As a prominent conservative Republican politician, I feel it is my duty to address the unpleasantness that occurred at the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It is critical for all of us to register our distress at what happened in a vague and oblique manner, taking care not to reflexively point fingers in anger at those who actually stormed and desecrated the building.
After all, it is not as though they carried banners or wore distinctive clothing or hats indicating who they were or what their possible agenda was. We should not assume that just because they came straight from President Trump’s afternoon harangue telling them to go to the Capitol and that “we’ve got to get rid of these weak congresspeople” that that somehow influenced their somewhat overzealous actions in attacking Capitol police officers, storming the building, raiding lawmakers’ offices, stealing furniture and other souvenirs, carrying weapons and Confederate flags inside and leaving threatening letters.
The disruption of the ceremonial reading of the electoral college votes yesterday was an unfortunate incident brought about by the mysterious divisiveness and hyper-partisanship we are experiencing in this country. We all need to tone down our rhetoric and stop treating one another as enemies the way the fake media, the enemies of the people, the radical left socialist anarchists and Satanic pedophiles who run the Democratic party have done.
While violence is never the answer and all deaths, injuries, destruction of property is regrettable, these things can happen when credulous patriots are inundated for months with phantasmagoric conspiracy theories that could have been conjured up by a slavering street preacher on a bad acid trip. But we cannot simply ignore the delusions of our fellow citizens who believe without any evidence in an enormous voter fraud conspiracy involving multiple state election officials of both parties, election workers all over the country, judges of both parties in some fifty different courts in five separate states (including some appointed by President Trump), the Attorney General of the United States, the media, Hillary Clinton, China, Hugo Chavez and former members of Menudo.
So I implore you. Please let us all duly phone in our our dismay, check off the platitude boxes on bipartisanship, collegiality, love of country, and then continue on exactly as before.
America-hating, radical leftist groups with poor hygiene are looking forward to terrorizing good, clean, conservative, white American citizens come January 20th, according to statements from various unshaven bolshevik traitors. “Joe Biden’s 47 years of posing as a centrist, moderate Democrat have finally paid off,” Ian McCormick, National Director of the Gay Socialist Jihadi Drum Circle announced Saturday morning.
“He’s given us the secret head nod in one of his speeches that is the command to march into the suburbs on January 20th and utterly eradicate the homes of hard-working, God-fearing, tax-paying, Constitution-loving real Americans. We’re going to burn their Bibles and put them into camps where they will be forced to study Mao’s Little Red Book and eat watery gruel with dirty chop sticks. After six months, the ones who can recite the book from memory and are free of lice and the crabs can join our drum circle.”
Hi, I’m Ted Cruz, United States Senator, and I’ll be teaching a two day Master Class in Sycophancy and Groveling on January 20th and 21st, 2021 at the Lubriderm-Citibank Arena in Dallas, Texas. You can take the course online or you can come in person and expose yourself to unmasked Coronavirus deniers while learning the secrets that will make you a world class sycophant in just two painless sessions.
But why learn from me? What are my credentials? Surely there are more debased, obsequious flunkies than me. Lindsey Graham, for instance, rolls in shit on Trump’s command. How could I possibly be a more cringing, servile lackey to President Trump than that? Let me explain.
President Trump grievously insulted my wife, my father and myself, and yet I continue to crawl on my belly like a whimpering dog to service President Trump’s erratic, narcissistic demands whenever and wherever he makes them. Can you imagine Lindsey Graham putting up with Trump calling his wife ugly and still cravenly doing his bidding as I do? Okay, Lindsey hasn’t found Mrs. Right just yet, but you see my point.
In addition to juxtaposing an unflattering photo of my wife with a pretty one of Melania in a tweet, Trump implied my father was buddies with Lee Harvey Oswald and may have been mixed up in the assassination of President Kennedy. On top of that, he accused me of “stealing” the win in the Iowa caucuses during the 2016 Republican Primaries by means of fraud. Does that sound familiar? Is that not the very thing I offered to go to the Supreme Court to argue on behalf of President Trump over the 2020 election?
How can a person whose wife was publicly humiliated, whose father was slimed with a heinous smear, and who was himself accused of the crime of election fraud, turn around and peddle his wretched soul off to the very miscreant who ultimately crushed him in the primaries and dragged his family into his personal psychological torture bunker just for chuckles?
You really have to be a person with a pudding-like inner core, utterly devoid of any convictions or integrity and so desperate for success that you will gladly oblige your most bitter enemy in a flamboyant, graphic display of self-abasement that would make a macabre vignette in a Hieronymus Bosch triptych. If you can do that while still pretending to be a man of principle who waves the Bible and the Constitution around in public a lot, you’ll have something really special. I can help you get there. See you in January.
Celebrated film maker Woody Allen has been abducted from his Manhattan townhouse by a gang of fans of his older work. The kidnappers issued a communique Monday morning to law enforcement and the media stating their intentions. It reads as follows:
Whereas Woody Allen’s films have grown more stale than the air in the doomed Russian submarine Kursk in its final hours over the last forty years, we, the fans of his older films, vow not to release him until he signs a pledge not to make any more movies for the duration of his natural life or until the expiration of my two-for-one meal coupon for Nate Zipsky’s Burger Emporium, whichever comes first. We take this extreme measure not with any sense of existential dread, but rather with a gnawing anxiety that absent our actions Mr. Allen would even now be contriving another screenplay on his Olympa SM-3 typewriter in which a magician uses a Chinese cabinet to facilitate the unseemly relationship between a neurotic older man and a nubile, innocent blond waif with an inexplicable taste for the music of Cole Porter. Duty demanded that we act to preserve the legacy of his great earlier films. Are not those who stand idly by while crimes against art are committed complicit? And if not, shouldn’t they at least be compelled to sing the Dutch National Anthem while standing naked and being pelted with anchovies by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Thus far Mr. Allen has refused to sign the pledge but he is becoming more pliable by the hour after being forced to perform isometric exercises to the music of Mitch Miller. We feel confidant that he will render his John Hancock soon and spare the film world the further tarnishing of his majestic oeuvre. For this we expect no plaudits, although we wouldn’t balk at a weekend at the Ritz-Carlton with a couple of Swedish airline stewardesses.
President Trump’s legal team will be holding a press conference that will precede a highly anticipated cockfight at a yet to be announced abandoned factory in Philadelphia on Friday. A sudden change of venue was required after the Hideaway Motor Court Motel backed out of offering its ballroom as the site of the event for unexplained reasons. Rudy Giuliani, the stalwart captain of Trump’s “Elite Strike Force Team,” insists that this time his crew will share the shocking, explosive evidence of massive voter fraud that handed Joe Biden the presidency that it failed to produce in two previous press conferences.
Those press conferences featured incoherent conspiracy theories and other attention grabbing peculiarities that the strike force will be hard-pressed to top. The first one was held in the dreary parking lot of a landscaping company on the outskirts of Philadelphia whose neighbors included a crematorium and Fantasy Island Adult Book Store. In the second one, Giuliani’s incomprehensible conspiracies were upstaged by the black hair dye oozing down the side of his face.
With the certification of Biden’s victory in the key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Georgia and the wandering attention of the public, the strike force felt it needed to up the ante and offer other inducements to generate interest in its faltering legal efforts. The added attraction of drugged up gamecocks slashing away at each other and spilling their blood in the dirt leaped out at America’s Mayor when he discovered the match was pending and he shrewdly seized the opportunity to showcase the strike team’s legal work by offering its presentation as an opening act. Giuliani also surmised that the likely availability of illegal Oxycontin to fans at the cockfight would make his conspiracy theories easier to grasp.
President Trump and his fellow Republicans have strong feelings about the massive voter fraud they believe robbed him of his rightful reelection to a second term. They feel strongly that it definitely happened and that it was really, really bad voter fraud in different states run by both Republicans and Democrats. They feel so strongly about it that they filed dozens of lawsuits in five different states based primarily on the super strong strength of those feelings. But judges from both political parties in all five states, while appreciative of the mighty and powerful strength of the Republicans’ feelings on the matter, have been asking the plaintiffs to present evidence to support those feelings.
But the evidence has been underwhelming to judges, who tend to have training in legal matters. A Trump campaign lawsuit filed in Arizona featured sworn affidavits that included the sentence “I believe my vote for Donald J. Trump and Michael Pence was not counted.” However, when asked under cross-examination in court, “Do you have any reason to believe your vote wasn’t counted?” witnesses replied “No.” Trump campaign lawyer on the case Kory Langhoffer helpfully offered that “This is not about fraud,” even though President Trump is shrieking fraud on Twitter every day and his howling Arizona minions are on the streets with “Stop the Steal” signs seemingly at odds with Langhoffer’s subdued courtroom statement.
Continuing with the no fraud theme, Trump campaign lawyer Jonathan Goldstein, when asked by Judge Richard Haaz in Pennsylvannia, “Are you claiming there is any fraud in connection with these 592 disputed ballots?” replied, “To my knowledge at present, no.”
But the Republicans made their biggest splash in the courtroom in Michigan where they unveiled 230 pages of sworn affidavits from poll watchers alleging irregularities in the city of Detroit, including a loud public address system, mean looks from poll workers, a big guy who seemed intimidating, and too many votes for the Democratic candidate in a predominantly African-American city where Biden won 94 percent of the vote. When asked if Republican poll watchers had attended a walk-through training session of ballot counting procedures in October, the plaintiffs’ lawyers said they had not.
The courtroom debacles have not daunted Republicans’ very strong feelings about voter fraud, however, and they are sure to continue pouring out their hearts in courts throughout the five states for the forseeable future.
President Trump is cowering in the White House since the election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, too emotionally fragile to acknowledge the resounding loss the voters of the country have dealt him. Apart from putting in an appearance to honor veterans Wednesday, the Commander in Chief has been hunkered down on his presidential sofa, watching TV, firing off tweets alleging widespread voter fraud without evidence, and calling allies desperately seeking some sort of deus ex machina that will somehow turn the election around.
The President has said nothing about the escalating coronavirus pandemic, that hit a new daily infection record of 145,000 cases in a single day yesterday, has surged to more than 10 million cases in the United States and taken the lives of 240,000 Americans. Vice President Mike Pence, the nominal head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has not addressed the explosion of cases and the White House has failed to make all the reports of the task force available to the public.
Meanwhile, the president continues to shriek “fraud” on Twitter with no evidence just as he did when he accused Ted Cruz of fraud in the 2016 Iowa Caucus, and when he claimed that 3-5 million illegal immigrants voted in general election of 2016, and when he claimed Barack Obama’s birth certificate was a fake. Because that’s what he does. He lies. He is a liar. Or as much of the media like to say, he “falsely claims” things. Over and over and over.
Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson declared victory over the New Haven Vaqueros with twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds remaining in the third quarter Sunday, claiming that “a very sad group of people” had taken mysterious steps to cheat his team out of what would have been a certain victory in spite of the fact that his team was losing 27-24 at the time.
When asked to identify “the very sad group of people” and exactly what steps they took to steal a win from his team, Coach Patterson instead complained about the interruption of his club’s post-victory celebration. “We were getting ready to celebrate a great victory for our team. This is a very sad moment for our team and for football fans all over the country. We were getting ready to win this game, and frankly, we did win this game, even though there was still twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds left in the third quarter.”
Deceased Trump supporter Phil Jaworski has scored another top country hit with his new song “Militia Boy.” Jaworksi, who died of the coronavirus back in March, took the country music world by storm last month with the number one hit “Buried in My MAGA Hat,” a rollicking ode to the joys of dying of COVID 19 to trigger liberals. His new song, “Militia Boy,” is a solemn salute to those brave Americans who take up arms to combat the evils of government subsidized healthcare, voting rights, and pale, skinny guys who wear black and break Starbucks’ windows.
Department of Conspiracies Deputy Director and QAnon puppeteer Nancy Hagan-Bartlett’s new puppet show The Reckoning, which she has been performing as a warm-up act at Trump rallies and live-streaming on Trump websites, has injected a much needed shot of adrenaline into the campaign. Trump campaign officials were dismayed at the flop of the dubious Hunter Biden laptop story, but are optimistic Hagen-Bartlett’s miniature morality play can help turn things around for the increasingly sweaty, hoarse and erratic commander-in-chief. Dangerous Neighbors is proud to present the unabridged script of The Reckoning, which is a sequel to her hit puppet show The Storm.
The secret and very luxurious basement of the Comet Ping Pong Pizza Parlor in Washington DC. TOM HANKS and OPRAH WINFREY are preparing for what appears to be a huge, almost Gatsbyesque party. There are tables and chairs, balloons and streamers and an enormous beverage fountain in the shape of a grinning Satan. HILLARY CLINTON enters wearing dark glasses.
HILLARY: Good afternoon.
TOM: Madame Secretary.
OPRAH: Anyone see you come in?
HILLARY: Of course not. (takes off her sunglasses) We all prepared for the party?
TOM: Yeah, we just received our monthly Wayfair delivery of corn-fed, flaxen-haired children freshly kidnapped off picturesque Heartland farms.
OPRAH: (filling a glass from the fountain) And the adrenochrome fountain has been fully replenished. (handing Hillary the glass) Enjoy.
HILLARY: Thanks, Oprah. I’m feeling a little fatigued from all the molesting Bill and I have been doing.
TOM: (filling a glass) I know the feeling.
OPRAH: (filling her own glass) I am so ready for this.
HILLARY: To the Deep State.
TOM: Here here.
OPRAH: Bottoms up.
They all drink with the desperate glee of addicts.
TOM: Wow, that’s good shit.
HILLARY: Now if we can mix business with pleasure, any word on who this damn Q is and how he has been exposing our worldwide Satanic pedophile ring so effectively?
TOM: I’ve had my people on this round the clock, but the son-of-a-bitch is too smart for us.
OPRAH: My book club people have been working some leads, but like Tom says–
HILLARY: I’m sick of your goddamned excuses! I want the bastard’s head on a pike before election day, is that clear?
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary.
TOM: Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH: But it’s not just Q that’s the problem.
HILLARY: What?
OPRAH: It’s the damn bakers.
HILLARY: Bakers?
TOM: The QAnon people who interpret the bread crumbs.
HILLARY: The bread crumbs?
OPRAH: The clues Q leaves in the Q-drops.
TOM: Like the fact that JFK, Jr. faked his own death and is working against us with President Trump.
OPRAH: And the fact that Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation was really a clever ruse and that he’s working along with JFK, Jr. to help Trump take down our pedophile ring.
HILLARY: The QAnon people figured that all out from Q’s cryptic posts?
TOM: I’m afraid we never anticipated that such an intelligent and courageous grassroots movement would mobilize against us when we were painstakingly assembling our Satanic worldwide pedophile ring.
HILLARY: Goddamnit, I pay you people to anticipate things like this! Where the hell is Soros in all this?
OPRAH: He jetted down to Central America to organize another dangerous migrant caravan to invade the United States.
HILLARY: Jesus Christ, we’ve got an international pedophile ring to protect and George is off playing Zapata down there? (to TOM) You get him on the goddamn phone and tell him to get his ass back up here pronto!
TOM (scurrying from the room) Yes, Madame Secretary!
HILLARY: (shouting after him) You tell him I want that Q prick hogtied, disemboweled and hanging from a gibbet by November 2nd, you got it?
TOM: (exiting) Yes, Ma’am!
OPRAH: Don’t worry, Madame Secretary. We’ll nail him soon.
HILLARY: (handing OPRAH her glass) Spare me your empty promises and pour me another adrenochrome.
OPRAH: (filling her glass) Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH hands her the glass.
HILLARY: Now, I didn’t get here an hour early for nothing. You’ve made a selection of the choicest, premium children for me?
HILLARY downs her drink.
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary, I think you’ll be quite pleased.
HILLARY: Let’s hope you can at least do this part of your job right.
OPRAH: (ushering her toward a back room) Right this way, Madame Secretary.
Just then the door bursts open and DONALD TRUMP, JFK, JR. ROBERT MUELLER, JESUS CHRIST and a squad of FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS storm into the room. HILLARY and OPRAH are stunned.
TRUMP: Well, well, well, Hillary…I hope we’re not interrupting your party.
HILLARY: My God, that’s JFK, Jr!
OPRAH: And Jesus Christ!
JESUS: You think I’d miss this?
TRUMP: You knew this day was coming, didn’t you, Hillary?
TOM HANKS returns from the back room.
TOM: I just spoke to George and…(noticing the posse) What the–
TRUMP: Tommy boy. Your days of molesting wholesome farm girls are through. The storm is here.
TOM: Is that Jesus?
JESUS: I’m very disappointed in you, Tom. I thought The Green Mile was bad, but this–
TOM: You can’t hurt us. We drink adrenochrome!
JESUS: Tom, I’m going to give you a moment to repent and then–
TOM (filling a glass from the adrenochrome fountain) Repent? Hollywood liberals don’t repent!
TOM downs his glass of adrenochrome.
TRUMP: Well, it’s been nice chatting with you perverts, but we have a helicopter outside waiting to take you all to Guantanamo Bay.
TOM suddenly shrieks and lunges at JESUS. JESUS punches him in the stomach like a veteran action star, grabs him by an arm and throws him to the floor. He casually picks up a chair, walks over to the adrenochrome fountain and smashes the Satan figure with one violent blow.
HILLARY: (collapsing to her knees) No, no!
OPRAH (also falling to her knees) Satan, help us!
TRUMP: (to the FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS) Get this scum out of here.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS pull the hapless trio off the floor and start hustling them toward the exit. As HILLARY passes ROBERT MUELLER, she scowls at him.
HILLARY: I thought you were on our side.
MUELLER: Shut-up.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS exit with the unholy trinity. TRUMP, JESUS, JFK, JR. and ROBERT MUELLER look around the room and mull over what has just transpired.
TRUMP: (to JESUS) I don’t know. I kind of liked The Green Mile.
