Grand Canyon states. You don’t have to wear an uncomfortable mask or practice social distancing because Uncle Sam’s got the freedom-loving Sun Belt states’ backs. FEMA …
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Reprieve from Obnoxious American Tourists, COVID-19 Has Europe Living La Dolce Vita
Europe’s declining rates of new COVID-19 infections, paired with the macabre fiasco unfolding in the United States, has had an unexpected side benefit for Europeans: the absence of brash, tubby, monolingual, “I’m with Stupid” t-shirt-wearing American tourists. The European Union’s travel ban on the United States, which leads the world by far in the number …