Former President Donald Trump doubled down on his claim that he had a near death experience on a helicopter ride with soul legend James Brown on Monday. Trump insisted that the Godfather of Soul had been on a helicopter ride with him in some nonspecific time and place when engine problems forced the craft to make an emergency landing. The Minister of New Super Heavy Funk chose to spend what he thought were his final moments sharing his bitterness about his broken relationship with Kamala Harris, the surging new front runner for the Democratic Party’s presidential nomination with Mr. Trump, who by all accounts is excellent listener and empathic friend.
Former President Donald Trump told a fired-up crowd of Republican Christians Friday night that if he won this year’s election, they would no longer need to exercise their right to vote in four years because “we’ll have it fixed so good, you won’t have to vote.”
Appearing at the Turning Point Action event in West Palm Beach, Florida, Trump assured the audience that upstanding Christians like themselves could blow off their cherished rights to participate in the selection of office holders of our beloved Constitutional Republic in 2028, a curious claim to make to the most passionate segment of his voting base.
“I love you Christians,” Trump told the adoring crowd. “I’m a Christian. I love you, get out, you gotta get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again, we’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to have to vote,” Trump said.
Trump neglected to explain what exactly “we’ll have it fixed so good” meant. Some wondered what this “fix” might imply for opposition voters whom he has previously disparaged as “vermin living within the confines of our country” if he was telling his own voters their votes would be unnecessary.
The media noted Trump’s statement in ho-hum articles which blandly noted that the leader of one party was stating as a fact that there might be no election whatsoever in 2028 while the leaders of the other party argued that having elections and voting were actually essential elements of a functional Constitutional Republic.
Pierre, South Dakota –Embattled South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem now claims that she shot her dog Cricket not simply for being aggressive but also because she voted illegally for Joe Biden in the 2020 Election as part of a massive Democratic Party voter fraud scheme.
While Noem’s critics say her most recent rationale for dragging her puppy to a gravel pit and shooting her is a preposterous lie to salvage her waning hopes of being Donald Trump’s Vice President in the 2024 race, Noem argued that her dog voting was no more ludicrous than the charges that millions of illegal immigrants and dead people voted in 2020.
Have you ever watched an inspiring documentary about the Founding Fathers and thought, “Hey, I’d like to be a historian, but I don’t have any background or education in history”? Well, forget those doubts because now the requirements for becoming a historian in the right wing MAGA world make getting ordained online in the Universal Life Church seem like getting a Ph.D in Astrophysics at MIT.
If you think I am exaggerating, just look at some of the prominent “historians” of MAGA world. David Barton, for instance, who champions an image of the Founding Fathers as stalwart Christian Fundamentalists, boasts a BA in religious education from Oral Roberts University. Think of all the time and money he saved by not studying and researching in a major university and not writing articles for scholarly historical journals on his way to becoming God’s historian. And staying out of the weeds of boring old primary sources has allowed David to hone his bold theories about such tragic things as how permissive abortion laws have led to climate change.
Then of course there is Dinesh D’Souza, a historian who has the rare distinction of being a convicted felon pardoned by a former president who may himself soon become a convicted felon. In D’Souza’s masterwork, he illustrated how the modern Democratic Party is exactly like the Nazi Party, except without all the genocide, repression of other political parties, Gestapo police tactics, antisemitism, anti-Communism, homophobia, outlawing of unions, hostility to immigrants and foreigners and apocalyptic World War II destruction and death.
Like his brother in Jesus, David Barton, D’Souza never studied history formally, instead earning a BA in English from the Ivy League, elitist bastion of Dartmouth College. But again, a lack of any relevant historical knowledge or background is a positive boon for MAGA historians, especially since your audience is immersed in a pitch-black crater of ignorance that makes it accept any Frankenstein historical factoids you might drop down there.
So start writing your bold new history of America today! And remember, don’t hold back. Anything can be true. Jesus wrote the Constitution. The Virgin Mary sewed the first Stars and Stripes. Democrats are Nazis. AOC started the Civil War. Get freaky (Biblically of course) and you will soon find yourself appearing on Christian talk shows as an esteemed historian!
Former House Speaker Kevin McCarthy, fresh off his historic removal from office this week, is embracing the sudden shift in his fortunes and looking to the future with a feisty optimism and an open mind about the many exciting opportunities appearing on the horizon.
“Rudy Giuliani left me a message inviting me to pop by for a drink later tonight…although he asked me to bring a couple bottles of scotch with me,” the former speaker told reporters Wednesday. “You know inflation is bad when America’s Mayor can’t afford his own scotch.”
The former speaker was also excited about the possibility of a return call from the show “Dancing With the Stars.” McCarthy left a message with the show’s producer immediately upon the completion of the vote for his removal from office. “Haven’t heard back yet but I think I’m a shoo-in. I mean, come on, they took Tom Delay and that motherfucker has no soul.”
In the meantime, McCarthy plans to work on a children’s book, take a Pilates course and devise a means of poisoning Matt Gaetz, which he figured Capitol Police would not investigate too thoroughly.
CPAC Chairman Matt Schlapp sharply criticized Congresswoman Lauren Boebert Saturday for vigorously stroking the member of her date at a performance of the musical Beetlejuice in Colorado last week.
“If you’re going to grab somebody’s schlong while being a self-professed purveyor of Christian family values, at least do it in the back seat of a limousine or some other discrete location and not somewhere where there are security cameras to record your blatant hypocrisy.”
Schlapp, who is being sued by former Herschel Walker campaign aid for grabbing the young man’s crotch while his limousine was taking him to his hotel, boasted that there is no video evidence supporting the charges against him, just an apologetic text message where he begs the aid to call him.
When a reporter pointed out that Boebert’s public pleasuring of her date at least appeared to be consensual as opposed to Schlapp’s unwanted mugging of the young man’s nether regions, the CPAC Chairman insisted that he merely was attempting to pray with him when his hands mysteriously wandered in the course of doing the Lord’s work.
Fox News thought they could cancel me, but they forgot one very important thing: How white men fight.
My name is Tucker Carlson and I’m white. If you’re a white man like me, you probably already know that white men fight in an honorable fashion, unlike the dusky hordes invading our open borders who know nothing of honor, duty, dignity and respect and are making our country dirtier and poorer every day.
That’s why they fired me. Because I am a white man who fights honorably. They called me a racist when I promoted the “Great Replacement” theory, which argues that Democrats and globalist elites are importing more obedient voters from the Third World in order to replace “legacy Americans” and galvanize their political power. They called me a racist when I claimed that white supremacy did not exist, when I said that George Floyd had killed himself on Derek Chauvin’s knee, when I called Iraqis illiterate monkeys, when I demanded to see Ketanji Brown Jackson’s LSAT scores, when my head writer Blake Neff had to resign for posting ugly racist comments online.
Obviously, as a white man who fights honorably, I cannot let those baseless attacks using my very own words to stand. I’m going to fight back honorably against THEM, who is anybody who disagrees with me and who is automatically enrolled in the globalist elite and Deep State at the very moment they do so. Fox added their name to that dark ledger when they fired me.
So now I must fight back against Fox like a white man. With honor. Like Mel Gibson in Braveheart. Not dishonorably like the immigrants making our country dirtier and poorer or the illiterate Iraqi monkeys would fight. I will fight back with the honor exclusive to white men who know that white supremacy is a hoax and that we must preserve the purity of America for “legacy Americans” who fight with honor because they are white.
Tucker Carlson wants everyone to know that he loves Donald Trump now and always has. Appearing on Bo Snerdley’s WABC radio program Monday, the Fox talk show host expressed outrage that his private text messages were made public as a result of the Dominion lawsuit against Fox and insisted that his January 4th, 2021 text that said “I hate him passionately,” referring to the former president, has been taken out of context.
“The key word there is passion,” Carlson explained. “I’m passionate about Trump like in a Sid and Nancy way. If we were a couple, we’d be fucking in fleabag hotels while shooting up with dirty needles until one of us stabbed the other. And that little bit of hate flared up in me in that text—but it was just a tiny piece of my overall passionate adoration of Donald Trump, or Big Scrumptious Boss-Daddy as I like to call him.”
Carlson also explained the circumstances that prompted the angry message. “Some idiot on the Trump campaign sent us the names of these dead voters who had voted. And we went and repeated them on air, and it turns out some of them were alive. So I just felt humiliated.”
So naturally after airing dubious allegations of voter fraud provided by an “idiot” without bothering to check their accuracy, what would be more natural than saying “I hate him passionately” when you actually meant to say “I’m very fond of him but he does tend to hire idiots.”
Carlson didn’t offer any context for other messages he sent which could be construed as negative. In another January 4th text, Carlson said “There really isn’t an upside to Trump,” and in a January 7th text the Fox host fumed “He’s a demonic force, a destroyer.”
Carlson wanted to emphasize that he was not appearing on the show to do damage control for having been exposed as someone who tells his audience one thing while clearly believing precisely the opposite or for airing completely false allegations without any sort of fact-checking or corrections. “My audience will never hear about those texts in the first place, and even if they did, they wouldn’t care. I mean, the point we were all making in those texts, over and over again, is that they want to be lied to.”
Godly Christian conservative men are very concerned about other men who don women’s clothing for public entertainment and other purposes. How concerned? They think about them a lot. A lot.
These righteous followers of Jesus Christ and supply side economics, who are very secure in their own masculinity, wake up at night worrying about their young sons, whom God has created in his own heterosexual Marlborough Man image, being indoctrinated by drag performers at the local library with an assist from the blue-haired Marxist librarian.
The men in dresses who saunter through their dreams with coy smiles have made these Godly men so uneasy that now they have to attend the local Library Board meetings that they had never attended before in their entire lives to scream “Groomers!” at people who don’t agree with them.
And it isn’t just the library they have to worry about. As Tucker and that guy from Newsmax have pointed out, the schools are riddled with pedophiles and groomers. In spite of the fact that God has imbued each and every child with a healthy, glorious heterosexuality, they are all just one gay book or one groomer teacher away from slipping into a hideous “alternative” lifestyle that would compel Jesus to consign them to eternal incineration in the inferno of Hell.
That’s why they lie awake at night, bathed in sweat, thinking intently about those men in dresses.
Newly elected House Speaker Kevin McCarthy achieved his victory on the 15th vote by agreeing to hard-liners’ demand that he always wear diapers and a shock collar controlled by members of the Freedom Caucus while on the House floor.
“The diapers will force Kev Kev to perpetually wallow in humiliation and of course the shock collar will keep him from even thinking about moving any legislation through Congress that does not have a fifteen page rider named for Hunter Biden’s junk attached to it,” Congressman Matt Gaetz said after the fifteenth and final vote.
McCarthy seemed to be comfortable with his latest concession. “Let’s face it, after I crawled back to Mar-a-Lago on my hands and knees after identifying President Trump as the cause of the January 6th assault on the Capitol, I was pretty much an emasculated manchild held in contempt by everyone in DC and the country, including President Trump, who looked at me with undisguised disgust. The diapers are just a symbol of what everybody already knows about me.”
