President Trump’s legal team will be holding a press conference that will precede a highly anticipated cockfight at a yet to be announced abandoned factory in Philadelphia on Friday. A sudden change of venue was required after the Hideaway Motor Court Motel backed out of offering its ballroom as the site of the event for unexplained reasons. Rudy Giuliani, the stalwart captain of Trump’s “Elite Strike Force Team,” insists that this time his crew will share the shocking, explosive evidence of massive voter fraud that handed Joe Biden the presidency that it failed to produce in two previous press conferences.
Those press conferences featured incoherent conspiracy theories and other attention grabbing peculiarities that the strike force will be hard-pressed to top. The first one was held in the dreary parking lot of a landscaping company on the outskirts of Philadelphia whose neighbors included a crematorium and Fantasy Island Adult Book Store. In the second one, Giuliani’s incomprehensible conspiracies were upstaged by the black hair dye oozing down the side of his face.
With the certification of Biden’s victory in the key states of Pennsylvania, Michigan and Georgia and the wandering attention of the public, the strike force felt it needed to up the ante and offer other inducements to generate interest in its faltering legal efforts. The added attraction of drugged up gamecocks slashing away at each other and spilling their blood in the dirt leaped out at America’s Mayor when he discovered the match was pending and he shrewdly seized the opportunity to showcase the strike team’s legal work by offering its presentation as an opening act. Giuliani also surmised that the likely availability of illegal Oxycontin to fans at the cockfight would make his conspiracy theories easier to grasp.
President Trump and his fellow Republicans have strong feelings about the massive voter fraud they believe robbed him of his rightful reelection to a second term. They feel strongly that it definitely happened and that it was really, really bad voter fraud in different states run by both Republicans and Democrats. They feel so strongly about it that they filed dozens of lawsuits in five different states based primarily on the super strong strength of those feelings. But judges from both political parties in all five states, while appreciative of the mighty and powerful strength of the Republicans’ feelings on the matter, have been asking the plaintiffs to present evidence to support those feelings.
But the evidence has been underwhelming to judges, who tend to have training in legal matters. A Trump campaign lawsuit filed in Arizona featured sworn affidavits that included the sentence “I believe my vote for Donald J. Trump and Michael Pence was not counted.” However, when asked under cross-examination in court, “Do you have any reason to believe your vote wasn’t counted?” witnesses replied “No.” Trump campaign lawyer on the case Kory Langhoffer helpfully offered that “This is not about fraud,” even though President Trump is shrieking fraud on Twitter every day and his howling Arizona minions are on the streets with “Stop the Steal” signs seemingly at odds with Langhoffer’s subdued courtroom statement.
Continuing with the no fraud theme, Trump campaign lawyer Jonathan Goldstein, when asked by Judge Richard Haaz in Pennsylvannia, “Are you claiming there is any fraud in connection with these 592 disputed ballots?” replied, “To my knowledge at present, no.”
But the Republicans made their biggest splash in the courtroom in Michigan where they unveiled 230 pages of sworn affidavits from poll watchers alleging irregularities in the city of Detroit, including a loud public address system, mean looks from poll workers, a big guy who seemed intimidating, and too many votes for the Democratic candidate in a predominantly African-American city where Biden won 94 percent of the vote. When asked if Republican poll watchers had attended a walk-through training session of ballot counting procedures in October, the plaintiffs’ lawyers said they had not.
The courtroom debacles have not daunted Republicans’ very strong feelings about voter fraud, however, and they are sure to continue pouring out their hearts in courts throughout the five states for the forseeable future.
President Trump is cowering in the White House since the election was called for Joe Biden on Saturday, too emotionally fragile to acknowledge the resounding loss the voters of the country have dealt him. Apart from putting in an appearance to honor veterans Wednesday, the Commander in Chief has been hunkered down on his presidential sofa, watching TV, firing off tweets alleging widespread voter fraud without evidence, and calling allies desperately seeking some sort of deus ex machina that will somehow turn the election around.
The President has said nothing about the escalating coronavirus pandemic, that hit a new daily infection record of 145,000 cases in a single day yesterday, has surged to more than 10 million cases in the United States and taken the lives of 240,000 Americans. Vice President Mike Pence, the nominal head of the Coronavirus Task Force, has not addressed the explosion of cases and the White House has failed to make all the reports of the task force available to the public.
Meanwhile, the president continues to shriek “fraud” on Twitter with no evidence just as he did when he accused Ted Cruz of fraud in the 2016 Iowa Caucus, and when he claimed that 3-5 million illegal immigrants voted in general election of 2016, and when he claimed Barack Obama’s birth certificate was a fake. Because that’s what he does. He lies. He is a liar. Or as much of the media like to say, he “falsely claims” things. Over and over and over.
Chicago Pachyderms coach Terry Patterson declared victory over the New Haven Vaqueros with twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds remaining in the third quarter Sunday, claiming that “a very sad group of people” had taken mysterious steps to cheat his team out of what would have been a certain victory in spite of the fact that his team was losing 27-24 at the time.
When asked to identify “the very sad group of people” and exactly what steps they took to steal a win from his team, Coach Patterson instead complained about the interruption of his club’s post-victory celebration. “We were getting ready to celebrate a great victory for our team. This is a very sad moment for our team and for football fans all over the country. We were getting ready to win this game, and frankly, we did win this game, even though there was still twelve minutes and thirty-two seconds left in the third quarter.”
Deceased Trump supporter Phil Jaworski has scored another top country hit with his new song “Militia Boy.” Jaworksi, who died of the coronavirus back in March, took the country music world by storm last month with the number one hit “Buried in My MAGA Hat,” a rollicking ode to the joys of dying of COVID 19 to trigger liberals. His new song, “Militia Boy,” is a solemn salute to those brave Americans who take up arms to combat the evils of government subsidized healthcare, voting rights, and pale, skinny guys who wear black and break Starbucks’ windows.
Department of Conspiracies Deputy Director and QAnon puppeteer Nancy Hagan-Bartlett’s new puppet show The Reckoning, which she has been performing as a warm-up act at Trump rallies and live-streaming on Trump websites, has injected a much needed shot of adrenaline into the campaign. Trump campaign officials were dismayed at the flop of the dubious Hunter Biden laptop story, but are optimistic Hagen-Bartlett’s miniature morality play can help turn things around for the increasingly sweaty, hoarse and erratic commander-in-chief. Dangerous Neighbors is proud to present the unabridged script of The Reckoning, which is a sequel to her hit puppet show The Storm.
The secret and very luxurious basement of the Comet Ping Pong Pizza Parlor in Washington DC. TOM HANKS and OPRAH WINFREY are preparing for what appears to be a huge, almost Gatsbyesque party. There are tables and chairs, balloons and streamers and an enormous beverage fountain in the shape of a grinning Satan. HILLARY CLINTON enters wearing dark glasses.
HILLARY: Good afternoon.
TOM: Madame Secretary.
OPRAH: Anyone see you come in?
HILLARY: Of course not. (takes off her sunglasses) We all prepared for the party?
TOM: Yeah, we just received our monthly Wayfair delivery of corn-fed, flaxen-haired children freshly kidnapped off picturesque Heartland farms.
OPRAH: (filling a glass from the fountain) And the adrenochrome fountain has been fully replenished. (handing Hillary the glass) Enjoy.
HILLARY: Thanks, Oprah. I’m feeling a little fatigued from all the molesting Bill and I have been doing.
TOM: (filling a glass) I know the feeling.
OPRAH: (filling her own glass) I am so ready for this.
HILLARY: To the Deep State.
TOM: Here here.
OPRAH: Bottoms up.
They all drink with the desperate glee of addicts.
TOM: Wow, that’s good shit.
HILLARY: Now if we can mix business with pleasure, any word on who this damn Q is and how he has been exposing our worldwide Satanic pedophile ring so effectively?
TOM: I’ve had my people on this round the clock, but the son-of-a-bitch is too smart for us.
OPRAH: My book club people have been working some leads, but like Tom says–
HILLARY: I’m sick of your goddamned excuses! I want the bastard’s head on a pike before election day, is that clear?
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary.
TOM: Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH: But it’s not just Q that’s the problem.
HILLARY: What?
OPRAH: It’s the damn bakers.
HILLARY: Bakers?
TOM: The QAnon people who interpret the bread crumbs.
HILLARY: The bread crumbs?
OPRAH: The clues Q leaves in the Q-drops.
TOM: Like the fact that JFK, Jr. faked his own death and is working against us with President Trump.
OPRAH: And the fact that Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation was really a clever ruse and that he’s working along with JFK, Jr. to help Trump take down our pedophile ring.
HILLARY: The QAnon people figured that all out from Q’s cryptic posts?
TOM: I’m afraid we never anticipated that such an intelligent and courageous grassroots movement would mobilize against us when we were painstakingly assembling our Satanic worldwide pedophile ring.
HILLARY: Goddamnit, I pay you people to anticipate things like this! Where the hell is Soros in all this?
OPRAH: He jetted down to Central America to organize another dangerous migrant caravan to invade the United States.
HILLARY: Jesus Christ, we’ve got an international pedophile ring to protect and George is off playing Zapata down there? (to TOM) You get him on the goddamn phone and tell him to get his ass back up here pronto!
TOM (scurrying from the room) Yes, Madame Secretary!
HILLARY: (shouting after him) You tell him I want that Q prick hogtied, disemboweled and hanging from a gibbet by November 2nd, you got it?
TOM: (exiting) Yes, Ma’am!
OPRAH: Don’t worry, Madame Secretary. We’ll nail him soon.
HILLARY: (handing OPRAH her glass) Spare me your empty promises and pour me another adrenochrome.
OPRAH: (filling her glass) Yes, Ma’am.
OPRAH hands her the glass.
HILLARY: Now, I didn’t get here an hour early for nothing. You’ve made a selection of the choicest, premium children for me?
HILLARY downs her drink.
OPRAH: Yes, Madame Secretary, I think you’ll be quite pleased.
HILLARY: Let’s hope you can at least do this part of your job right.
OPRAH: (ushering her toward a back room) Right this way, Madame Secretary.
Just then the door bursts open and DONALD TRUMP, JFK, JR. ROBERT MUELLER, JESUS CHRIST and a squad of FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS storm into the room. HILLARY and OPRAH are stunned.
TRUMP: Well, well, well, Hillary…I hope we’re not interrupting your party.
HILLARY: My God, that’s JFK, Jr!
OPRAH: And Jesus Christ!
JESUS: You think I’d miss this?
TRUMP: You knew this day was coming, didn’t you, Hillary?
TOM HANKS returns from the back room.
TOM: I just spoke to George and…(noticing the posse) What the–
TRUMP: Tommy boy. Your days of molesting wholesome farm girls are through. The storm is here.
TOM: Is that Jesus?
JESUS: I’m very disappointed in you, Tom. I thought The Green Mile was bad, but this–
TOM: You can’t hurt us. We drink adrenochrome!
JESUS: Tom, I’m going to give you a moment to repent and then–
TOM (filling a glass from the adrenochrome fountain) Repent? Hollywood liberals don’t repent!
TOM downs his glass of adrenochrome.
TRUMP: Well, it’s been nice chatting with you perverts, but we have a helicopter outside waiting to take you all to Guantanamo Bay.
TOM suddenly shrieks and lunges at JESUS. JESUS punches him in the stomach like a veteran action star, grabs him by an arm and throws him to the floor. He casually picks up a chair, walks over to the adrenochrome fountain and smashes the Satan figure with one violent blow.
HILLARY: (collapsing to her knees) No, no!
OPRAH (also falling to her knees) Satan, help us!
TRUMP: (to the FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS) Get this scum out of here.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS pull the hapless trio off the floor and start hustling them toward the exit. As HILLARY passes ROBERT MUELLER, she scowls at him.
HILLARY: I thought you were on our side.
MUELLER: Shut-up.
The FEDERAL POLICE AGENTS exit with the unholy trinity. TRUMP, JESUS, JFK, JR. and ROBERT MUELLER look around the room and mull over what has just transpired.
TRUMP: (to JESUS) I don’t know. I kind of liked The Green Mile.
Phil Jaworski, a fervent Trump supporter who died of the coronavirus in March has taken the Country music world by storm with his posthumously written hit “Buried in My MAGA Hat,” a musical encomium to President Trump that celebrates contracting the virus and dying of it as a means of “triggering the libs.”
Jaworksi, who made news last year when he warned during an interview at a Trump rally in September that “My AR-15 is locked and loaded if Democrats abuse the Constitution by using one of its provisions” in reference to House Democrats’ efforts to impeach the president, edged out Country star Randy Weatherby’s hit “Take Your Koran and Shove It” for Billboard’s top spot. Dangerous Neighbors is proud to present the full lyrics for “Buried in My MAGA Hat.”
Liberals and Never Trumpers have made much of the supposed irony of President Trump, who has gleefully flouted mask-wearing and social distancing guidelines, coming down with COVID-19. What they don’t seem to realize is that his diagnosis was no accident. President Trump is boldly putting into action a plan he described as “herd mentality,” a plan to allow widespread infections among our population in the hope of gradually creating immunity to the disease.
Naturally, being the headstrong, fearless leader that he is, Trump is leading from the front, not just exposing himself to the deadly disease but even his own wife, family and close associates in the Republican Party, who have embraced the moment and all but shouted, “Cough in my face!” to any unmasked patriot who comes within pussy-grabbing range.
And so far Trump’s plan, like all of his plans, has been working out splendidly. His September 26th coming out party for Amy Coney Barrett in the Rose Garden was a highly successful herd mentality kickoff for the Republican Party, with at least eight attendees subsequently coming down with the disease, including the first lady, Hope Hicks, the president’s former counselor Kellyanne Conway, Senators Mike Lee and Thomas Tillis, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie and the president of Notre Dame University.
And the really great news about herd mentality, sometimes referred to as herd immunity, is that it only requires 50-70 percent of the population to become infected, perhaps 200 million people! And probably only a couple million people would die, more than likely poor saps with no access to the type of excellent government medical care President Trump enjoys, so what are we waiting for? Bravo, Mr. President, and let the COVID orgies commence!
All right, so they found me in the fountain of the town square at four o’clock in the morning, naked save for a plastic Halloween mask and a hockey goaltender’s mitt, belligerently brandishing a bottle of Mezcal and scat singing in a previously undiscovered chromatic scale. I wasn’t the first orthodontist who had raised eyebrows in Parched Thistle Prairie by going a bit overboard in celebrating Orthodontist of the Year honors from the National Orthodontists’ Association, and I wouldn’t be the last.
In fact, just four years before my now fabled spree, another NOA honoree, Dr. Richard Nesbeth, had been arrested while sitting astride the life-size steer replica atop Chuckwagon Charlie’s Steakhouse wearing only a lobster bib emblazoned with the likeness of J. Edgar Hoover and drunkenly shouting, “Free yourselves, you poor, doomed bastards” at passing vehicles and pedestrians. Dr. Nesbeth had quietly resumed his practice after a brief hiatus, and his little indiscretion had been forgotten. Why then had I been stripped of the award I had sought my entire life and ostracized by the citizens of Parched Thistle Prairie for my single night of Dionysian revelry?
Initially, I thought that my brief but well publicized association with the Radical Anarchist Atheist’s Union for the Immediate Destruction of Patriarchal Oppression and the Nuclear Family may have created the impression that I was out of step with Parched Thistle Prairie’s ancient, stolid conservatism. But I soon realized that it was the full-frontal, full color photograph of me cavorting in the fountain splashed across the the front page of the Parched Thistle Prairie Courier that had stripped my credibility away in the eyes of the community.
True, the plastic Yertle the Turtle mask I was wearing obscured what was undoubtedly an outlandish expression, judging by the wild, red, glowing orbs behind the eye-holes, and would have afforded me a shred of plausible deniability had it not been for the tattoo of Popeye and the Virgin Mary clog-dancing on an asteroid I had gotten seventeen years earlier during a drinking binge with members of my Bible study group.
Nevertheless, the picture cast doubt on my character. Bathed in an eerie, yellow-green light from a nearby rent-a-car sign, I appear to be in the midst of an improvised pirouette while apparently performing some sort of imaginary religious rite with the Mezcal bottle, which I am holding like a staff.
Incredible as it may sound, I am as bewildered as to what my intentions were that night as the shocked citizens of Parched Thistle Prairie. I vaguely recall coming under the impression that the rent-a-car sign was God and hearing the voice of Barney Rubble command me to “purify my soul.” I have no idea what happened to my clothes or where the Yertle the Turtle mask and hockey mitt came from, although I have been having a recurring nightmare about being chased through a toy store parking lot by a man with a tremendous overbite.
I tried to resume my career far from the placid confines of Parched Thistle Prairie, but the scandal followed me everywhere. The tentacles of the National Orthodontists’ Association reach far and wide. Strangely enough though, there is a secretive religious organization that utilizes Mezcal bottles in their religious rituals in a similar fashion to my intoxicated improvisation, and after my fountain photo went viral, they contacted me to see if I might be interested in joining their exclusive brotherhood. They liked my chromatic scat singing but insisted I must wear one of their elaborate robes for the ceremonies, which they said they would provide for free if I agreed to straighten the teeth of their guru. As they say, when one door closes, the glass is half full.
Okay, so you’re Senator Lindsey Graham, and you are doing precisely the opposite of what you passionately declared was your principled position four years ago. You are seemingly hoisted on your own petard. “I want you to use my words against me. If there’s a Republican president in 2016 and a vacancy occurs in the last year of the first term, you can say Lindsey Graham said, ‘Let’s let the next president, whoever it might be, make that nomination.’ And you could use my words against me and you’d be absolutely right.”
Case closed. Egregious, in-your-face, Beltway hypocrisy, right? Wrong. Lindsey is far too clever to be held accountable for the things that he said that people might have been foolish enough to believe were honest and sincere. What many conservatives don’t realize is that rather than address one’s own dishonesty and bad faith when caught in such an ethical snag, one can simply insist that your political opponents would do the same thing that you are doing in some hypothetical reality that you make up out of thin air. You don’t even need any evidence to back up your accusation!
Never mind that the Republicans’ refusal to hold hearings for President Obama’s Supreme Court nominee Merrick Garland in 2016 was unprecedented and that no Democratic-controlled Senate had ever refused to hold hearings for a Republican president’s nominee in American history. Nor had a Democratic held Senate turned around four years later and rushed through a candidate with six weeks before an election. But that doesn’t matter, because it’s your hypothetical reality!
And don’t worry about being accused of “moral relativism,” a charge we gleefully fling at liberals as freely as Trump officials violate the Hatch Act. As conservatives we own the moral relativism charge in the same way that we own family values, patriotism and Christianity. As owners of these sacred beliefs, we can never technically be in violation of them, no matter how far we might diverge from them in actual practice. Sure, some might accuse us of hypocrisy on that count, but they would certainly do the same thing if the shoe were on the other foot!
