God Stepping Down as New Harassment Allegations Emerge

God, also known as Jehovah, is stepping down temporarily as Supreme Being after a third woman has come forward with accusations of sexual harassment. The Lord, who had previously dismissed two other accusers as “publicity hustlers,” acknowledged in an interview Tuesday with Christianity Tomorrow that he may have at times “fallen short of the high …

Plucky Underdogs Forfeit Championship After Coach’s Depressing Pregame Speech

The Carlton High School Prairie Dogs’ Cinderella football season came to an ignominious end Friday night when the team forfeited the championship game to the heavily favored Beaumont High Bison after Prairie Dog coach Hugh Jamison delivered a grim and disheartening pregame speech that starkly delineated the likelihood of a brutal and demoralizing annihilation at …

Fat, Middle-Aged Man’s Cerebral Videos Conquer TikTok

54 year-old Nathan Klebanov seems an unlikely TikTok star, yet his esoteric video lectures on Western Civilization have vaulted him to the apex of TikTok stardom in a few dizzying months. Last week he captured his 100 millionth follower to the astonishment of the winsome, bouncy teens and pre-teens who have dominated the platform up …

Republicans Celebrate Black History Month by Trying to Disenfranchise Black People

Republicans around the country are celebrating Black History Month by proposing a raft of new laws that would restrict voting rights in their states with a particular emphasis on curtailing the votes of African Americans. In Georgia for instance, House Bill 531 would eliminate early voting on Sundays, which have been used in the “Souls …

Arrested Rioter to Use “Mindless Trump Goon” Defense Strategy

Trump supporter Mike Jaworski, who was arrested in Chicago Tuesday for participating in the January 6th riot and storming of the U.S. Capitol that ended in the senseless deaths of five people and dozens of injured police officers, said that his defense team will employ the “mindless Trump goon” defense legal strategy. Jaworski was charged …

Candide 2020

In the suburb of Westphalia in San Bernardino County of Southern California in the mansion of the Senior Pastor of the Cathedral of the Holy Lamb’s Divine Florescence there lived a youth of wholesome disposition and unpretentious simplicity named Candide. He was the offspring of the charismatic preacher’s sister Kimberly and a former maintenance worker …

Nebulous “Divisiveness” Brings Unpleasantness to Capitol

As a prominent conservative Republican politician, I feel it is my duty to address the unpleasantness that occurred at the U.S. Capitol yesterday. It is critical for all of us to register our distress at what happened in a vague and oblique manner, taking care not to reflexively point fingers in anger at those who …