Dentist Arrested for Playing Miles Davis in Waiting Room

Dr. Robert Krager, DDS, was arrested by the American Dental Association Internal Affairs Division at his office in Rancid Acorn, California for playing a Miles Davis album in his waiting room during business hours on Tuesday morning. The popular dentist was handcuffed and perp-walked out through his busy waiting room as stunned patients looked on and Davis’ seminal avant-garde jazz masterpiece “Bitches Brew” blared over concealed speakers.

ADA Internal Affairs spokesman Ron Mendoza explained that Krager had repeatedly violated article 12C of the Constitution and Bylaws of the American Dental Association. “The article specifically addresses music of the kind that Miles Davis perpetrated,” Mendoza said. Quoting from the bylaws, Mendoza recited, “Dentists shall never play music that in any way challenges, disturbs or awakens in the listener a playful awareness of the primitive, chaotic creativity that lies at the core of our universe.”

Dr. Krager, released on bond Wednesday morning, denounced what he called “the reactionaries” of the ADA. “The philistines of the American Dental Association are forever trapped in squaresville, man. If they had ever read Dr. Marcus Foster’s monograph on the neuroesthetics of musical choices and dental health, they’d learn that patients exposed to Kenny G. bullshit and corporate office drek have thirty-five percent more dental problems than those who groove to avant-garde jazz.”

Conservatives: BLM is Communism Just Like Civil Rights Movement

Conservatives are not falling for the popular new kid in school who has made protesting cool again.

Just as their forefathers exposed the Civil Rights Movement as the insidious Communist plot it was in the 1950s and 1960s, contemporary conservatives are revealing the sinister Marxist conspiracy animating the hordes of dupes in the streets who imagine they are protesting against the wildly disproportionate killings of black people by police.

In the same brilliant fashion that Civil Rights era conservatives pointed out that the brutal discrimination blacks faced in virtually every sphere of life could not possibly have explained the protests of that time, modern conservatives have deftly shown that the Groundhog Day carousel of grisly police murders of black people cannot in and of itself clarify the ongoing inundation of the nation’s streets with protesters of all colors and ages.

Conservatives have naturally turned to that dear old chestnut communism, which was so helpful in deciphering the conundrum of why black people would mobilize against the systematic discrimination against them in voting, housing, public accommodations, education, employment and courts of law during the Civil Rights era.

Just as arch-conservative and John Birch Society founder Robert Welch accused the Civil Rights Movement of being a communist plot to establish a “Soviet-Negro Republic” with Martin Luther King, Jr. as president, the conservative Washington Times points out today that “the hair-trigger harpies screaming obscenities in the faces of police officers attempting to keep the peace, the masked bullies yanking down statues of historical figures, the hooded guerrillas hurling Molotov cocktails — all are putting Marxist ideology into action.”

Today’s conservatives know that the Communists running the BLM, just like the vicious apparatchiks who integrated lunch counters and bus depots and registered black voters in the South in the 1960s, have all the levers of power at their disposal to terrorize helpless, real Americans.

Tucker Carlson, who compared Black Lives Matter protesters to armed white thugs who tried to prevent school integration in Arkansas in 1957, wonders wistfully why the Justice Department will not impose a nationwide Lafayatte Square style crackdown on the protests. “That might make all the difference, and it would certainly make the political career of the person who does it.”

Where is Bull Connor when you need him?

Golf Cart Nazi and Pistol-Packing Lawyer to Appear at Trump’s July 3rd White Supremacy Coronavirus Orgy

Two of the brightest new stars in the world of white supremacy will appear at President Trump’s Independence Day celebration at Mount Rushmore on Friday, adding luster to an event already primed to raise the blood pressure of every red-blooded racist in the country.

Both of the freshly-minted celebrities were featured in videos shared on Twitter by President Trump over the last few days and have become inspirations to white people terrified by the spectacle of black people demonstrating against being murdered by police and other aspects of institutional racism.

The thus far anonymous man in the golf cart, apparently a retired Miami Dade County fireman who chanted “White Power” at demonstrators protesting a June 14th parade celebrating President Trump’s birthday in The Villages, Florida, will appear at the July 3rd Independence Day celebration along with Patricia McCloskey, a wealthy personal injury lawyer. McCloskey, along with her husband, confronted Black Lives Matters protesters passing by their home, pointing their loaded guns at them and apparently soiling themselves in horror at the sight of black people freely moving about on their exclusive, private street.

The July 3rd event was originally supposed to take place at the Stone Mountain monument in Georgia, but the Ku Klux Klan already had it booked so the president’s team settled for Mount Rushmore. In spite of public health officials’ concerns about hosting a celebration which may include as many as 7,500 people during a rampant pandemic in the United States that has infected 2.6 million people and killed 128,000, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem insisted “We won’t be social distancing.”

The ardently pro-Trump governor argued that the “nanny state” has gone too far with Coronavirus restrictions. “After all, we don’t have laws mandating the use of seat belts or prohibiting drunk driving or smoking in public buildings so why should we have rules designed to protect the public from a raging pandemic that is probably a hoax or a Chinese conspiracy?”

Sun Belt Governors Turn to Tyranny After COVID-19 Freedom Spikes

Governor DeSantis before he kissed the signet ring of the Deep State

Governors in three Sun Belt states who previously had fought bravely against the tyranny of government anti-Coronavirus measures have suddenly and inexplicably caved into political correctness and imposed the heavy hand of the state on their freedom-loving peoples.

Using the pretense of record-breaking daily Coronavirus infection rates in their respective states, Republican governors Greg Abbott of Texas, Ron DeSantis of Florida, and Doug Ducey of Arizona have all reversed their reopenings and ruthlessly crushed their citizens’ freedom to exchange microbes in bars, restaurants, tattoo parlors, gyms and hair salons.

The leap in daily infection rates, which began about two weeks after the three states began reopening and is coincidentally the rough incubation period for COVID-19, in fact has nothing to do with the reopening, according to DeSantis. The Florida Governor, who boasted that “We’ve succeeded” on May 20th but whose state racked up 8,942 new cases on Friday, June 26th, blamed the rise in new infections on young people who flocked to beaches that he refused to close before his abrupt metamorphosis into Chairman Mao.

The governors’ baffling shift to Stalinism is difficult to reconcile with their previous commitment to individual liberty. Both Abbott and Ducey, who had earlier forbidden local officials from mandating mask usage in their states, have now given them the green light to snuff out their citizens’ barefaced freedom. Arizona Governor Ducey, whose state faces more per capita cases than were recorded by any country in Europe during the pandemic and is rapidly running out of hospital beds, appeared at a press conference on Thursday wearing a face mask, signaling his capitulation to the Deep State.

Disturbed QAnon Puppeteer to Join Trump Administration

Washington, DC. QAnon Puppeteer Nancy Hagen-Bartlett was named Deputy Director to the Department of Conspiracies on Friday by Director Richard Trumball. Hagen-Bartlett initially came to the attention of Trump officials with her puppet show “The Storm,” which reveals the conspiracy perpetrated against President Trump by an international ring of Satan-worshipping pedophiles who run the Deep State, Hollywood, the Democratic Party, academia and the 4-H Club.

Hagen-Bartlett was invited to be an opening act at a couple Trump rallies and Department of Conspiracies Director Richard Trumball was “blown away” by her performance. “You know, initially, I wasn’t impressed with the QAnon people,” Trumball told reporters after the press conference announcing her appointment.

“I mean, a good conspiracy theory at least has to be plausible..and that whole convoluted scheme with Robert Mueller pretending to investigate Trump while actually working in tandem with him against the pedophiles just didn’t add up. But when I saw Nancy up there with Roger and Greta, the brave little sex abuse survivors, I knew I had my Deputy Director.”

A quick background check on Hagen-Bartlett revealed a vast digital trail of racist comments and deranged theories ranging from the Birther conspiracy to Michelle Obama being a transgender woman to George Soros attempting to infiltrate terrorists into the United States with caravans of immigrants from Mexico. She was a perfect fit.

“Nancy will be joining me in uncovering the George Soros connection to the Chinese development of the Coronavirus in a lab in Wuhan,” Trumball said. When asked why the Department of Conspiracies had failed to reveal any genuine conspiracies since its creation in October of last year, Trumball replied, “The best conspiracies are very elusive. We don’t go after the easy ones.”

Trump: “Very Fine People on Both Sides of Tulsa Massacre”

Tulsa, Oklahoma. At his first campaign rally since the COVID-19 shutdown Saturday night in Tulsa, President Trump took credit for educating the country about historical facts he claims it didn’t know.

“Most people didn’t know that Abraham Lincoln was a Republican. I taught them that. Most people didn’t know that Frederick Douglas was somebody who’s done an amazing job and is being recognized more and more. Or that healthcare was complicated.”

As his supporters started chanting “We didn’t know, we didn’t know,” he continued. “I also made Juneteenth famous. Nobody had ever heard of it before I planned my rally here on its anniversary. But I changed the date to today out of respect for my African-American supporters. Both of them were very pleased I changed the date.”

The president then turned to the subject of the Tulsa race massacre, the 1921 pogrom against the prosperous African-American Greenwood district of Tulsa perpetrated by white residents and law enforcement officers. The massacre, which just had its 99th anniversary this June 1st, resulted in the slaughter of as many as 300 African-Americans and the destruction of 35 square blocks of the district.

“Nobody knew about the Tulsa Race Massacre either. I made that famous. Nobody knew. And by the way, ‘massacre’ is a little bit strong. That’s fake news. There were black guys with guns, okay? I heard there were very fine people on both sides.”

New Conservative History Museum Shows that Slavery was “Just a Passing Phase”

Charleston, South Carolina. A new conservative American History museum is slated to open in Charleston this month that will illustrate that “slavery was just a passing phase the young republic experienced,” according to Museum Director Cody Ralston. “I went through a Goth phase when I was in high school,” Ralston noted at a press conference Wednesday in the museum’s Entrepreneur’s Hall. “Do I have to be known as Cody the Goth for the rest of my life?”

The “We Built It” American History Museum “will push back on the radical, revisionist narrative that slavery was somehow central to the founding of the United States,” Ralston said.

“We don’t mean to downplay slavery in American History, but slavery ran out into the middle of the road suddenly on a dark and rainy night, and the Founding Fathers, who were barreling along in the souped-up 1957 Chevy of American Exceptionalism, swerved to avoid it, but ran right into it. Slavery was wearing a tight dress and stiletto heels and hanging out in a back alley, and the Founders stepped out of a bar after a few too many drinks. It was unfortunate.”

Ralston argues that “radical revisionist historians have cherry-picked a few random facts” to support their claim that slavery was central to the founding of the country. “For instance, they make a big deal of the fact that the country’s early economic prosperity was largely created by slave-cultivated cotton, sugar, tobacco, rice and indigo, and that this benefited the entire white population at the expense of African-Americans.”

Ralston, who says he dropped out of college because he was “verbally abused by Marxist professors,” is proud that the foundation for the “We Built It” History Museum is not the work of “entrenched academics” but rather fresh research by “citizen historians inspired by the astute historical observations of President Trump.”

“When the President said ‘Most people don’t know that Lincoln was a Republican,’ he inspired people who were absolutely ignorant of American history to take a fresh look at slavery. They discovered some amazing things, such as the fact that most slaver-holders were Democrats. And when people who are unburdened by any previous knowledge of history take a fact like that and divorce it from any sort of historical context, well, you have a whole new ballgame.”

Geriatric Antifa Commandos Storm White House

Antifa Antique commandos prepare to assault the White House

Washington DC. A squad of elite geriatric Antifa commandos masquerading as Black Lives Matters protesters surged past barriers and stormed the White House Friday morning, easily routing secret service agents and police officers as they flooded into the building. According to one reporter, President Trump was caught as he was fleeing to his basement bunker by 86 year old commando Florence Wilmot, who made a sensational, highlight film quality flying tackle of the Commander-in-Chief.

The commandos, some of whom wore “Avenge Martin Gugino” t-shirts, are part of an elite tactical squad named “Antifa Antique,” which is trained for urban combat. Some members of the unit, including Wilmot, were incensed at the treatment of their comrade Martin Gugino, an Antifa Provocateur who, as President Trump pointed out, “fell harder than was pushed” but nonetheless managed to injure himself when his head hit the concrete after successfully inducing the police to push him.

As of Friday afternoon, Antifa Antique is still occupying the White House and holding President Trump hostage as law enforcement have cordoned off the area. In a communique sent to the media, the group warned that if police departments around the country are not immediately abolished and Martin Gugino’s attackers jailed, they will force President Trump to read both the Constitution and the Bible.

Antifa Battle Cruiser Spotted in Skies Over Rural Idaho

An Antifa Battle Cruiser was sighted over rural Idaho Thursday night according to a Facebook post by a group known as “The Paunchy Patriots.” The group, which is devoted to protecting the Second Amendment rights of Americans and eating copious amounts of garlic fries, claims in the post that it “has received credible intel that the cruiser was intent on sending a shuttle craft loaded with black-clad, stringy-haired Portland and Seattle Antifa fighters to spread chaos, destruction and craft beer to rural Idaho.”

Heavily armed members of the Paunchy Patriots were patrolling the streets of Coeur d’ Alene, a resort town of 50,000 in Northwest Idaho, again Friday morning. The group had hit the streets earlier this week along with other armed groups because of a previous Facebook post about a “plane load of people” arriving from Seattle that turned out to be false.

Asked about the earlier bogus report and the pointless action taken by his band before, Darren Rafferty, a captain of the Paunchy Patriots, insisted that “the pukes saw we were out here packing heat, and they turned around and got back on a plane for Seattle. Now they’re back with the Battle Cruiser so we deployed again.”

Challenged about the quality of the “intel” he has about a loosely affiliated group devoted to anti-fascism that appears to have no leadership, organizational structure or financial backing menacing rural Idaho with an immense, advanced spacecraft that heretofore has only existed in science fiction shows and films, Rafferty replied “That’s just what Antifa wants you to think.”

Conservatives Offer to Acknowledge Climate Change and Evolution if They Can Still Deny White Privilege

Stephen Albright, who enjoys jogging and not being murdered, proposed the deal.

Under pressure to acknowledge the glaringly obvious reality of white privilege illustrated by recent events, conservatives have instead offered to recognize the veracity of climate change and evolution if Black Lives Matters activists and progressives promise never to bring up the concept of white privilege again.

The extraordinary offer was made after a ludicrous comment by white privilege denier Rush Limbaugh spotlighted the untenable nature of his position and resulted in widespread ridicule on social media. During a radio discussion of white privilege with Breakfast Club co-host “Charlamagne the God,” Limbaugh denied its existence and lamented that he had been “mistreated” his whole life.

“I have been fired nine times in my career,” the right wing radio titan complained, neglecting to explain how that fact was related in any way to the topic under discussion. When asked by Charlamagne the God if he had ever been “thrown out of your car because you were driving a nice car?” Limbaugh replied that “I’ve had my cars keyed. I’ve had my tires blown. Of course.”

The idiocy of Limbaugh’s reply embarrassed even hardcore conservatives who realized that the rest of the country may be at a tipping point of recognizing the reality of white privilege because of recent events. However, most conservatives were reluctant to let go of the fantasy that they had never had an unearned advantage by virtue of the fact of being white.

Stephen Albright, a conservative Southern California congressman who offered the deal to Black Lives Matters activists and progressives, admitted that acknowledging climate change and evolution was hard, but said that conceding white privilege would be far worse.

“Listen, I’ve worked very hard for everything I’ve got, and nobody’s gonna tell me my achievements were made easier just because me and my ancestors didn’t suffer from centuries of alleged institutionalized racial discrimination in employment, housing, medical treatment, public accommodations, voting rights and the criminal justice system. We’re giving them climate change and evolution, okay? I don’t want to hear another word about ‘white privilege’ going forward!”

Black Lives Matters activists and progressives have yet to respond.