Coming Soon to a Protest Near You
Angry Parents Demand Removal of Bible From School Library for “Sodomy, Incest and Trafficking”
Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas–Vanessa Carlton, a forty-three year old mother of three, rose resolutely and marched to the podium at the Parched Thistle Prairie School Board Meeting Thursday night carrying a large black book. “My three children attend the schools here, and after hearing about some of the smut that the school libraries are pushing on our kids here, I started conducting my own survey of the books, and what I found has shocked me to the core,” she began as a tense hush fell over the packed auditorium.
“One book in particular caught my attention as in one short section, it depicted sodomy, trafficking and incest,” she continued to audible gasps from the audience.
“If you think I’m exaggerating, let me share some direct quotes from the book. Two angels visit this man named Lot, and he makes dinner for them. Then the men of the town surround the house, and they demand ‘Where are the men who came to your house tonight? Bring them out that we may abuse them.'” Carlton stared down the crowd at this point, daring anyone to justify the filth she was reading aloud.
“So how does our hero reply to this order to produce two angels for a homosexual gang rape before they’ve even finished their dinner? Here’s what he says. ‘I entreat you, brethren, do not act wickedly. I have two daughters who have not known man. Let me bring them out; do as you please with them. Only do nothing to these men, for they come under the shelter of my roof.'”
A parent in the audience shouted, “Shameful!” Another erupted, “Pedo propaganda!” Carlton continued. “I ask you, what kind of librarians make this kind of smut available to our kids? Homosexual rape? A father offering his virgin daughters to a mob of depraved sodomites? But it doesn’t end there. Later in the same chapter, Lot gets drunk and has sex with both of his daughters!”
By now the audience was seething with rage, and a few parents up front demanded to know the name of the book. Carlton suddenly hoisted the tome up for all to see and called out, “The Holy Bible!”
The crowd rose as one and began chanting “Remove the Holy Bible! Remove the Holy Bible!” at the bewildered school board members. Some frightened members of the board fled with audience members in hot pursuit, shouting, “We know where you live!” and “Traitors like you will hang or face a firing squad!”
Rodgers Treating Coronavirus by Sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties
Green Bay, Wisconsin–Star Green Bay Packer Quarterback Aaron Rodgers told reporters Friday that he is taking the advice of podcaster Joe Rogan and sprinkling Ivermectin on his Wheaties every morning for breakfast to treat the Coronavirus he somehow contracted after wisely avoiding the dangers of the vaccines, doing his own research and relying on homeopathic remedies to stave off the pandemic that has killed more than 750,000 Americans since early 2020.
“Joe’s a really smart guy who also did his own research, refused the vaccine and still somehow got the virus so it was natural I would go to a podcaster for advice rather than some fancy doctor or epidemiologist who has studied viruses their entire careers,” Rodgers said.
Asked why he had claimed to be “immunized” when queried by reporters about his vaccination status, Rodgers explained that it was the reporters’ fault for not asking a follow-up question to his deceptive answer. “The woke mob is coming for me now, and they would like everybody to think that exposing other players and reporters to a deadly pandemic after failing to disclose I was unvaccinated is somehow worse than criticizing somebody for doing that. Well, I don’t buy that. I’m a critical thinker. As the great anti-vaxxer Martin Luther King, Jr. said, ‘You have a moral obligation to shriek Cancel Culture whenever anybody criticizes you for anything if you want to completely avoid any personal responsibility and be perceived as the victim.'”
Disney’s “The Iceman Cometh on Ice” Pushes Boundaries
Disney’s latest ice show spectacular, “The Iceman Cometh on Ice,” infuses Eugene O’Neill’s tragic masterpiece with a new life in a tour de force of skating and acting that puts recent Broadway revivals to shame.
Former Olympic figure skating champion Jamie DeSoto invests the doomed traveling salesman Theodore Hickey with a caustic edge and a masterful command of Lutz and Axel jumps that supercharges the production. DeSoto’s beguiling charm and crisp crossovers send the inebriated denizens of Harry’s Hope Saloon into flying spins that poignantly express their determination to cling to their hopeless pipe dreams. Director Michelle Neuhoff’s production daringly pushes all the boundaries of a children’s ice show in a way that Disney has not risked since its “Strindberg on Ice” show that shocked critics, parents and toddlers alike in 2008.
While some parents expressed concern about an ice show populated by hopeless alcoholics gliding about the ice with glasses of cheap whiskey and a protagonist who only comes to terms with reality by murdering his faithful and long-suffering wife, Neuhoff said she thought that the message of “abandoning one’s pipe dreams and facing the harsh reality of our Godless, existential existence can never come too soon.”
“Gravity is Real” Says Arkansas Man Injured in Cliff Jump
Jimmy Ray Fulton thought gravity was a Deep State conspiracy when he leaped off the eighty foot cliff at Heber Springs without a cable or harness. People at the popular cliff jumping site in Arkansas had warned him that jumping off a cliff with no cable or harness was dangerous, but the twenty-seven year old welder and former all state defensive back had seen a lengthy Youtube video which convinced him that gravity was “only a theory” and that Isaac Newton had been a card-carrying member of the Illuminati who had invented it in order to gain control of the population.
Fulton, who suffered a broken back, a fractured leg and multiple abrasions in the jump, says he is now telling his friends not to jump from tall cliffs. “I really thought I would just float to the ground gently when I jumped because I believed gravity wasn’t real. Now I’m telling all my friends, ‘don’t jump off tall cliffs without a cable ’cause gravity is real.’ And it’s really tough to get a room in an ICU unit now because of all the COVID people. But if you’re going to do it, at least wait until this COVID thing has died down a little.”
I’m A Texas Abortion Vigilante and I’m Watching You
My name is Steven Shroeder and I am a Texas abortion vigilante. I used to spend a lot of my time picketing abortion clinics and attending protests against the murder of innocent babies. But now I have something even better to do with my free time. I can watch all of you hedonistic Marxist sluts for any sign you might be thinking of getting an abortion and I have been empowered by the state of Texas to sue anyone who helps you try to kill that baby. Doctors, nurses, your mother or sister if they drive you to the clinic, anybody! And if I win I get ten thousand dollars plus they will have to pay my court costs!
This is great because frankly, I’m between jobs right now. And the truth is, I wasn’t meeting many women at the anti-abortion rallies anyway. I think the giant sign I had with the photo of the bloody fetus turned some of them off, even the most pro-life ones. My mom says I’ll have better luck with women when I get a place of my own, and ten grand would sure help me take that next step.
I’ve got my eye on a young lady in the neighborhood who I suspect may be pregnant and planning an abortion. You see, she had a boyfriend, but they started having these loud arguments and then one day about a month ago, he drove off really upset and angry and hasn’t been back since. And then I noticed the girl was putting on weight. She lives with her mother and works as a waitress so, you know, they don’t have a lot of money.
I notice this kind of stuff. I guess I’m just a natural born investigator, and like I said, I’m between jobs so…The really cool thing is since the law allows private citizens with no connection whatsoever to the woman to involve themselves in her pregnancy, they can’t charge me with stalking like they did that time a few years ago when I…well, that’s all behind me now.
I wonder if the state of Texas will issue me a special badge after I bag my first baby killer–like the Texas Rangers or something. Man, I’d look pretty awesome wearing that at the next big anti-abortion rally. Maybe if I score the badge, that sweet ten grand bounty and a new pad, Loretta Walters will go out to coffee with me. After all, that stalking thing was like three years ago.
MAGA Jesus Arrested for January 6th Riot
Washington, DC — MAGA Jesus was arrested by the FBI Wednesday after a social media contact reported his post from January 6th boasting that “Me and my patriot disciples are kicking some f*cking Deep State ass today! Yea, behold my righteous pummeling of the iniquitous sons of Satan!” The post included a photo of MAGA Jesus beating a Capitol Police Officer with an American flag.
MAGA Jesus is one of the more recent incarnations of Jesus Christ championed by the ardent followers of defeated one term President Donald Trump. True to Trump’s inclinations, MAGA Jesus is racist, sexist, anti-democratic, totally ignorant of American History, and has a hysterical fear and hatred of immigrants, particularly those hailing from developing nations suffering from a dearth of fair-skinned people prone to wearing lederhosen.
MAGA Jesus’ lawyer Marshall Foley told reporters Friday that his client was being persecuted for his religious conviction that beating police officers who are protecting public officials engaged in their duties on federal property was Constitutionally protected free speech, particularly for divine luminaries of paranoid, radicalized sects of Christianity.
Mainline Protestant Jesus, reached by phone Friday, commented, “It’s sad, you know? Of all the Jesuses, he’s the angriest, and he really needs to look inside himself and see what that’s all about.”
Statue Honoring Unvaccinated Dead Heroes Erected by Republicans
Jefferson City, Missouri– State legislators in Missouri have erected a statue paying tribute to the many Missourians who bravely refused the COVID-19 vaccine and subsequently contracted the disease and perished in order to help Republicans with their short term political goal of thwarting President Biden’s efforts to vaccinate 70 percent of the country by July 4th.
“These people gave their lives so that the Biden administration could not impose live-saving vaccines on them and thus strip them of their freedom to die horrible deaths and infect other Americans freely in accordance with our recently enacted laws,” state legislator Rodney Bruegler said as the monument was unveiled in front of the state capital Friday.
“They are the real heroes,” Bruegler, who declined to say whether he had received the vaccine, continued. “Some of us did our part by spreading disinformation and cleverly casting doubt on decades of settled medical science, but these folks made the ultimate sacrifice just to sow death and chaos in the country that would undermine the success of the Biden administration.”
Bruegler and the Republicans’ disinformation campaign has paid off handsomely as Missouri boasts the fourth highest rate of new cases in the country, has a vaccination rate almost twenty percent lower than the nation as a whole, and has hospitals being overwhelmed with new cases, almost entirely by unvaccinated patients. Nationwide, the seven day average for new cases has jumped nearly 70 percent in just one week, according to the Director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Rochelle Walensky, with more than 97 percent of hospitalizations being unvaccinated patients and almost all of the deaths among those who bravely rejected the nanny state’s needle.
A minor controversy erupted as the statue was unveiled as the Republican funders of the statue realized there had been a miscommunication with the sculptress. Rather than the triumphal monument the Republicans had commissioned, the sculptress, Lisa Andretti, had thought the statue was intended to be somber memorial to the entirely preventable deaths of the unvaccinated. She therefore portrayed the victim covering his face with his hand in a regretful manner. Bruegler vowed to withhold payment to the sculptress until she modified the statue to giving the Josh Hawley fist salute the junior Senator gave to Trump supporters on January 6th.
The Devil and Donald Rumsfeld
A grimy, dimly lit interrogation cell. A tall, elderly man with a cloth hood over his head and dressed in pajamas is shackled to a metal chair. Behind him a frightful DEMON straight out of a Hieronymus Bosch painting is standing with a bored expression on his face. Off to one side is a metal table with various items on top: an enormous water container with a rubber tube coming out its opening, a towel, a dog leash, a pair of women’s panties, an electronic pump of some kind with a rubber tube attached. After a moment, SATAN enters the cell. He nods to the DEMON, who instantly rips the hood off the man in the chair, revealing a highly disorientated DONALD RUMSFELD. RUMSFELD looks around the room, his eyes struggling to adjust to the light.
RUMSFELD: What…What is this? Where am I?
SATAN: Ah, welcome, Mr. Secretary. I hope you’ll find your accommodations acceptable. We’ve gone to some trouble to make things just right.
RUMSFELD: Where are we?
SATAN: Well, we created an exact replica of Abu Ghraib for you, Mr. Secretary.
RUMSFELD: What?
SATAN: But to be more precise, you are in Hell.
RUMSFELD: Hell?
SATAN: Hell, Hades, the Inferno, the Lake of Fire, the Place of Perdition, the Abyss–
RUMSFELD: (with growing apprehension) And you are…you are…
SATAN: (smiling serenely) Yes.
RUMSFELD: Wait a minute…I wasn’t feeling well, and then…
SATAN: You died, Mr. Secretary. You’re dead…with hundreds of thousands of lives and an impressive legacy of torture and depravity on your conscience, and you never repented so…here we are.
RUMSFELD: But I’m a Christian! I publicly spoke about my “faith journey” in a Fox News interview and–
SATAN: Yes, when you did that, you enhanced your status amongst the damned by violating Christ’s condemnation of public hypocrites in the New Testament, which I believe is the foundation of Christianity.
RUMSFELD: (noting the items on top of the table) What’s…what’s all that stuff?
SATAN: Surely you recognize these items, Mr. Secretary. They are the tools you authorized for “enhanced interrogation” of detainees. (he picks up the pump with the rubber tube) This, for instance, is a pump for rectal rehydration–used for pumping pureed food directly up the ass of recalcitrant detainees…somewhat uncomfortable, I understand, but highly effective in putting them in a sharing mood…as you’ll soon discover.
RUMSFELD: Wait a minute, you’re not going to–
SATAN: (puts pump down) And this water container and tube is for waterboarding. You see, you place a towel over the detainee’s face and you pour water over it, creating the sensation of drowning. But don’t worry, it’s not torture, it’s enhanced interrogation like you said. That dog leash there is for sexual humiliation–same with those panties, which we’ll put over your head while you’re shackled in a stress position and forced to endure cold temperature and death metal music is blasted at an excruciating volume. I believed you described this as “softening up” the detainees.
RUMSFELD: Look, we liberated millions of people from a tyrant, and there were no more 9/11 attacks after we went into Iraq!
The DEMON behind RUMSFELD bursts out laughing as does SATAN. The DEMON grabs RUMSFELD by the hair and turns his face toward him.
DEMON: Do we look like the fat old cracker fucks who watch Fox News to you, Rummy?
SATAN: If you wish to continue with the lies that brought you here, Mr. Secretary, by all means, do so. It will make the enhanced interrogation that much more entertaining.
RUMSFELD: I never lied.
The DEMON and SATAN burst out laughing again.
SATAN: Did you hear that, Moloch? He never lied.
The DEMON pulls a list off the table and begins reading from it.
DEMON: “We know where they are. They’re in the area around Tikrit and Baghdad and east, west, south and north somewhat.” March 30th, 2003.
SATAN: You said you knew where the nonexistent weapons of mass destruction were, Mr. Secretary. You fabricated a pretext to start a war and two hundred thousand Iraqis died because of your lies. Not to mention four thousand of your own troops, many of whom died because you didn’t provide them with armor plated vehicles. You arrested Iraqis off the street or in their own homes and interrogated some of them with no interpreters. You broke the Geneva Convention by not registering prisoners so nobody would ever find out what happened to them. And while you died peacefully in your bed, the slaughter you started in Iraq is still going on.
RUMSFELD: Listen, it wasn’t just me. There were others in the administration who–
SATAN: (to the DEMON) What do you think, Moloch? Should we start with waterboarding or–
RUMSFELD: Listen, it was Cheney. The Vice President. Dick Cheney was my boss! He ran the whole goddamned show. I can give you whatever information you want on Cheney!
DEMON: Maybe we shackle him standing in a stress position for half a day for openers?
SATAN: That’s right, Mr. Secretary. Remember, you wrote that note on the Pentagon memorandum approving enhanced interrogation techniques asking why detainees shouldn’t have to endure standing in stress positions for longer periods of time since you stood for eight hours a day at your desk?
RUMSFELD: Did you hear what I said? I’ll give up Dick Cheney!
SATAN: Oh, we’ve got everything we need on that motherfucker, but thanks anyway.
RUMSFELD: Okay, how about Condi Rice? Or Colin Powell?
DEMON: (laughing) We haven’t even started yet and he’s ready to give up everybody he ever had coffee with.
RUMSFELD: I’ll give you Douglas Feith!
DEMON: (to SATAN) Shall we peruse his Facebook friends?
RUMSFELD: George W. Bush. I’ll give you Bush!
SATAN: Okay, I say waterboarding or rectal rehydration.
DEMON: Shall we flip a coin?
SATAN: Okay, heads waterboarding–
DEMON: (pulling a coin out of his pocket) Got it. (he flips the coin onto the floor, then picks it up) Looks like rectal rehydration it is.
RUMSFELD: No!!
The DEMON picks the pump up off the table, and as he flips the switch, an unnerving buzzing sound starts up.
SATAN: Buck up, Mr. Secretary. Remember, it’s not torture, it’s “enhanced interrogation.” I’m afraid you’ll need to remove those pajama pants, Mr. Secretary…
The lights fade on the scene as they prepare for RUMSFELD’S enhanced interrogation.
Republicans Move to Strip Critical Race Theorist Martin Luther King Jr. of His Holiday
Republican lawmakers, aghast at discovering disturbing quotes from Martin Luther King Jr. smacking of critical race theory, are taking steps toward legislation cancelling the holiday. Freshman congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, who insists she was King’s “biggest fan” until she read other statements he had made besides the ones frequently quoted from his big hit speech “I Have a Dream.”
“Did you know Martin Luther King Jr. said other things after he said the content of your character is what matters?” she queried reporters on Thursday. “Well, he did, and some of them were disgusting, critical race theory, I-hate-America things that the snugly, Disney caricature of Martin Luther King Jr. we white conservatives have clutched to our collective bosom would never, ever have said.”
Waving a sheet of King quotes she claimed proved King was a Marxist, critical race theorist who dreamed of oppressing innocent white school children, Greene proceeded to read some of the offending statements. “In his 1967 book, Where Do We Go From Here: Community or Chaos? King said this:”
Whites, it must frankly be said, are not putting in a similar mass effort to reeducate themselves out of their racial ignorance. It is an aspect of their sense of superiority that the white people of America believe they have so little to learn. The reality of substantial investment to assist Negroes into the twentieth century, adjusting to Negro neighbors and genuine school integration, is still a nightmare for all too many white Americans…These are the deepest causes for contemporary abrasions between the races. Loose and easy language about equality, resonant resolutions about brotherhood fall pleasantly on the ear, but for the Negro there is a credibility gap he cannot overlook. He remembers that with each modest advance the white population promptly raises the argument that the Negro has come far enough. Each step forward accents an ever-present tendency to backlash.
After a dramatic pause for effect, Taylor Greene told reporters, “Now if that doesn’t prove that Martin Luther King Jr. had a sinister plan to force white people to learn about systematic racism, then I don’t know what does. We cannot have a holiday celebrating a racist who insists that white people make an effort to comprehend their part in the complex racial history of our country.”