Sun Belt Governors Turn to Tyranny After COVID-19 Freedom Spikes

Governor DeSantis before he kissed the signet ring of the Deep State

Governors in three Sun Belt states who previously had fought bravely against the tyranny of government anti-Coronavirus measures have suddenly and inexplicably caved into political correctness and imposed the heavy hand of the state on their freedom-loving peoples.

Using the pretense of record-breaking daily Coronavirus infection rates in their respective states, Republican governors Greg Abbott of Texas, Ron DeSantis of Florida, and Doug Ducey of Arizona have all reversed their reopenings and ruthlessly crushed their citizens’ freedom to exchange microbes in bars, restaurants, tattoo parlors, gyms and hair salons.

The leap in daily infection rates, which began about two weeks after the three states began reopening and is coincidentally the rough incubation period for COVID-19, in fact has nothing to do with the reopening, according to DeSantis. The Florida Governor, who boasted that “We’ve succeeded” on May 20th but whose state racked up 8,942 new cases on Friday, June 26th, blamed the rise in new infections on young people who flocked to beaches that he refused to close before his abrupt metamorphosis into Chairman Mao.

The governors’ baffling shift to Stalinism is difficult to reconcile with their previous commitment to individual liberty. Both Abbott and Ducey, who had earlier forbidden local officials from mandating mask usage in their states, have now given them the green light to snuff out their citizens’ barefaced freedom. Arizona Governor Ducey, whose state faces more per capita cases than were recorded by any country in Europe during the pandemic and is rapidly running out of hospital beds, appeared at a press conference on Thursday wearing a face mask, signaling his capitulation to the Deep State.

Disturbed QAnon Puppeteer to Join Trump Administration

Washington, DC. QAnon Puppeteer Nancy Hagen-Bartlett was named Deputy Director to the Department of Conspiracies on Friday by Director Richard Trumball. Hagen-Bartlett initially came to the attention of Trump officials with her puppet show “The Storm,” which reveals the conspiracy perpetrated against President Trump by an international ring of Satan-worshipping pedophiles who run the Deep State, Hollywood, the Democratic Party, academia and the 4-H Club.

Hagen-Bartlett was invited to be an opening act at a couple Trump rallies and Department of Conspiracies Director Richard Trumball was “blown away” by her performance. “You know, initially, I wasn’t impressed with the QAnon people,” Trumball told reporters after the press conference announcing her appointment.

“I mean, a good conspiracy theory at least has to be plausible..and that whole convoluted scheme with Robert Mueller pretending to investigate Trump while actually working in tandem with him against the pedophiles just didn’t add up. But when I saw Nancy up there with Roger and Greta, the brave little sex abuse survivors, I knew I had my Deputy Director.”

A quick background check on Hagen-Bartlett revealed a vast digital trail of racist comments and deranged theories ranging from the Birther conspiracy to Michelle Obama being a transgender woman to George Soros attempting to infiltrate terrorists into the United States with caravans of immigrants from Mexico. She was a perfect fit.

“Nancy will be joining me in uncovering the George Soros connection to the Chinese development of the Coronavirus in a lab in Wuhan,” Trumball said. When asked why the Department of Conspiracies had failed to reveal any genuine conspiracies since its creation in October of last year, Trumball replied, “The best conspiracies are very elusive. We don’t go after the easy ones.”

Trump: “Very Fine People on Both Sides of Tulsa Massacre”

Tulsa, Oklahoma. At his first campaign rally since the COVID-19 shutdown Saturday night in Tulsa, President Trump took credit for educating the country about historical facts he claims it didn’t know.

“Most people didn’t know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. I taught them that. Most people didn’t know that Frederick Douglas was somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more. Or that healthcare was complicated.”

As his supporters started chanting “We didn’t know, we didn’t know,” he continued. “I also made Juneteenth famous. Nobody had ever heard of it before I planned my rally here on its anniversary. But I changed the date to today out of respect for my African-American supporters. Both of them were very pleased I changed the date.”

The president then turned to the subject of the Tulsa race massacre, the 1921 pogrom against the prosperous African-American Greenwood district of Tulsa perpetrated by white residents and law enforcement officers. The massacre, which just had its 99th anniversary this June 1st, resulted in the slaughter of as many as 300 African-Americans and the destruction of 35 square blocks of the district.

“Nobody knew about the Tulsa Race Massacre either. I made that famous. Nobody knew. And by the way, ‘massacre’ is a little bit strong. That’s fake news. There were black guys with guns, okay? I heard there were very fine people on both sides.”

New Conservative History Museum Shows that Slavery was “Just a Passing Phase”

Charleston, South Carolina. A new conservative American History museum is slated to open in Charleston this month that will illustrate that “slavery was just a passing phase the young republic experienced,” according to Museum Director Cody Ralston. “I went through a Goth phase when I was in high school,” Ralston noted at a press conference Wednesday in the museum’s Entrepreneur’s Hall. “Do I have to be known as Cody the Goth for the rest of my life?”

The “We Built It” American History Museum “will push back on the radical, revisionist narrative that slavery was somehow central to the founding of the United States,” Ralston said.

“We don’t mean to downplay slavery in American History, but slavery ran out into the middle of the road suddenly on a dark and rainy night, and the Founding Fathers, who were barreling along in the souped-up 1957 Chevy of American Exceptionalism, swerved to avoid it, but ran right into it. Slavery was wearing a tight dress and stiletto heels and hanging out in a back alley, and the Founders stepped out of a bar after a few too many drinks. It was unfortunate.”

Ralston argues that “radical revisionist historians have cherry-picked a few random facts” to support their claim that slavery was central to the founding of the country. “For instance, they make a big deal of the fact that the country’s early economic prosperity was largely created by slave-cultivated cotton, sugar, tobacco, rice and indigo, and that this benefited the entire white population at the expense of African-Americans.”

Ralston, who says he dropped out of college because he was “verbally abused by Marxist professors,” is proud that the foundation for the “We Built It” History Museum is not the work of “entrenched academics” but rather fresh research by “citizen historians inspired by the astute historical observations of President Trump.”

“When the President said ‘Most people don’t know that Lincoln was a Republican,’ he inspired people who were absolutely ignorant of American history to take a fresh look at slavery. They discovered some amazing things, such as the fact that most slaver-holders were Democrats. And when people who are unburdened by any previous knowledge of history take a fact like that and divorce it from any sort of historical context, well, you have a whole new ballgame.”

Geriatric Antifa Commandos Storm White House

Antifa Antique commandos prepare to assault the White House

Washington DC. A squad of elite geriatric Antifa commandos masquerading as Black Lives Matters protesters surged past barriers and stormed the White House Friday morning, easily routing secret service agents and police officers as they flooded into the building. According to one reporter, President Trump was caught as he was fleeing to his basement bunker by 86 year old commando Florence Wilmot, who made a sensational, highlight film quality flying tackle of the Commander-in-Chief.

The commandos, some of whom wore “Avenge Martin Gugino” t-shirts, are part of an elite tactical squad named “Antifa Antique,” which is trained for urban combat. Some members of the unit, including Wilmot, were incensed at the treatment of their comrade Martin Gugino, an Antifa Provocateur who, as President Trump pointed out, “fell harder than was pushed” but nonetheless managed to injure himself when his head hit the concrete after successfully inducing the police to push him.

As of Friday afternoon, Antifa Antique is still occupying the White House and holding President Trump hostage as law enforcement have cordoned off the area. In a communique sent to the media, the group warned that if police departments around the country are not immediately abolished and Martin Gugino’s attackers jailed, they will force President Trump to read both the Constitution and the Bible.

Antifa Battle Cruiser Spotted in Skies Over Rural Idaho

An Antifa Battle Cruiser was sighted over rural Idaho Thursday night according to a Facebook post by a group known as “The Paunchy Patriots.” The group, which is devoted to protecting the Second Amendment rights of Americans and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, claims in the post that it “has received credible intel that the cruiser was intent on sending a shuttle craft loaded with black-clad, stringy-haired Portland and Seattle Antifa fighters to spread chaos, destruction and craft beer to rural Idaho.”

Heavily armed members of the Paunchy Patriots were patrolling the streets of Coeur d’ Alene, a resort town of 50,000 in Northwest Idaho, again Friday morning. The group had hit the streets earlier this week along with other armed groups because of a previous Facebook post about a “plane load of people” arriving from Seattle that turned out to be false.

Asked about the earlier bogus report and the pointless action taken by his band before, Darren Rafferty, a captain of the Paunchy Patriots, insisted that “the pukes saw we were out here packing heat, and they turned around and got back on a plane for Seattle. Now they’re back with the Battle Cruiser so we deployed again.”

Challenged about the quality of the “intel” he has about a loosely affiliated group devoted to anti-fascism that appears to have no leadership, organizational structure or financial backing menacing rural Idaho with an immense, advanced spacecraft that heretofore has only existed in science fiction shows and films, Rafferty replied “That’s just what Antifa wants you to think.”

Conservatives Offer to Acknowledge Climate Change and Evolution if They Can Still Deny White Privilege

Stephen Albright, who enjoys jogging and not being murdered, proposed the deal.

Under pressure to acknowledge the glaringly obvious reality of white privilege illustrated by recent events, conservatives have instead offered to recognize the veracity of climate change and evolution if Black Lives Matters activists and progressives promise never to bring up the concept of white privilege again.

The extraordinary offer was made after a ludicrous comment by white privilege denier Rush Limbaugh spotlighted the untenable nature of his position and resulted in widespread ridicule on social media. During a radio discussion of white privilege with Breakfast Club co-host “Charlamagne the God,” Limbaugh denied its existence and lamented that he had been “mistreated” his whole life.

“I have been fired nine times in my career,” the right wing radio titan complained, neglecting to explain how that fact was related in any way to the topic under discussion. When asked by Charlamagne the God if he had ever been “thrown out of your car because you were driving a nice car?” Limbaugh replied that “I’ve had my cars keyed. I’ve had my tires blown. Of course.”

The idiocy of Limbaugh’s reply embarrassed even hardcore conservatives who realized that the rest of the country may be at a tipping point of recognizing the reality of white privilege because of recent events. However, most conservatives were reluctant to let go of the fantasy that they had never had an unearned advantage by virtue of the fact of being white.

Stephen Albright, a conservative Southern California congressman who offered the deal to Black Lives Matters activists and progressives, admitted that acknowledging climate change and evolution was hard, but said that conceding white privilege would be far worse.

“Listen, I’ve worked very hard for everything I’ve got, and nobody’s gonna tell me my achievements were made easier just because me and my ancestors didn’t suffer from centuries of alleged institutionalized racial discrimination in employment, housing, medical treatment, public accommodations, voting rights and the criminal justice system. We’re giving them climate change and evolution, okay? I don’t want to hear another word about ‘white privilege’ going forward!”

Black Lives Matters activists and progressives have yet to respond.

Tyrant George Washington Trampled Colonists’ Rights With Quarantine in 1775

It is a little known fact today that George Washington overreached his authority and unilaterally ordered a quarantine of American citizens fleeing the British occupation of Boston and an outbreak of smallpox in the city in 1775.

The tyrannical general, who had recently arrived in Cambridge to take command of the new Continental Army in the aftermath of the battles of Lexington, Concord and Bunker Hill, ruthlessly crushed the potential smallpox carriers’ freedom to spread the contagion to his army camp on the unfounded theory that large groups of people moving from a virus stricken area into other areas can spread that virus.

The liberal fascist ignored critics who suggested letting the virus spread naturally and creating herd immunity and imposed the heavy hand of big government on the beleaguered Bostonians. Later, the despotic “Father of the Country” ordered his troops to be inoculated against the virus in a clear concession to politically correct medical science rather than allowing the free market and individual liberty work their magic the way they always do in times of crisis.

Washington bumbled his way to success in the Revolutionary War, but he had created the template for today’s thuggish socialist governors, who, with the stroke of a pen, shut down the mighty engine of American free enterprise and stifle that most basic of American freedoms: the right to share deadly microbes and viruses.

“Holy Hydroxychloroquine” Offered to the Faithful in Case God Fails to Protect Them During Services

Many churches are offering “Holy Hydroxychloroquine” to lure wary parishioners back to in-person services after a string of outbreaks linked to recent large religious gatherings has diminished confidence in God’s ability to protect them from the deadly Cononavirus.

Both Protestant and Catholic Churches are offering varying forms of the drug, which has the blessing of President Trump, during their in-person services. Pastor Brent Fallon of the Holy Fellowship of the Lacerated Redeemer in Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas, said his church had received a promotional supply of the drug courtesy of the Trump organization, and would be offering hydroxychloriquine tablets to worshipers as they enter the church on Sunday.

“You could say we’re hedging our bets a little,” Fallon remarked. “God is far more powerful than the Coronavirus, and he will NOT allow it to touch our beloved brethren in His Church…but, you know, if a little leaks in through the cracks, we’re providing the Holy Hydroxycholoroquine to cover us on the back end.”

Some Catholic Churches will be substituting a hydroxychloroquine beverage for the traditional communion wine. Father Michael Leydon of Our Lady of the Irritable Bowels in Minneapolis, Minnesota, said that while he was loath to tamper with the ancient sacrament, “something had to be done to restore confidence after that priest and those parishioners in Annandale and Maple Lake tested positive for COVID-19.”

Father Leydon also noted his eagerness to resume in-person services because “the offertory hymn doesn’t have the same impact on Zoom that it does when you’re passing the basket around in the church and everyone can see who’s coming across and who’s not.”

Obamagate Even Bigger Than Pizzagate

Who can forget the day that Edgar Maddison Welch single-handedly stormed the Washington, DC pizzeria Comet Ping Pong with his AR-15 and discovered Hillary Clinton and her Satanic, Deep State minions sexually abusing children in the basement?

Well, okay, Mr. Welch did not actually find any children being abused, and in fact, there was not even a basement, but that did not stop him from firing off three heroic rounds just to let any potential pedophiles know there were alert patriots patrolling the cesspool of the nation’s capital. And it certainly didn’t mean that there is no sinister ring of liberal pedophiles operating around the country under the iron fist of Hillary Clinton because there definitely is. And if you think that scandal is ominous, just wait until you hear about “Obamagate.”

If you thought you knew the depths of depravity of Barack Hussein Obama, think again. The former president, who, as President Trump has pointed out, was not born in the United States and was therefore unqualified to be president, who founded ISIS, tapped Trump’s phone at Trump Tower, left the national medical stockpile depleted and failed to develop a test for the Coronavirus before it existed, committed unspeakable crimes against the Trump administration before it even got into office.

How do we know this for a fact? Because President Trump has brilliantly elucidated these crimes. When asked to explain his tweet that “OBAMAGATE was the biggest political crime in American history” by Washington Post reporter Phillip Rucker, Trump shot back, “You know what the crime is, the crime is obvious to everybody, all you have to do is read the newspapers, except yours.”

Doubtless, that cogent explanation won’t be enough for Trump-haters, who will fall back on their favorite ruse of requesting evidence to support accusations. I would ask them a simple question though. Why would Trump’s former national security advisor have pleaded guilty twice to lying to the FBI if he had not been forced to do so by Barack Hussein Obama?

Department of Conspiracies Director Richard Trumball, who was appointed by Trump last October, says he has unearthed evidence that President Obama was a frequent and enthusiastic participant in the child abuse orgies that ceased just moments prior to Edgar Maddison Welch’s arrival at the Comet Ping Pong pizzeria. “I got a tip from the Internet last night,” the former street preacher said. “Obama called in the wiretap on Trump Tower from the zero gravity child abuse chamber in the basement at Comet Ping Pong. He was floating upside down, reading the Koran and abusing a pair of flaxen-haired twins freshly kidnapped off a heartland farm when he made the call. Dude is cold-blooded.”