Library Books Made Me Gay

Heterosexual Jeremy Bauer, who became temporarily homosexual after reading a gay young adult novel.

Nobody is born gay, and I was no exception. I had a crush on Teresa Holcomb in kindergarten and Misty Carlyle in first grade. The crushes on girls continued up until middle school.

But one day I was perusing books at the school library and I happened upon this teen novel. It was one of those early books in the ’90s that brazenly acknowledged the existence of gay people. I will not share the title as I refuse to promote the book that instantly transformed my sexuality against my will and plunged me into a life of extravagant and rather naughty wickedness.

I cannot explain the subtle subterfuge the book employed to alter the natural, healthy heterosexuality with which God had endowed me. But like the character in The Manchurian Candidate looking at the playing card, I was suddenly activated, not to assassinate a political candidate but rather to commit unspeakable sacrileges with members of my own sex. I slammed the book shut and immediately went looking for “action.”

I share this shameful detour in my young life not to titillate anyone with the prurient details of my life of sin, but rather to encourage support for the raft of bills being produced in state houses around the country to eradicate these tools of Satan that infest libraries across our fruited plain, and are designed to recruit children who God created in all their heterosexual glory into a life of depravity. Bill 666, for example, which just passed in the Idaho House of Representatives, can potentially jail librarians and teachers for “disseminating material that is harmful to minors.”

Naturally liberal critics are carping that “material that is harmful to minors” is disturbingly vague and that jailing librarians and teachers for providing access to books some parents might find objectionable is something we might expect in Francoist Spain rather than a robust and free democratic society unafraid of entertaining controversial new ideas. But those arguments are just a fig leaf to cover their hideous conspiracy to transform America into a Godless, Marxist, pan-sexual bacchanalia any decent American would flee from in disgust.

Cleanse the libraries and schools! Remove the immoral books! Lock up the teachers and librarians! And once we’ve done that, we’ll need to clean up the internet because I have heard that curious teens may be able explore “harmful materials” on their laptops and Iphones as well. I am living proof of the harm these materials can cause but also of the power of God’s forgiveness as well the effectiveness of programs like Hank and Sue’s Homosexual Rehabilitation Summer Bible Camp.

Sean Hannity: Deep Deep State

Don’t let that all American smile fool you.

How insidious is the Deep State? It’s so insidious that even apparently stalwart patriots, such as Fox News personality Sean Hannity, can be secretly carrying out its sinister designs. How else can one describe Mr. Hannity’s January 10th, 2020 text message to Trump’s Chief of Staff Mark Meadows and Congressman Jim Jordan that “He (Trump) can’t mention the election again. Ever.”

Clearly Hannity is dismissing Trump’s claim that the 2020 Election, which he has called the “Crime of the Century,” was stolen by perfidious but never identified legions of Democrats who cleverly managed to steal the presidency while leaving plenty of key Republicans in the Senate to stymie their Marxist machinations. Oh, sure, Sean has come around now to the indisputable truth of Trump’s claim (which was thrown out of sixty courts of law), but where was Sean on January 10th, just four days after plucky patriots staged a peaceful demonstration and spontaneous tour of the U.S. Capitol that left five people dead, more than one hundred Capitol police officers injured, millions of dollars in damage and feces smeared on the walls?

And for that matter, why didn’t Mark Meadows and Jim Jordan immediately publicly denounce Hannity as a backstabbing, Deep State traitor for disagreeing with Trump’s plan to continue harping about the “Crime of the Century”? Could it be that they too were flirting with the idea of conceding that maybe the election had not been fraudulent after all? If so, they too are Deep State Judases. Sure, like Hannity, now they are singing with the chorus, but perhaps only until the Deep State Sanhedrin offer them their thirty pieces of silver.

Think about it. The best cover for Deep State agents is to be the loudest voice screaming on Trump’s behalf. These people are the Deep Deep State. Keep your eye on Hannity, patriots.

Angry Parents Demand Removal of Bible From School Library for “Sodomy, Incest and Trafficking”

Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas–Vanessa Carlton, a forty-three year old mother of three, rose resolutely and marched to the podium at the Parched Thistle Prairie School Board Meeting Thursday night carrying a large black book. “My three children attend the schools here, and after hearing about some of the smut that the school libraries are pushing on our kids here, I started conducting my own survey of the books, and what I found has shocked me to the core,” she began as a tense hush fell over the packed auditorium.

“One book in particular caught my attention as in one short section, it depicted sodomy, trafficking and incest,” she continued to audible gasps from the audience.

“If you think I’m exaggerating, let me share some direct quotes from the book. Two angels visit this man named Lot, and he makes dinner for them. Then the men of the town surround the house, and they demand ‘Where are the men who came to your house tonight? Bring them out that we may abuse them.'” Carlton stared down the crowd at this point, daring anyone to justify the filth she was reading aloud.

“So how does our hero reply to this order to produce two angels for a homosexual gang rape before they’ve even finished their dinner? Here’s what he says. ‘I entreat you, brethren, do not act wickedly. I have two daughters who have not known man. Let me bring them out; do as you please with them. Only do nothing to these men, for they come under the shelter of my roof.'”

A parent in the audience shouted, “Shameful!” Another erupted, “Pedo propaganda!” Carlton continued. “I ask you, what kind of librarians make this kind of smut available to our kids? Homosexual rape? A father offering his virgin daughters to a mob of depraved sodomites? But it doesn’t end there. Later in the same chapter, Lot gets drunk and has sex with both of his daughters!”

By now the audience was seething with rage, and a few parents up front demanded to know the name of the book. Carlton suddenly hoisted the tome up for all to see and called out, “The Holy Bible!”

The crowd rose as one and began chanting “Remove the Holy Bible! Remove the Holy Bible!” at the bewildered school board members. Some frightened members of the board fled with audience members in hot pursuit, shouting, “We know where you live!” and “Traitors like you will hang or face a firing squad!”

Rodgers Treating Coronavirus by Sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties

Green Bay, Wisconsin–Star Green Bay Packer Quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he is taking the advice of podcaster Joe Rogan and sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties every morning for breakfast to treat the Coronavirus he somehow contracted after wisely avoiding the dangers of the vaccines, doing his own research and relying on homeopathic remedies to stave off the pandemic that has killed more than 750,000 Americans since early 2020.

“Joe’s a really smart guy who also did his own research, refused the vaccine and still somehow got the virus so it was natural I would go to a podcaster for advice rather than some fancy doctor or epidemiologist who has studied viruses their entire careers,” Rodgers said.

Asked why he had claimed to be “immunized” when queried by reporters about his vaccination status, Rodgers explained that it was the reporters’ fault for not asking a follow-up question to his deceptive answer. “The woke mob is coming for me now, and they would like everybody to think that exposing other players and reporters to a deadly pandemic after failing to disclose I was unvaccinated is somehow worse than criticizing somebody for doing that. Well, I don’t buy that. I’m a critical thinker. As the great anti-vaxxer Martin Luther King, Jr. said, ‘You have a moral obligation to shriek Cancel Culture whenever anybody criticizes you for anything if you want to completely avoid any personal responsibility and be perceived as the victim.'”

Disney’s “The Iceman Cometh on Ice” Pushes Boundaries

Jaime DeSoto as the doomed saleman Theodore Hickey

Disney’s latest ice show spectacular, “The Iceman Cometh on Ice,” infuses Eugene O’Neill’s tragic masterpiece with a new life in a tour de force of skating and acting that puts recent Broadway revivals to shame.

Former Olympic figure skating champion Jamie DeSoto invests the doomed traveling salesman Theodore Hickey with a caustic edge and a masterful command of Lutz and Axel jumps that supercharges the production. DeSoto’s beguiling charm and crisp crossovers send the inebriated denizens of Harry’s Hope Saloon into flying spins that poignantly express their determination to cling to their hopeless pipe dreams. Director Michelle Neuhoff’s production daringly pushes all the boundaries of a children’s ice show in a way that Disney has not risked since its “Strindberg on Ice” show that shocked critics, parents and toddlers alike in 2008.

While some parents expressed concern about an ice show populated by hopeless alcoholics gliding about the ice with glasses of cheap whiskey and a protagonist who only comes to terms with reality by murdering his faithful and long-suffering wife, Neuhoff said she thought that the message of “abandoning one’s pipe dreams and facing the harsh reality of our Godless, existential existence can never come too soon.”

“Gravity is Real” Says Arkansas Man Injured in Cliff Jump

Jimmy Ray Fulton thought gravity was a Deep State conspiracy when he leaped off the eighty foot cliff at Heber Springs without a cable or harness. People at the popular cliff jumping site in Arkansas had warned him that jumping off a cliff with no cable or harness was dangerous, but the twenty-seven year old welder and former all state defensive back had seen a lengthy Youtube video which convinced him that gravity was “only a theory” and that Isaac Newton had been a card-carrying member of the Illuminati who had invented it in order to gain control of the population.

Fulton, who suffered a broken back, a fractured leg and multiple abrasions in the jump, says he is now telling his friends not to jump from tall cliffs. “I really thought I would just float to the ground gently when I jumped because I believed gravity wasn’t real. Now I’m telling all my friends, ‘don’t jump off tall cliffs without a cable ’cause gravity is real.’ And it’s really tough to get a room in an ICU unit now because of all the COVID people. But if you’re going to do it, at least wait until this COVID thing has died down a little.”