Glenn Beck Third Conservative to Immolate Self for the Dow

Photo enhanced by SCuellar

Conservative radio host Glenn Beck set himself on fire to encourage other fifty-plus Americans to do away with themselves in order to “clear the deck” for younger Americans to resume their work and jump-start an economy shut down by the Coronavirus.

Mr. Beck was the third prominent conservative to immolate himself in recent weeks. Fox News’ Brit Hume and Texas Lieutenant Governor Dan Patrick had publicly torched themselves earlier in the month to dramatize the need for older Americans to “remove the dry brush in the path of the oncoming fire” as Mr. Hume put it in a sobering Fox News commentary.

All three had previously encouraged older Americans to return to work at the risk of catching the virus to keep the economy from collapsing and were disappointed that their appeals were ignored by a group which stubbornly insisted on avoiding the deadly contagion.

Brit Hume had told a friend that older Americans needed a “wake-up call” before dousing himself with gasoline and igniting himself in front of the Fox News building in New York City. Lieutenant Governor Patrick had similarly expressed disgust for “selfish seniors who insist on surviving while the Dow drops like a condemned man falling through a gallows trap door” before squirting lighter fluid over himself at a Texas barbecue restaurant and lighting himself up.

Beck had lauded the self sacrifice of Hume and Patrick on his radio program Tuesday and acknowledged that his initial plan to send older folks out to work was flawed. “Older people going out to work who get infected are going to bring the virus back to other, younger people in their families. I hadn’t really thought it through carefully. The fact is we are the weak link, and the weak link must be eliminated or the whole chain breaks.”

Right wing radio titan Rush Limbaugh was not impressed with the trio’s solo acts, however. The Medal of Freedom recipient, who had previously told his listeners “the coronavirus is the common cold,” said their efforts were a step in the right direction, but that a larger group of older patriots needed to step up and make a much bigger “splash” to promote a mass die off of seniors to save the economy.

“Folks, we need a busload of brave seniors to barrel over a cliff to counter the lamestream media’s mantra of ‘every life matters.’ Hell, I’ll drive the bus myself.”