Ammon Bundy Vows to Soak in Bathtub of Coronavirus Spittle at Easter Service

Patriots and Constitutional scholars around the nation have begun to rise up and defy the left-wing, modern medical science that has needlessly brought the economy to a standstill and cast the long, sinister shadow of socialism over our fruited plains. Ironically, the focal point of the rebellion is in Idaho, a state that now has …

President Trump Issues Executive Order Declaring the Past Does Not Exist

President Trump issued an executive order Wednesday morning declaring that “the past does not exist, never took place and therefore cannot be referred to in public discourse or in print in any way.” Critics immediately claimed the president was attempting to erase the recent historical record of his statements on the Coronavirus, which, if they …

Glenn Beck Third Conservative to Immolate Self for the Dow

Conservative radio host Glenn Beck set himself on fire to encourage other fifty-plus Americans to do away with themselves in order to “clear the deck” for younger Americans to resume their work and jump-start an economy shut down by the Coronavirus. Mr. Beck was the third prominent conservative to immolate himself in recent weeks. Fox …

Evangelical Swingers Club to Continue Orgies with God’s Protection

Parched Thistle Prairie, Texas. An Evangelical Swingers Club, which has been criticized by local authorities for continuing its Wednesday night “Commingle for Christ” orgies in spite of the growing menace of the Coronavirus, has decided to carry on with the weekly event. Leaders of the group, which calls itself “The Swollen Vessel,” insist that “we …

Trump Supporter Dies of Coronavirus Hoax

Passionate Donald Trump supporter Phil Jaworski died of the Coronavirus Monday night at Presence Saint Joseph Hospital in Chicago, insisting to his final breath that he was in fact dying from the flu despite testing positive for COVID-19 last week. Jaworksi made news last year when he warned during an interview at a Trump rally …

Is Country Music Too Intellectual?

Some music critics are growing unsettled by the recent trend in Country Music toward more cerebral themes and elaborate concept albums they fear is tearing the genre from its humble roots. Carter McFarland, editor of Country Music Today, worries that some artists are drifting too far from the fundamentals. “We’ve got some folks out there …

“Caucasian Campesinos” Cheerfully Embrace Grueling Farm Labor

In a bid to support their president’s tough immigration policies, hundreds of thousands of white Trump supporters around the country are taking backbreaking, low-paying agricultural jobs usually done by immigrants. The surprise movement, which emerged suddenly out of nowhere, has been dubbed the “Caucasian Campesinos” by the media. One of these hardy Trump supporters, Stephanie …

Republicans Not Fooled by Deep State Coronavirus

As the rest of the world urgently prepares for a potential pandemic that has already apparently claimed the lives of 2,700 people and sickened as many as 80,000 worldwide, President Trump and his Republican supporters are not being taken in. Radio host and Medal of Freedom recipient Rush Limbaugh sought to bring clarity to the …

Sanders Announces Plan to Guillotine Chris Matthews in Lafayette Square

Austin, Texas. Senator Bernie Sanders, fresh off his resounding victory in the Nevada Caucuses, announced before an ebullient crowd here on Sunday that he would immediately guillotine MSNBC political analyst Chris Matthews upon assuming office. “On day one of my administration, Chris Matthews will be flown to Washington DC in chains, and publicly guillotined in …

Conspiracy Czar Attacks Barr for Usurping His Role

Washington, D.C. The Director of the Department of Conspiracies, Richard Trumball, publicly criticized Attorney General William Barr Friday for encroaching on his jurisdiction after Barr acknowledged that the Department of Justice had “created a process that Rudy Giuliani could give information and they would see if it’s verified.” Trumball, the bedraggled former street preacher tapped …