Antifa Battle Cruiser Spotted in Skies Over Rural Idaho

An Antifa Battle Cruiser was sighted over rural Idaho Thursday night according to a Facebook post by a group known as “The Paunchy Patriots.” The group, which is devoted to protecting the Second Amendment rights of Americans and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, claims in the post that it “has received credible intel that the cruiser was intent on sending a shuttle craft loaded with black-clad, stringy-haired Portland and Seattle Antifa fighters to spread chaos, destruction and craft beer to rural Idaho.”

Heavily armed members of the Paunchy Patriots were patrolling the streets of Coeur d’ Alene, a resort town of 50,000 in Northwest Idaho, again Friday morning. The group had hit the streets earlier this week along with other armed groups because of a previous Facebook post about a “plane load of people” arriving from Seattle that turned out to be false.

Asked about the earlier bogus report and the pointless action taken by his band before, Darren Rafferty, a captain of the Paunchy Patriots, insisted that “the pukes saw we were out here packing heat, and they turned around and got back on a plane for Seattle. Now they’re back with the Battle Cruiser so we deployed again.”

Challenged about the quality of the “intel” he has about a loosely affiliated group devoted to anti-fascism that appears to have no leadership, organizational structure or financial backing menacing rural Idaho with an immense, advanced spacecraft that heretofore has only existed in science fiction shows and films, Rafferty replied “That’s just what Antifa wants you to think.”

Conservatives Offer to Acknowledge Climate Change and Evolution if They Can Still Deny White Privilege

Stephen Albright, who enjoys jogging and not being murdered, proposed the deal.

Under pressure to acknowledge the glaringly obvious reality of white privilege illustrated by recent events, conservatives have instead offered to recognize the veracity of climate change and evolution if Black Lives Matters activists and progressives promise never to bring up the concept of white privilege again.

The extraordinary offer was made after a ludicrous comment by white privilege denier Rush Limbaugh spotlighted the untenable nature of his position and resulted in widespread ridicule on social media. During a radio discussion of white privilege with Breakfast Club co-host “Charlamagne the God,” Limbaugh denied its existence and lamented that he had been “mistreated” his whole life.

“I have been fired nine times in my career,” the right wing radio titan complained, neglecting to explain how that fact was related in any way to the topic under discussion. When asked by Charlamagne the God if he had ever been “thrown out of your car because you were driving a nice car?” Limbaugh replied that “I’ve had my cars keyed. I’ve had my tires blown. Of course.”

The idiocy of Limbaugh’s reply embarrassed even hardcore conservatives who realized that the rest of the country may be at a tipping point of recognizing the reality of white privilege because of recent events. However, most conservatives were reluctant to let go of the fantasy that they had never had an unearned advantage by virtue of the fact of being white.

Stephen Albright, a conservative Southern California congressman who offered the deal to Black Lives Matters activists and progressives, admitted that acknowledging climate change and evolution was hard, but said that conceding white privilege would be far worse.

“Listen, I’ve worked very hard for everything I’ve got, and nobody’s gonna tell me my achievements were made easier just because me and my ancestors didn’t suffer from centuries of alleged institutionalized racial discrimination in employment, housing, medical treatment, public accommodations, voting rights and the criminal justice system. We’re giving them climate change and evolution, okay? I don’t want to hear another word about ‘white privilege’ going forward!”

Black Lives Matters activists and progressives have yet to respond.

Tyrant George Washington Trampled Colonists’ Rights With Quarantine in 1775

It is a little known fact today that George Washington overreached his authority and unilaterally ordered a quarantine of American citizens fleeing the British occupation of Boston and an outbreak of smallpox in the city in 1775.

The tyrannical general, who had recently arrived in Cambridge to take command of the new Continental Army in the aftermath of the battles of Lexington, Concord and Bunker Hill, ruthlessly crushed the potential smallpox carriers’ freedom to spread the contagion to his army camp on the unfounded theory that large groups of people moving from a virus stricken area into other areas can spread that virus.

The liberal fascist ignored critics who suggested letting the virus spread naturally and creating herd immunity and imposed the heavy hand of big government on the beleaguered Bostonians. Later, the despotic “Father of the Country” ordered his troops to be inoculated against the virus in a clear concession to politically correct medical science rather than allowing the free market and individual liberty work their magic the way they always do in times of crisis.

Washington bumbled his way to success in the Revolutionary War, but he had created the template for today’s thuggish socialist governors, who, with the stroke of a pen, shut down the mighty engine of American free enterprise and stifle that most basic of American freedoms: the right to share deadly microbes and viruses.

“Holy Hydroxychloroquine” Offered to the Faithful in Case God Fails to Protect Them During Services

Many churches are offering “Holy Hydroxychloroquine” to lure wary parishioners back to in-person services after a string of outbreaks linked to recent large religious gatherings has diminished confidence in God’s ability to protect them from the deadly Cononavirus.

Both Protestant and Catholic Churches are offering varying forms of the drug, which has the blessing of President Trump, during their in-person services. Pastor Brent Fallon of the Holy Fellowship of the Lacerated Redeemer in Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas, said his church had received a promotional supply of the drug courtesy of the Trump organization, and would be offering hydroxychloriquine tablets to worshipers as they enter the church on Sunday.

“You could say we’re hedging our bets a little,” Fallon remarked. “God is far more powerful than the Coronavirus, and he will NOT allow it to touch our beloved brethren in His Church…but, you know, if a little leaks in through the cracks, we’re providing the Holy Hydroxycholoroquine to cover us on the back end.”

Some Catholic Churches will be substituting a hydroxychloroquine beverage for the traditional communion wine. Father Michael Leydon of Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels in Minneapolis, Minnesota, said that while he was loath to tamper with the ancient sacrament, “something had to be done to restore confidence after that priest and those parishioners in Annandale and Maple Lake tested positive for COVID-19.”

Father Leydon also noted his eagerness to resume in-person services because “the offertory hymn doesn’t have the same impact on Zoom that it does when you’re passing the basket around in the church and everyone can see who’s coming across and who’s not.”

Obamagate Even Bigger Than Pizzagate

Who can forget the day that Edgar Maddison Welch single-handedly stormed the Washington, DC pizzeria Comet Ping Pong with his AR-15 and discovered Hillary Clinton and her Satanic, Deep State minions sexually abusing children in the basement?

Well, okay, Mr. Welch did not actually find any children being abused, and in fact, there was not even a basement, but that did not stop him from firing off three heroic rounds just to let any potential pedophiles know there were alert patriots patrolling the cesspool of the nation’s capital. And it certainly didn’t mean that there is no sinister ring of liberal pedophiles operating around the country under the iron fist of Hillary Clinton because there definitely is. And if you think that scandal is ominous, just wait until you hear about “Obamagate.”

If you thought you knew the depths of depravity of Barack Hussein Obama, think again. The former president, who, as President Trump has pointed out, was not born in the United States and was therefore unqualified to be president, who founded ISIS, tapped Trump’s phone at Trump Tower, left the national medical stockpile depleted and failed to develop a test for the Coronavirus before it existed, committed unspeakable crimes against the Trump administration before it even got into office.

How do we know this for a fact? Because President Trump has brilliantly elucidated these crimes. When asked to explain his tweet that “OBAMAGATE was the biggest political crime in American history” by Washington Post reporter Phillip Rucker, Trump shot back, “You know what the crime is, the crime is obvious to everybody, all you have to do is read the newspapers, except yours.”

Doubtless, that cogent explanation won’t be enough for Trump-haters, who will fall back on their favorite ruse of requesting evidence to support accusations. I would ask them a simple question though. Why would Trump’s former national security advisor have pleaded guilty twice to lying to the FBI if he had not been forced to do so by Barack Hussein Obama?

Department of Conspiracies Director Richard Trumball, who was appointed by Trump last October, says he has unearthed evidence that President Obama was a frequent and enthusiastic participant in the child abuse orgies that ceased just moments prior to Edgar Maddison Welch’s arrival at the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria. “I got a tip from the Internet last night,” the former street preacher said. “Obama called in the wiretap on Trump Tower from the zero gravity child abuse chamber in the basement at Comet Ping Pong. He was floating upside down, reading the Koran and abusing a pair of flaxen-haired twins freshly kidnapped off a heartland farm when he made the call. Dude is cold-blooded.”

I Said Goodbye to My Unelected, Elitist Doctor

Recently, as I have been following the national conversation about the Coronavirus, I came to a realization about my own doctor. He is an unelected elitist with an obsessive devotion to medical science, and therefore I can no longer permit him to be the steward of my health. Allowing one person to dictate to me what medications and medical procedures I need to take is undemocratic and quite frankly unpatriotic. I have decided that from now on, I will submit my health issues to a panel of my patriotic friends, and they will vote on what medications and procedures I shall take. Lest you think this an extreme measure, let me explain how I arrived at this important decision.

I was watching Tucker Carlson the other night, and he made an excellent point about the way policy on the Coronavirus was being made by our government. Alluding to the sudden prominence of Dr. Anthony Fauci, a scientist who has led the National Institute for Allergy and Infectious Diseases for almost four decades, Carlson pointed out that “This is not the result of any kind of democratic process at work at all. Yet in the last four months, Dr. Fauci has become one of the most powerful people in the world.”

Immediately I was struck by the similarities between Dr. Fauci and my own physician. After all, who had elected him to make life and death decisions about my health? Sure, I had chosen him in a sense but the only other options I had were other doctors who had also had years of rigorous training in medical schools and many more years of practical experience. There were certainly no political commentators like Tucker Carlson or former reality TV stars like President Trump available to me when I had to make the critical choice of who would be the guardian of my health.

As Tucker pointed out, Dr. Fauci had been wrong about some things on the Coronavirus early on. I realized that my doctor, just like Dr. Fauci, had been wrong sometimes too. For instance, he doesn’t always immediately figure out the correct treatment for whatever illness or condition I might get. Sometimes he has to prescribe more than one medication to discover which one works best for me. At times, he has even had to adjust the dosages.

Since doctors and scientists can be wrong just like anybody else, then why should we assume they know more than the rest of us who have not been to medical school or acquired a PhD in Epidemiology? What kind of democratic society gives precedence to highly trained people in their own fields? Wouldn’t that be something like letting generals take charge in a war or relying on pilots to fly planes?

So I told my doctor we were finished. He was stunned at first but he smirked when I told him about the panel of my smart, patriotic friends who will now vote in a very democratic fashion on whatever medical treatments I may need. I couldn’t resist one last dig. “Sorry you wasted all that time in medical school, Doc’, but my buddies are razor-sharp citizen-researchers who are really good at the Google.” He was devastated.

Summer Barbecue Season Threatened by Dying Meatpacking Workers

The summer barbecue season is looking bleaker every day as workers continue to sicken and die from the Coronavirus apparently contracted at meatpacking plants around the country, and their stubborn coworkers stay home or demand onerous safety regulations.

Fortunately, the Trump administration has ordered meatpacking workers back to work while promising liability protection for wealthy owners and making the CDC guidelines designed to protect workers’ health and safety entirely voluntary. These bold moves hopefully augur a bounty of tasty meats on your poolside patio table this summer, and if you wash it all down with enough craft beer or Chardonnay, the image of dead immigrant and low wage workers will fade quickly from your minds.

Still, some critics are carping about the dangers of reopening meatpacking plants when owners have absolutely no legal requirements to implement safety guidelines in the middle of pandemic in which meatpacking plants have experienced 10,000 confirmed cases of COVID-19 and at least 45 deaths.

Others have bemoaned the lack of testing for the virus in many meatpacking plants. Vice President Mike Pence addressed the outbreak at the JBS Plant in Greeley, Colorado on April 10th and promised federal help for testing for all the workers, but the help never came. The company started testing its managers, but abruptly stopped, never revealed the results and reopened anyway. Since the outbreak, 7 of its workers have died from COVID-19 and 280 have tested positive.

But Republicans have identified the real problem spreading death and misery among meatpacking workers: the squalid living conditions of swarthy immigrant workers. In South Dakota where an outbreak at the Smithfield Meatpacking Plant in Sioux Falls infected a thousand employees and people who came into contact with them, Governor Kristi Noem claimed that “99 percent of what’s going on today wasn’t happening inside the facility” and that the virus spread “more at home, where these employees were going home and spreading some of the virus because a lot of these people who work in the plant live in the community, the same building, sometimes in the same apartment.”

So immigrants are the infernal source of the plague and if they bring the virus from their filthy hovels into the immaculate and very safe meatpacking plants, they owe it to us to work to their very last breath and then step away from the assembly line at the moment they perish. These expendable–I mean essential workers must honor their duty to keep our tables laden with burgers, steaks and chickens. Stock up on your coals and lighter fluid and have a great summer.

Michigan Lockdown Protesters Grounded After Whitmer Calls Their Parents

Lane Tebbetts is informed by his mother that he is grounded until further notice.

Lansing, Michigan. The sputtering, red-faced, gun-toting white men storming the Capitol Thursday were an intimidating sight, screaming into the faces of policemen without wearing masks and shouting “Lock her up” as they protested the shelter-in-place order Governor Gretchen Whitmer has issued at the suggestion of virtually every credible medical expert on the planet.

But now the paunchy freedom fighters have been confined to their homes by a higher authority: their parents. The wily governor dispatched trusted aids into the raging throng of frustrated, overweight white men dressed up like dancers for a Las Vegas show about school shooters. The aids were equipped with retinal scanners that quickly siphoned key information from the eyes of the protesters, including their home phone numbers.

Whitmer’s staff spent Friday morning calling the homes of the protesters, and as expected, the vast majority of them still lived with their parents. When informed of the childish, pathetic antics of their offspring at the protest, the parents were uniformly ashamed and promised to keep their would-be revolutionaries at home for the duration of the governor’s stay-at-home order.

Candace Tebbetts, whose son Lane attended the protest, said she had laid down the law and confined her son to his room until further notice. “Lane’s not a bad kid, you understand. He just doesn’t have much going on right now. He does drywall and construction is halted so…He has his guns and his body armor, his computer games and his friends…well, they’re online friends, you know, not people he really sees. They post all kinds of crazy stuff on the Internet. But when I saw those jackasses on the news dressed up like SWAT team rodeo clowns and carrying on the way they did, I told him ‘Not while you’re living under my roof!'”

Trump’s Pineapple Disinfectant Spritzer Kills Coronavirus and Gives You Six Pack Abs

No needles! No hospitals! No nurses whining about the lack of PPE! Now you can overcome the dreaded effects of the Coronavirus by simply sipping a delightful summer beverage created by the brilliant mixologists and scientists of the Trump organization.

President Trump recently ruffled the feathers of stuffy, Deep State scientists and medical professionals by wondering aloud if injecting disinfectants directly into the lungs of Corinavirus vicitms might not have a beneficial effect on their conditions. Ridiculed by the media elites, Trump nonetheless doubled down and ordered his son-in-law and senior advisor Jared Kushner to spearhead the drive to bring disinfectants into the treatment phase of the fight against COVID-19.

Kushner, whose success in bringing peace to the Middle East and solving the opioid epidemic in America bodes well for his newest venture, immediately tapped some of his old college buddies and the brainstorming was intense. Was the president’s idea of injecting disinfectants really necessary? Was there a more pleasant way of introducing the disinfectant into the patient’s body?

Employing some of the finest mixologists and scientists who nearly earned undergraduate degrees, Kush’ and the Trump organization came up with the Pineapple Disinfectant Spritzer, a libation as delectable to you as it is devastating to the virus. Just sit back and savor its tropical splendor three times a day for two weeks and all the spiky Coronavirus surface proteins in your lungs will be killed and flushed out of your system like hoodlums in the movie Death Wish.

You can order the two week treatment system online and if you do so before midnight tonight, you will receive a free MAGA cap. Did we mention that the Pineapple Disinfectant Spritzer also will give you six pack abs with no exercise?

Trump to Send “Victory Ventilators” to States Where Patriotic Pestilence Purveyors Protest

Washington D.C. President Trump is planning to send what he is now calling “Victory Ventilators” to states where people are protesting against shelter-in-place orders encouraged by his own administration’s guidelines.

“These patriots are putting themselves at great risk of catching the virus in order to protest the totally unnecessary orders designed to protect them from catching it by their overreaching governors,” the President said in an announcement made in the Rose Garden Tuesday. “Remember, the disease cannot be worse than the cure–or wait, I mean the opposite, I think. The cure cannot be worse than the, uh…well, just watch Fox.”

Critics quickly pounced on the president for providing scarce medical equipment to states where people are deliberately endangering themselves, their families, and everyone around them by exposing themselves to crowds which are largely ignoring social distancing protocols, but the president was unmoved.

“We’re calling them ‘victory ventilators.’ They’re beautiful machines that help you breathe,” the president crowed. “A lot of people don’t know that. Help you breathe. Mechanical. We’re putting V for victory stickers on them–that was Mike’s idea. Mike Pence is doing a tremendous job. And these brave protesters deserve that, you know, to breathe. Very brave. They’ve earned these beautiful machines, so we’re giving them to them so they can breathe.”