Republican Priorities
Sean Hannity: Deep Deep State
How insidious is the Deep State? It’s so insidious that even apparently stalwart patriots, such as Fox News personality Sean Hannity, can be secretly carrying out its sinister designs. How else can one describe Mr. Hannity’s January 10th, 2020 text message to Trump’s Chief of Staff Mark Meadows and Congressman Jim Jordan that “He (Trump) can’t mention the election again. Ever.”
Clearly Hannity is dismissing Trump’s claim that the 2020 Election, which he has called the “Crime of the Century,” was stolen by perfidious but never identified legions of Democrats who cleverly managed to steal the presidency while leaving plenty of key Republicans in the Senate to stymie their Marxist machinations. Oh, sure, Sean has come around now to the indisputable truth of Trump’s claim (which was thrown out of sixty courts of law), but where was Sean on January 10th, just four days after plucky patriots staged a peaceful demonstration and spontaneous tour of the U.S. Capitol that left five people dead, more than one hundred Capitol police officers injured, millions of dollars in damage and feces smeared on the walls?
And for that matter, why didn’t Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan immediately publicly denounce Hannity as a backstabbing, Deep State traitor for disagreeing with Trump’s plan to continue harping about the “Crime of the Century”? Could it be that they too were flirting with the idea of conceding that maybe the election had not been fraudulent after all? If so, they too are Deep State Judases. Sure, like Hannity, now they are singing with the chorus, but perhaps only until the Deep State Sanhedrin offer them their thirty pieces of silver.
Think about it. The best cover for Deep State agents is to be the loudest voice screaming on Trump’s behalf. These people are the Deep Deep State. Keep your eye on Hannity, patriots.
The Mainstream Anti-Vaxxers
Coming Soon to a Protest Near You
Angry Parents Demand Removal of Bible From School Library for “Sodomy, Incest and Trafficking”
Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas–Vanessa Carlton, a forty-three year old mother of three, rose resolutely and marched to the podium at the Parched Thistle Prairie School Board Meeting Thursday night carrying a large black book. “My three children attend the schools here, and after hearing about some of the smut that the school libraries are pushing on our kids here, I started conducting my own survey of the books, and what I found has shocked me to the core,” she began as a tense hush fell over the packed auditorium.
“One book in particular caught my attention as in one short section, it depicted sodomy, trafficking and incest,” she continued to audible gasps from the audience.
“If you think I’m exaggerating, let me share some direct quotes from the book. Two angels visit this man named Lot, and he makes dinner for them. Then the men of the town surround the house, and they demand ‘Where are the men who came to your house tonight? Bring them out that we may abuse them.'” Carlton stared down the crowd at this point, daring anyone to justify the filth she was reading aloud.
“So how does our hero reply to this order to produce two angels for a homosexual gang rape before they’ve even finished their dinner? Here’s what he says. ‘I entreat you, brethren, do not act wickedly. I have two daughters who have not known man. Let me bring them out; do as you please with them. Only do nothing to these men, for they come under the shelter of my roof.'”
A parent in the audience shouted, “Shameful!” Another erupted, “Pedo propaganda!” Carlton continued. “I ask you, what kind of librarians make this kind of smut available to our kids? Homosexual rape? A father offering his virgin daughters to a mob of depraved sodomites? But it doesn’t end there. Later in the same chapter, Lot gets drunk and has sex with both of his daughters!”
By now the audience was seething with rage, and a few parents up front demanded to know the name of the book. Carlton suddenly hoisted the tome up for all to see and called out, “The Holy Bible!”
The crowd rose as one and began chanting “Remove the Holy Bible! Remove the Holy Bible!” at the bewildered school board members. Some frightened members of the board fled with audience members in hot pursuit, shouting, “We know where you live!” and “Traitors like you will hang or face a firing squad!”
Rodgers Treating Coronavirus by Sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties
Green Bay, Wisconsin–Star Green Bay Packer Quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he is taking the advice of podcaster Joe Rogan and sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties every morning for breakfast to treat the Coronavirus he somehow contracted after wisely avoiding the dangers of the vaccines, doing his own research and relying on homeopathic remedies to stave off the pandemic that has killed more than 750,000 Americans since early 2020.
“Joe’s a really smart guy who also did his own research, refused the vaccine and still somehow got the virus so it was natural I would go to a podcaster for advice rather than some fancy doctor or epidemiologist who has studied viruses their entire careers,” Rodgers said.
Asked why he had claimed to be “immunized” when queried by reporters about his vaccination status, Rodgers explained that it was the reporters’ fault for not asking a follow-up question to his deceptive answer. “The woke mob is coming for me now, and they would like everybody to think that exposing other players and reporters to a deadly pandemic after failing to disclose I was unvaccinated is somehow worse than criticizing somebody for doing that. Well, I don’t buy that. I’m a critical thinker. As the great anti-vaxxer Martin Luther King, Jr. said, ‘You have a moral obligation to shriek Cancel Culture whenever anybody criticizes you for anything if you want to completely avoid any personal responsibility and be perceived as the victim.'”
Disney’s “The Iceman Cometh on Ice” Pushes Boundaries
Disney’s latest ice show spectacular, “The Iceman Cometh on Ice,” infuses Eugene O’Neill’s tragic masterpiece with a new life in a tour de force of skating and acting that puts recent Broadway revivals to shame.
Former Olympic figure skating champion Jamie DeSoto invests the doomed traveling salesman Theodore Hickey with a caustic edge and a masterful command of Lutz and Axel jumps that supercharges the production. DeSoto’s beguiling charm and crisp crossovers send the inebriated denizens of Harry’s Hope Saloon into flying spins that poignantly express their determination to cling to their hopeless pipe dreams. Director Michelle Neuhoff’s production daringly pushes all the boundaries of a children’s ice show in a way that Disney has not risked since its “Strindberg on Ice” show that shocked critics, parents and toddlers alike in 2008.
While some parents expressed concern about an ice show populated by hopeless alcoholics gliding about the ice with glasses of cheap whiskey and a protagonist who only comes to terms with reality by murdering his faithful and long-suffering wife, Neuhoff said she thought that the message of “abandoning one’s pipe dreams and facing the harsh reality of our Godless, existential existence can never come too soon.”
“Gravity is Real” Says Arkansas Man Injured in Cliff Jump
Jimmy Ray Fulton thought gravity was a Deep State conspiracy when he leaped off the eighty foot cliff at Heber Springs without a cable or harness. People at the popular cliff jumping site in Arkansas had warned him that jumping off a cliff with no cable or harness was dangerous, but the twenty-seven year old welder and former all state defensive back had seen a lengthy Youtube video which convinced him that gravity was “only a theory” and that Isaac Newton had been a card-carrying member of the Illuminati who had invented it in order to gain control of the population.
Fulton, who suffered a broken back, a fractured leg and multiple abrasions in the jump, says he is now telling his friends not to jump from tall cliffs. “I really thought I would just float to the ground gently when I jumped because I believed gravity wasn’t real. Now I’m telling all my friends, ‘don’t jump off tall cliffs without a cable ’cause gravity is real.’ And it’s really tough to get a room in an ICU unit now because of all the COVID people. But if you’re going to do it, at least wait until this COVID thing has died down a little.”
I’m A Texas Abortion Vigilante and I’m Watching You
My name is Steven Shroeder and I am a Texas abortion vigilante. I used to spend a lot of my time picketing abortion clinics and attending protests against the murder of innocent babies. But now I have something even better to do with my free time. I can watch all of you hedonistic Marxist sluts for any sign you might be thinking of getting an abortion and I have been empowered by the state of Texas to sue anyone who helps you try to kill that baby. Doctors, nurses, your mother or sister if they drive you to the clinic, anybody! And if I win I get ten thousand dollars plus they will have to pay my court costs!
This is great because frankly, I’m between jobs right now. And the truth is, I wasn’t meeting many women at the anti-abortion rallies anyway. I think the giant sign I had with the photo of the bloody fetus turned some of them off, even the most pro-life ones. My mom says I’ll have better luck with women when I get a place of my own, and ten grand would sure help me take that next step.
I’ve got my eye on a young lady in the neighborhood who I suspect may be pregnant and planning an abortion. You see, she had a boyfriend, but they started having these loud arguments and then one day about a month ago, he drove off really upset and angry and hasn’t been back since. And then I noticed the girl was putting on weight. She lives with her mother and works as a waitress so, you know, they don’t have a lot of money.
I notice this kind of stuff. I guess I’m just a natural born investigator, and like I said, I’m between jobs so…The really cool thing is since the law allows private citizens with no connection whatsoever to the woman to involve themselves in her pregnancy, they can’t charge me with stalking like they did that time a few years ago when I…well, that’s all behind me now.
I wonder if the state of Texas will issue me a special badge after I bag my first baby killer–like the Texas Rangers or something. Man, I’d look pretty awesome wearing that at the next big anti-abortion rally. Maybe if I score the badge, that sweet ten grand bounty and a new pad, Loretta Walters will go out to coffee with me. After all, that stalking thing was like three years ago.