Mormons Trade Scully and Tupuola to Jehovah’s Witnesses for Marshall and 2nd Round Pick

In a blockbuster trade that rocked the World Religious League, the Mormon Church traded Elders Pat Scully and Mike Tupuola to the Jehovah’s Witnesses for Tyler Marshall and a second round draft pick.

Scully, last year’s MVP, has struggled this year during his mission in Liechenstein, scoring only three converts in the past six months. Some analysts claim that he had trouble adjusting to the new scheme installed by Mission President Lawrence Daly while several teammates have complained that his success last year had created too many distractions and made him lose some of his focus.

In return the Mormons acquired Tyler Marshall, a solid door-to-door proselytizer who led his congregation in converts the last three years. While Marshall has not lived up to the high expectations the Witnesses had for him, he has remained a reliable go-to guy known for keeping his head down and putting in the necessary work to make him consistently effective in tough neighborhoods previously resistant to the Witnesses’ message.

The Witnesses wasted no time in putting Scully into action, and he was on the street in Los Angeles with copies of Awake and Watchtower yesterday morning. “They run some of the same schemes that we did in Liechenstein,” Scully told reporters. “Going door to door is nothing new for me. But waiting in the train station with the little book cart takes patience.”

Scully admitted the changes in theology can be challenging as well. “I only had a day to study the Witnesses’ playbook. It’s confusing because Mormons believe that God’s true name is Elohim. But it’s actually Jehovah. And Mormons believe that Jesus Christ is Jehovah but Jesus Christ is actually Michael the Archangel but the Mormons think Adam is Michael the Archangel.”

The trade was the biggest in the WRL since star Rabbi David Berman was traded to the Catholics for Father Ryan Nowak in 2018.

Republicans’ Overnight Epiphanies Bring Surprise Conviction of President Trump

Washington, D.C. In a shocking development nobody had anticipated, every Republican Senator joined their Democratic colleagues in voting to convict and remove President Trump from office. Many of the senators, who indicated previously that they would vote for acquittal, said they had experienced an overnight epiphany in which they suddenly recognized President Trump as an existential threat to the republic and had to be removed from office.

Senator Susan Collins of Maine, who only yesterday insisted in an interview that President Trump “would learn from this case,” said after her vote for conviction that she had no idea what she was thinking when she said that. “President Trump is literally the most obtuse human being I have ever known, and the notion that impeachment would somehow chastise him while he was still insisting his phone call with Ukrainian President Zelensky was ‘perfect’ and making threatening statements about Adam Schiff reflects a breathtaking blindness or stupidity on my part that would be more appropriate for a cult follower than a U.S. Senator. And the idea that judgement of the President’s conduct should be left up to the voters after the Russian interference of the 2016 election and Trump’s clear attempt to corrupt the 2020 election is beyond ludicrous.”

Senator Marco Rubio of Florida, who last week claimed that “Just because actions meet a standard of impeachment does not mean that it is in the best interest of the country to remove the president from office,” repudiated that statement after his vote for conviction. “Obviously what I said earlier was piffle designed for cognitively-challenged Trump supporters. I guess I was just trying to maintain my viability for 2024 and not wanting to enrage the base. But last night, I looked myself in the mirror and I saw a man bereft of integrity, honor, and loyalty to his country and the Constitution. That will never happen again.”

Smut-pushing Librarians Bagged in Missouri Parental Library Review Board Raids

Dozens of librarians were apprehended in a series of lightning dawn raids around the “Show Me” state for violating the recently passed Parental Oversight of Public Libraries Act. The act forbids library employees from providing access to minors of books “deemed to be age-inappropriate sexual material” by five member panels elected by local communities. Although the review boards are not law enforcement agencies, they worked with local police in staging the raids. The librarians face a fine of up to $500 or a year in jail.

Judith Ralls, a member of one panel, claimed that her group had taken down one of the worst offenders, a local librarian who had made a graphic novel about an adolescent girl struggling with her attraction to other girls available to teens in her library. “If these kids read these books and start to realize that there are other kids out there dealing with the same issues, they’re less likely to experience the numbing shame and isolation that can be so fruitful in reducing them to a state of dispirited submission to the social and religious norms approved of by our panels.”

While some critics of the new law argue that it allows a small group of parents to impose their own values on the community and that the library already offers an extraordinary variety of perspectives in its collection, including those of the conservative Christians who promoted and passed the law, members of the boards feel certain that they know precisely what type of materials are appropriate for all the teens of their communities regardless of their varied backgrounds and that their judgement deserves special consideration.

“If this wasn’t the right thing to do, why would Jesus Christ have told me to do it?” Ralls asked.

The Facebook Conversion: One Insult Can Change a Life Forever

A coffee shop. Walt, a professionally dressed man in his thirties sits at a table, drinking coffee and reviewing something on his laptop. SAMANTHA, also in her thirties and professionally dressed, enters with a coffee and her laptop and takes a seat at an adjoining table. WALT glances over at her, then resumes his work. He looks back at her as she opens up her laptop and appears to recognize her.

WALT: You’re Samantha, aren’t you?

SAMANTHA: What?

WALT: You’re Samantha.

SAMANTHA: Well, yeah, I–

WALT: You don’t remember me, do you?

SAMANTHA: No, I’m afraid I–

WALT: I’m a friend of Karen Lyndhurst.

SAMANTHA: Oh, yeah, Karen…I’m sorry, have we met?

WALT: Kind of…well, we had that political argument about abortion on Facebook.

SAMANTHA: Did we?

WALT: Yeah, you called me a “troglodyte, fundamentalist fascist.”

SAMANTHA: Did I? Well, I’m sure I was–

WALT: But you know what? Your scathing insult really opened my mind and made me rethink my whole position. I read a bunch of lengthy, well-researched articles on abortion, and now I’m one-hundred percent pro-choice.

SAMANTHA: You’re…you’re pulling my leg, aren’t you?

WALT: No, absolutely not. I mean, we conservatives are all about personal liberty and yet we want to use the power of the federal government to intervene in the most personal of all choices. (offers his hand) Thank you for elucidating this complex issue for me.

SAMANTHA (shaking his hand) Wow…I never converted anybody on Facebook before.

WALT: You were absolutely brilliant, Samantha.

SAMANTHA: It’s funny, I don’t even remember the argument.

WALT: Well, it started about gun control and then we veered into abortion.

SAMANTHA: Oh, you’re the guy!

WALT: You remember now?

SAMANTHA: Yeah, you called me a “dirty, gun-grabbing femi-Nazi.”

WALT: Did I?

SAMANTHA: But you know what? Your disparaging rant prompted me to explore a whole new approach to gun control. I did some research of my own, and I got to thinking. You know, we liberals distrust the government about everything and yet we are willing to grant it a monopoly on armed coercion. Well, not me anymore. My friends call me “Number 2” now because of my passionate support for the Second Amendment, and it’s all thanks to you…uh, what’s your name?

WALT: Walt, Walt DeBarres.

SAMANTHA: Samantha O’Claire.

WALT: Listen, Samantha, did I make any other arguments that seemed unfounded to you? Did I make any claims unsupported by pertinent data?

SAMANTHA: Well, now that you mention it, your opinion on raising the minimum wage was based on a faulty grasp of various indices of economic data. You know, I have a handy spreadsheet on my laptop that aggregates all the relevant information in a way that I think will illuminate the issue for you if you’re interested?

WALT: Absolutely.

SAMANTHA: But before I share that with you, did I make any other specious assertions in our Facebook argument?

WALT: Well, let’s see…You know, your view on rent control failed to take into account the depreciating property values rent control laws often cause as well as the general decline in available rentals for low income people such laws often bring about.

SAMANTHA: Do you have any credible statistics that might help me to gain a more nuanced comprehension of your perspective on rent control, Walt?

WALT: As a matter of fact I was just reviewing a detailed statistical analysis of the impact of rent control laws on rental markets in more than a dozen big cities by a group of respected economists from several major universities.

SAMANTHA: Wow, let’s dive into the numbers then!

WALT: Just a second. Not before you shed light on my faulty grasp of the data on raising the minimum wage. I can’t wait to have my preconceptions challenged.

SAMANTHA: Okay, but don’t think you’ll get out of debunking my superficial views on rent control with your statistical analysis.

WALT: (rising) You might poke holes in my analysis.

SAMANTHA: Oh, I doubt that.

WALT joins SAMANTHA at her table. They immediately begin focusing intently on SAMANTHA’S laptop screen.

BLACKOUT

Trump Demands Iraqis Pay for “All the Expensive Bombs We’ve Dropped on Them”

President Trump responded to the interim Iraqi Prime Minister’s insistence that all foreign troops leave his country by demanding that Iraqis pay for all the bombs the United States has dropped on their country in the nearly seventeen years of U.S. occupation since the March, 2003 invasion.

“We have dropped a lot of very expensive bombs on Iraq over the years,” Trump said Sunday, “and so far the Iraqis have contributed nothing.”

The president’s comments came in the wake of Iraqi Prime Minister Abel Abdul Mahdi’s statement that it was “time for American troops to leave” and Iraq’s parliament voting to support the expulsion of U.S. troops from the country on Sunday following the U.S. drone strike that killed Iranian leader Qasem Soleimani.

Trump, unmoved by the mere wishes of the elected representatives of Iraq, continued. “We’ve spent a lot of money in Iraq. Billions of dollars on a great big, beautiful airbase there. And they still haven’t paid us for the accommodations and services we provided at Abu Ghraib. The interrogators, the police dogs, the chemical light sticks we used to sodomize them, the hoods, the dog leashes we used to humiliate them. All that costs money, and we’re not going anywhere until they pay us back.”

Trump Supporters Ask “Who Do We Shoot?” After Trump Impeached

Supporters of President Trump who had warned of a civil war if he was impeached and boasted about their weapons collections are now wondering who they should kill and/or where they should report for civil war duty after the House voted to impeach the president Wednesday night.

Phil Jaworski, a Trump supporter from Chicago who claimed in an interview at a Trump rally in September that a civil war would occur if Trump was impeached, said he had called and emailed the White House but received no clear instructions on who to kill or where to report for civil war duty. “Maybe they’ll announce it on Fox but I haven’t yet been informed where my staging area will be for the civil war.”

In his September interview, Jaworski was cryptic about who or what would incite a civil war although he was certain it would happen. “There will be a lot of angry Trump supporters if the Deep State impeaches my president, and I’m not saying we will turn to violence, but…My AR-15 is locked and loaded if Democrats abuse the Constitution by using one of its provisions.”

Other Trump supporters are also anxiously awaiting marching orders for the coming civil war. Ann Clayton of Virginia Beach, Virginia, says she has spent thousands of dollars on firearms and donated generously to the NRA for decades. “If we don’t have a civil war now, what was the point of my scrimping and saving to stockpile guns all those years? I say we wait ’till after Christmas, but after that, it’s a full-on apocalyptic war against the godless liberals who would tear this country apart with their fancy laws and evidence.”

Militant Vegans Seize Steakhouses Throughout Country

A network of radical vegans has engaged in a widespread covert takeover of steakhouses throughout the country, drugging and indoctrinating owners and staff and transforming the restaurants into bastions of veganism.

Radical vegans seized this steakhouse in Vancouver, Washington and painted the iconic beef cow green.

In March of 2019, Margaret and Joseph Huddleston of White Plains, New York went to Ike’s Steakhouse for the Tuesday Night Prime Rib Special as they always did. They were presented with a new menu which featured vegan tri-tip, prime ribeye, filet minon, t-bone and porterhouse steaks. When they demanded to see the owner, Ike Ricci, he was brought out by unfamiliar servers in what they described as “a drug-induced stupor” and “flatly recited vegan philosophy as if by rote” before being dragged off by the servers.

The couple reported the incident to law enforcement authorities and a subsequent raid netted a high value vegan operative who has since flipped and provided an inside look at the nation-wide operation. The captive said that the taking of steakhouses, which he referred to as “carnivore cathedrals,” was an attempt to ignite the revolution against meat eating “from inside the belly of the beast.”

Authorities said that while some of the vegan bands that have commandeered steak houses have changed the menus and aggressively promoted vegan philosophy, others have simply served vegan steaks to unwitting customers with the hopes of quietly winning them over to meatless alternatives. Customers who suspect their steakhouse has been taken over by vegans are encouraged to contact local police or the USDA Special Investigations Unit.

Atrocities Escalating in the War on Christmas

A member of “Santa’s Seals.”

The early December massacre of eleven of Santa’s elves in the North Pole by secular progressives has brought the War on Christmas to a new level of brutality unthinkable a year ago when arguments over Starbucks’ holiday cups set the tenor of the conflict.

Conservative Christians are outraged by the killing of the elves, who were cheerfully working in Santa’s workshop when they were mercilessly butchered by members of the Saturnalia Brigade, an extremist band of secular progressives. The group issued a communique stating that “elves are not innocent victims in this war. They are conscious, willing agents of the dominant Christian hegemony that force us to endure the heinous yuletide spirit every year with all its oppressive music, decorations, nauseating eggnog beverages, electronic lawn reindeer and Mannheim Steamroller concerts.”

The group also decried the “Black ops” allegedly carried out by “Santa’s Seals,” a special forces-like unit thought to be responsible for the assassinations of atheist authors, debauched Hollywood leftists and Marxist professors who sneer at traditional Christmas celebrations and greetings.

The violence is not likely to decline any time soon. Santa Claus, operating from a secured, underground, North Pole bunker since the massacre, issued a statement saying, “We will never give in to terrorists. We are going to do whatever it takes to annihilate these savages. If that means bringing back waterboarding, we’ll do it, and a hell of a lot worse, believe me. We’ll take out their families if we have to. They will never stop me in my mission to deliver toys to all the children of the world.”

Confederate Monument to be Moved to Stephen Miller’s Bedroom

A memorial statue of Confederate General and early Ku Klux Klan member Lester Rochambeau Curtiss riding his horse over a naked, bound slave woman while pleasantly sipping a mint julep will be moved into the bedroom of Senior White House Advisor Stephen Miller.

The monument, which the city council had voted to remove from Caucasian Meadows Park in the town of Sundown, Tennessee, was to be put in storage while awaiting a private buyer, but an emotional Miller recently burst into a council meeting with a bag of cash and bought it outright. A contract was quickly drawn up arranging for the statue to be transported directly to his bedroom in the dead of night.

Miller’s impulse purchase is unlikely to improve his image with liberals, who have pointed to the recent exposure of his emails pushing Breitbart News Website to run stories based on White Supremacist sources and questioned why he would want the enormous bronze tribute to slavery in his bedchamber.

A spokesman for Miller said in a statement Friday that “Mr. Miller’s choice to place the statue in his bedroom was based simply on available space in his house, and his desire for the quiet contemplation of the monument in private. Rumors that the senior advisor enjoys ‘pleasuring himself while viewing Confederate monuments and wearing military costumes’ are a vicious fabrication of the hateful, radical Democrats consumed with tearing our great country apart.”

When asked if “tearing the country apart” wasn’t exactly what the Confederates were doing in instigating the Civil War, the spokesman said he “did not see the connection.”

Strain of Defending Chosen One’s Lies Taking Toll on God’s People

As the holidays approach many Evangelical Christians are dreading family gatherings where they may encounter unsaved family members or friends who fail to understand God’s plan to use President Trump, whose lies flow as freely as the bowel movements of a sick man who just ate a super burrito and a Triple Shot Espresso Frappuccino, as an instrument of his will.

Reverend Alec Vandever, who runs the spiritual counseling center at the Church of the Sanctified Redeemer, says he has seen an uptick in the number of people coming in concerned about their anti-Trump relatives demanding explanations for Trump’s false statements.

“They’re being hounded by their Marxist-secular-humanist relations about everything Trump has ever said,” Vandever claimed. “…Mexico paying for the wall, the wall being built, millions of illegal immigrants voting in 2016, Obama wire-tapping his campaign, saying that they were going to have health insurance for everybody, he didn’t know about the Stormy Daniels payoff, there was no quid pro quo, he didn’t direct Giuliani to investigate the Bidens in Ukraine, you name it…”

As the reverend spoke, several more uneasy church members filed into the center. “This really frosts me,” he said, gesturing to the new arrivals. “At a time when we’re all supposed to be sharing our gratitude and joy for the great things our country has to offer, these people are being persecuted for following God’s will. I mean, sure, if you look at Trump’s statements from a non-Biblical perspective, you’ll find that some of them are not, strictly speaking…you know, true. But as Christians, our task is not to use our fallible human minds to determine what is true and what is not, but rather to believe what another fallible human mind tells us is God’s plan, regardless if it changes from church to church, preacher to preacher and year to year. That’s not faith, that’s gullibility! No, I meant the other way around.”